Dear Opponent: Texas
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
Dear Longueurs,
It is, as I write this, 1:00 am, I've not had a day off in 32 days, I'm tired, and the last thing I want to do is address anything that currently comes out of Austin.
Oct 8, 2022; Dallas, Texas, USA; Texas Longhorns mascot BEVO during the game against the Oklahoma Sooners at the Cotton Bowl. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
Having said all that, my friend, Monet, is a diehard Longueur fan for life--why I don't know why. Perhaps she went there? Fortunately, Longueur or not, she is no fan of orange, or at least I've never seen her sport it, and were she to do so I'd vomit all over it and she wouldn't be the worse for wear.
But Monet, being a friend of mine (and seeing as one can't account for his friends' taste, or lack thereof) I've less interest than usual in insulting the bovine bloviators that chew cud and spew crud down South. Truth is, I like the dear lady, more than a little bit, and I'd like just as much that she derive some pleasure from what I write.
So I'll just say, come on up. Maybe, just maybe, your presence will provide the spark, the divine spark, our boys need to step up to the line of scrimmage and play like they have more interest than stumbling around the cleat marks of the other team, collecting uprooted soil from the tips of the 10,293,092 (my last count since the week we played BYE) grass blades that compose the Amon Carter. But I doubt it. More likely, your football team (8-1, No. 1 in-conference) is going to come up here and spank us worse than Robert De Niro did Leonardo DiCaprio last weekend. And that's not a sight I'm inclined to enjoy. In the event that does happen, and you lead us by more than 20 at any point in the game, all I ask is that you please make it quick. I've got sleep to catch up on.
And I'm betting I'd prefer to be sleeping come Saturday than seeing those crowds of orange and that giant heifer lowing to the skies.
See you Saturday.
Best,
SI
P.S., When, exactly, are you leaving the Big 12? That day can't come soon enough.
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