Children's book parody provides custom guidance for Yurachek in coaching search

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — When it comes to Arkansas athletics director Hunter Yurachek setting off on the journey to find a new coach for Razorbacks football, he's entering a pretty dramatic period of time full of change both for him and the program.

There's a lot of pressure to succeed immediately and so many unforeseen obstacles can arise. Perhaps the closest life event average fans can associate it with is what it felt like to graduate high school with the entire world in front of them and endless choices.

Make the right ones and the possibilities of happiness are endless. Make the wrong one and life comes to an abrupt, dramatic standstill of consequences.

To help people navigate this journey, it's often customary to give newly minted adults a book from their childhood that they probably didn't understand or appreciate then, but that will make a lot of sense under the current circumstances. That book, as many know, is Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

Well, with what Yurachek is facing, a custom parody retelling of the story has been created to provide him wisdom and guidance on his journey. Perhaps others will find life lessons in its words as well.

So, for the Arkansas AD as he ventures out on his important journey, here is his own copy of "Oh, the Coaches You'll Know!"

Oh, the Coaches You'll Know!

Congratulations!
This is your month.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off on the hunt!

Use the brains in your head.
Fill the dollars in your bank.
Point your plane freely,
and increase financial rank.
You're on your own. The hire is all on you.
Although you need their money, it's you who will choose.

You'll look at Power Fours. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "There's just not much there."
With your head full of brains and your bank full of cash,
you'll smartly avoid a failed coaching rehash.

And you may not find any
within your price range.
Although they will use you,
for more years and more change.

That's Sexton's game,
so open, so plain.

So you check Group of Five.
It's expensive too,
with names like Jon Sumrall
and Golesh there too.

Is Auburn around the corner?
What about LSU?
Their banks are so big.
It might frighten you.

But, oh, the coaches you'll know!

Some'll be on their way up!
They're achieving great heights!
You'll covet high fliers
with big offensive nights.

You'll be in the game, because you'll have more cash.
There's more booster help, though the Hogs' record is trash.
It's not all hope, cross off the best of the best.
But you'll happily beat other teams to the rest of the rest.

Except when they do.
Because, so cursed, are you.

It's sad to say so,
but, lately, it's true.
Boosters may undercut
and underspend
and sabotage you.

But only in football
have they been so oddly cheap.
Then get mad at average
from the bargain heap.

But they swear it's different
on this coaching search.
They promise more money,
not to leave you in a lurch.

With a knife in your back,
and a check in your hand,
you look toward Texas
in hopes there's a man.

You'll come to a place where the school is not known,
except for that highlight where Chad Morris got owned.
A place from a movie about the worst team shown!
But can you hire a Morris? Even tough he's not kin?
The quarterback king, not Hogs fans' Satan?

And IF you go in, should you bid really high?
Or mid-and-three-quarters? Or, go cheap at five?
He brought the world Mahommes, Mateer and Cam Ward.
A Leach disciple, just without the sword.
No dinosaur talk to make boosters pull the cord.

He wins where he shouldn't.
Perhaps put him in your cart.
Though his quarterback in high school, never earned a start,
Morris saw in him a winner, kid with endless heart,
who's breaking records and narratives with each thrown dart.

But if you miss out,
that's just how life is.
You'll find other coaches
deep in the heart of Texas.

Oh, the coaches you'll know! There is winning to be done!
There's points to be scored. There are games to be won.
There are magical things the Hogs can do with that ball
to make them the winning-est winners of all.
Feared! They'll be feared as feared can be.
The latest Indiana. Your own Curt Cignetti.

But will the fans want?
With the latest record, maybe they don't.

Traylor in before times
won the spotlight's glow.
He went 11-1
and beat Illinois on the road.

Then NIL!
Like Hogs, his coffers were dry,
Yet, against Sumrall
and Tulane he tried.

Despite much less cash, his team had a chance,
then they knocked the Green Wave right out of the dance.
Coach was mad, so he let it out before the press,
kept running your mouth so Traylor handled your mess.

With bravado back,
can the season be turned?
Can the ex-Hog
win enough to earn?
The climb is high
to the record he yearns.
If he can win,
more up side than down,
though he was here in 2019,
he could wear the Hogs' crown.

On and on you will fly.
and I know you'll fly far
and you'll try to shoot your shot
well above your bar.

You may surprise with Fleck,
end this thing on a high.
A lost booster back,
his quarterback son on your side.
That would be a big win.
The end to a great act.
But remember your choice
keeps your career intact.
Get this one wrong, no matter what your excuse,
with vultures circling around, the job you will lose.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You can, indeed!
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