Dear Opponent: Michigan

This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board

With love,

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

Dear Gluttons,

Aptly named, I reckon. I'm not going to lie to you, before this game, I didn't know exactly what a "wolverine" was; nor, I have learned, can I say with any certainty whether Michigan is an island or, in fact, a peninsula, fighting its "penisolate war," as James Joyce, that great punster, once said.

But upon the request for this piece, I found with a little research that the "wolverine," aside from a jacked Hugh Jackman, is also called "a glutton," of the weasel's Heenan family. May I ask you: was "badger" unavailable?

So gluttons you are. Gluttons for punishment. And, as a glutton refers to someone who eats too much, I'd like to suggest, based on the arrogance of both your quarterback and fanbase, there is a particular delicacy, of the fecal variety, you may feel free to eat to your heart's content, scavengers you are, cozenage your art.

For it may be the case that I have met more arrogant folks in my life, but not in recent memory--save maybe one inebriate at a local bar who thought it wise to imbibe six scotches and a few Guinnesses within an hour.

Now, some respect where it is due. You really love your team, understandably. You think you're the best team in the country, and not without reason. And I've no doubt that very team has been spending these last few weeks surreptitiously studying Georgia's offensive and defensive game on tape for a National Championship that is, to your minds, a foregone conclusion.

But not so fast. We mighty UnderFrogs, we've been here before. In 2010, we were told the Wisconsin Badgers (hmm . . . let me think on that one) were bigger and faster and stronger and they would wipe us from rose to rose of that particular bowl till all we were good for was pushing up daisies.

We won.

Then came 2014. The Peach Bowl. Our own Nathan Hernandez recalls the anger of the team when various fans of the SEC, local to Georgia, mockingly wished us good luck. We did not need it. We beat Ole Miss 42-3.

Then came 2016. The Alamo Bowl. Oregon had us down 31-0 at the half. By a feat of heart and skill unlike anything I've ever seen till this year, Bram Kolhausen led us to victory, with a 47-41 final.

Then there was this year. Following a 5-7 season, we've gone undefeated. Look at our games against Oklahoma State, Kansas State, Baylor--yes, that miraculous field goal in the last seconds of the game.

I submit that there has been no team in the history of any sport who so consistently, in such short time, upset expectations so thoroughly, either from returning from seemingly impossible deficits, or defeating the exact team they were never supposed to beat. That is what our boys do. They perform miracles.

As Riff Ram, a blessed spokesperson for TCU, put it on Twitter: "Never underestimate the heart of a Horned Frog."

And that is why we will beat you.

You do not respect us. You have no appreciation for the fact that we went undefeated with a first-year coach. You do not know this team's history, nor its culture. Were you so informed, you would be taking this game much more seriously.

We navigated an undefeated season without a break (BYE, excluded, as they refused to man the field on our third week). Six of our games were on the road. We won all of them. And lest you think we lost to Kansas State at the Big 12 Championship, I recommend you watch that game start to finish and tell me it was actually our loss and not a total screw job by those pinstriped pinheads we euphemistically term "referees."

Now we will be, for the first time since the beginning of the season, rested. And we're pissed about the Big 12 Championship. And we've got everything, the world, to prove.

And we respect you. We will not underestimate you. We can't afford the luxury of losing.

Never underestimate the heart of a Horned Frog. Let that be a phrase echoing in the inner-ears of all who follow college football. No truer thing has ever been spoken.

I assure you, whatever happens, after Saturday, no one in Michigan will underestimate the heart of a Horned Frog ever again.

I look forward to seeing you on the field and feeding you your words.

Best regards,

P.S., Though The BFG advised I not garner him attention, I could not help myself. It would seem that David Portnoy is a Michigan fan. I don't know if your team and fanbase are literarily inclined, but at your local library there no doubt sits on a shelf an interesting and rather droll novel by Philip Roth called "Portnoy's Complaint." I think you will find it a propos to that gentleman and the overall thrust of this missive.

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