Dear Opponent: BYU
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Mormons,
This letter will be a two-parter. Usually, I address our opponents with an eye to good, light-hearted humor. However, seeing as you have conducted yourselves as champions prior to our meeting, I feel a sincere expression of appreciation is due. You can boast the most creative, most humane approach to tailgating I know of. As I understand, rather than organizing parties of burgers and beer, you engage in efforts of philanthropy. These have included $2500 worth of donated diapers to Pasco County, FL, 40,000 pounds of food at Arkansas, and 1800 books at Kansas (Lord knows they need em). So, kudos to you. You boast a classy program, and on behalf of every team in the Big 12, I thank you.
And now for the jokes.
Welcome to the Big 12. You will enjoy several first-rate stadiums to compete in. Your games will be broadcast on ESPN. You will develop rivalries and tentative friendships with several of our teams--for the record, I think I like you. You will also, no matter how well you play, routinely take a second seat to the SEC and Big 10. Alas. It's life, and it's never perfect. But one thing's for sure, I'd much rather have you around than the Horns and the Sooners.
There is, however, the matter of your name. Houston is also in the Big 12, and also goes by the Cougars. And while the Horned Frog as a mascot may not inspire the deepest dread in our opponents, at least it's original. So, just for clarity, there will be a Cougar #1 and a Cougar #2. Take your pick--a prospect which, granting how little I know of your religion, you may delight in.
Alternatively, if you want to inspire dread in your opponents, you can always simply call yourselves The Mormons. While your humanitarian efforts mentioned above are appreciated, your habit of going door to door peddling the Book of Mormon are . . . not so much. Perhaps I am alone when I say that the moment I hear a knock at the door, look through the spyhole, and see a very upright, uptight gentleman with a black tie, bearing a black book, I go running for the bathroom, or the back door, whichever is nearer, but I doubt it.
Let me assure you, if you show up at any athletic contest wearing your traditional garb, you won't require pads or helmet. Come as you are. The other team will gladly forfeit the field. And by that strategy you may declare yourselves Big 12 Champions, with a season record of 11-1. Not bad for a first appearance in a new conference.
And relative to how TCU has been playing lately, I'm inclined to urge you to do so.
Anyway, welcome to the Big 12, and thank you,
SI
P.S., I've come to understand that several players on your team are almost 30. Please don't forget to bring along walkers, canes, and medical necessities they may require.
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