Dear Opponent: West Virginia
This work of epistolary comedy is dedicated to the KillerFrog Fan Forum Literary Review Board.
With love,
T.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
--(Rowdy) Roddy Piper (slightly amended)
he West Virginia Mountaineers mascot leads the Mantrip as players arrive before a game.
Dear Arsonists,
I come in peace. In truth, I like you. Never met an alum from West-by-God-Virginia I didn't. And to damn you with faint praise, I believe you pose the first real challenge to our team since Coach Prim's Buffaloes. Can't wait to have you as guests in the Carter. Just please, for your own safety, if not ours, know that the bleachers are not couches. They're not flammable. If you feel, during the course of the competition, a terrible compulsion to indulge your pyromania, may I recommend SMU right down I-30 to the east, or Baylor, down I-35 to the south? I suppose your choice must be determined by the effect you seek. A fire in the heart of the Mustangs would be a shock to their nervous system from which they might not ever recover. Start a fire in Waco, on the other hand, and you'll be right at home.
That you are an Ivy League school of the highest academic accomplishment goes without saying. It is a truth widely known throughout the Big 12 that yours is a school populated by Rhodes scholars, who can make their bed (or couch, as the case may be) comfortably either in the city or the country, the range or the exchange. Thus, your student-athletes are of such a high intellectual and physical caliber that in their off time, when not setting fire to their local furniture store, they have a tendency to win football games.
And this season, they've won a few. Last Saturday, Raider Red was aptly named, bolting out of Morgantown like Yosemite Sam with his pants on fire. The Pittsburgh Panthers were a shade blacker for their boils. You burned the Duquesne Dukes in effigy. The Penn State Nittany Lions . . . well, that may have been more a self-immolation.
Thus, we meet on Saturday with identical records: three victories, one defeat. We'll be similarly matched.
Here's the thing. A fire on Saturday will be superfluous. At 7 pm, even this late in September, it's going to be 90+, and let me tell you: that sucks. You might want to invest in battery-powered fans or portable humidifiers rather than lighters and gasoline.
Either way, expect to have a fine time in the Fort. Just don't expect to set fire to it. It's already on fire, and our boys are dancing in the flames.
See you on Saturday.
Best,
SI
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