Tony Beblowski/KillerFrogs
TCU Football: Twitterette Syndrome
In this story:
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
I was at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107 (please, no direct correspondence; all mail will be summarily returned) when I received a phone call from The Barry Lewis.
"What?" asked I, politely.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm afraid you have the wrong number."
"Is this SI?"
I hit my forehead with the butt of the phone. Sighed. Said, "Yeah."
"Then I don't have the wrong number."
"What do you want?"
"What are you doing?"
"Reading fan mail."
"Why would you do that?"
"It's generally considered polite for authors to respond to those who support them. This gentleman, for instance. Gary J. Gray. He's a fan of my dear opponent letter to whoever it was. He suggests I keep my day job. Isn't that nice? How could he have known this is my day job now? Who told him? Was it you? The Daniel? Or The Thanet? It was The Thanet wasn't it."
"I have an assignment for you."
"Though, much as I like this guy, his parents didn't take too much time naming him, did they? He could be a character in a Nabokov novel. Humbert Humbert. Gaston Godin. Albert Albinus. Gary J. Gray . . ."
"I need you to tweet for us."
"No."
"Why not?"
"You don't remember baseball season? When I live tweeted?"
"Some people really liked it."
"Yes, that's true, Barry. At my expense. And a lot of people didn't. Also at my expense. Including the person who did the tweeting."
"I would like it if you would live tweet for us."
"Won't do it boss."
"What about Fearless Leader? Would you do it for her?"
"For her? Anything. But tweeting."
"For Fearless Leader."
Sigh.
"This is blackmail."
"How about a bribe."
"How much?"
"Ten bucks?"
"When and where do you need me?"
"Be at the Carter at game time."
"When's game time?"
"You just wrote a How to Watch piece? You write the articles. I'm assuming you actually read them."
"Why the hell would you assume that? It's hard enough writing them, let alone reading them. I'll be there. Goodbye."
Click.
I arrived and parked safely at Berry Street at 6:00 pm. The following is a Twitterite's General Timeline:
6:30. At the Carter. Step aside, Proclaimers, you underachievers. I walked 600 miles
6:31. All these thousands of people surrounding me. Move! Don't you know I write for KillerFrogs?! That there is a great genius in your midst?! Thank you. Now tell me: who we playing?
6:45. It's a nice sunny day here at the Carter, waiting for the Frogs to play. About 800 degrees, humidity around 90 percent. Not a cloud in the sky. And there are a few thousand folks here. And the sun is reflecting off the metallic bleachers. And I left my sunglasses. And . . ."
6:49. Well, this is boring . . .
6:50. I'll admit I've never understood the point of a marching band. Even when I was in one. Now, cheerleading on the other hand . . .
7:00. Punt off!
7:02. Wait. Who do I root for? Are we in white?
7:05. Still waiting for that $6,000,000 check for stealing our colors.
7:06. I forget. Football is just like church. Sit, stand, pray, kneel. Repeat.
7:10. Looks like Tartlyton (sp?) is gaining on us.
7:11. Welp, I was wrong about 63-0 :(
Here the author began to have technical difficulties. The following times are much more general, and profanity has been expunged.
(Around) 7:30. F****!
(Around) 7:30. D###. That Tartylton offense is something else.
(Around) 7:40. F***!
(Around) 7:40. F****!
(Around) 7:40. End of the Quarter One.
Quarter Two
Okay, guys, here we are, making our comeback! Just like old times!
F****!
Double f****!
Quarter Three
We're only down by 31 points. But at least it's something!
F####### mother######## plagiarizing pieces of monkey ####
Can't watch anymore. We're down 45-14. So much for this season. See you all next year.
An hour later
"What are you doing?" the Barry Lewis asked.
"Getting as sloshed as my liver will let me live."
"Why?"
"Why? Did you see that atrocity?"
I took a shot.
"Just tell me," I said, in the midst of another, "how was the tweeting?"
"If we let you tweet on our page, KillerFrogs would never be allowed to tweet another football game ever again."
"Then why'd you do that to me, Barry!"
"Thought it would make for a good laugh. I expect an article, tweets included, without the swear words, by Monday. And I must say, you're an artist when it comes to that. Particularly liked the monkey bit."
"Thanks. I stole it from Adam Sandler."
"Only one thing."
"What now!"
"Cheer up, buttercup. We won. 59-17. Tarleton was in white."
"F###!"
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