Dear Opponent: Houston
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Cougars,
Addressing you, there definitely droops some low-hanging fruit in your name, which I will not mention here, lest I be accused of speaking like a Cougar.
Neither of us has started strong this season. Coach Prim definitely proved his buffaloes are far from endangered, much less extinct, by the stampede he engineered in our Fort, followed shortly by another in Nebraska. We redeemed ourselves a bit on our home turf the next week, fighting off the Nicholls State Colonels 41-6. Meanwhile, in the first week of play, you edged out UTSA 17-14 (a quick Google search has confirmed that UTSA is not a mistyped acronym referring to the United States of America, but, instead, to the University Of Texas At San Antonio). You were then boiled, in a nail-gnawer, by the Rice Owls, 43-41 in double overtime.
Thus are we meeting on Saturday, each with one victory and one defeat.
It would be easy for us to be overconfident. But I assure you, this will not be the case. Though our win against Nicholls State was comfortable, we hardly displayed our best game, so you needn't worry we will be taking your team for granted. I assure you, we won't.
Our boys are going to be heading there with everything to prove. We left our game against the Buffaloes (our first venture on the field since that unholy humiliation that was the National Championship) thoroughly demoralized, and it was evident, to this Sports Ignoramus, at any rate, during the game against Nicholls State, we had yet to recover. We're ready to show ourselves, and the country at large, of what exactly we are capable, and to prove what should be granted: we boast one of the best teams in the nation.
On the other hand, you no doubt have as much to prove, after such a narrow loss to your rival. And you may have noticed the current lethargy, the miasma that has befallen our glorious Underfrogs of late.
But let this be a warning to you: never underestimate the heart of a Horned Frog. We're not beaten. We're simply sleeping. And, as Horace reminds us, "Even Homer nods."
On Saturday, at 7 pm, we will awaken.
Best wishes to you.
Sincerely,
SI
P.S., I have, during my occasional visits to Houston, met a Cougar or two, but didn't take to them. They tended to be vulgar, dressed in poor taste, and wore their perfume so thick they grew about their silver heads cloudy lavender haloes.
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