Screwed Tape Letters: Kirk Who?

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.

Dear Herbstreit,

It would seem that you are no fan of TCU. Either that, or you are very bad at your job. Prior to our playing Oklahoma State, I had never heard of you. Then, before the game, one of my colleagues, the David Tucker, mentioned matter-of-factly that "Herbstreit screwed us." Needless to say, I was curious as to who would want to commit such a wanton offense and, hopefully, that simple comment clarifies the urgent need for this letter.

Now, I don't know how you effected such an act; either way, it would seem the attempt was unsuccessful, as we beat OSU, fair and square. Something tells me the fact does not sit well with you.

Cut ahead to today and a friend of mine, on that infernal site Twitter, had this to say: "JFC Kirk what the hell did TCU ever do to you?" Shortly thereafter, the Nathan Cross said "I cannot stand Kirk Herbstreit." Tucker again: "Herbstreit sucks!!!! . . . But usually when he picks against us we win . . ." To which the Barry Lewis agreed: "He's been picking against us most of this month. Look how we did. Maybe we need him to pick against us." And, as if that were not all, the Tori Couch: "Herbstreit is so clouded by Ohio State glasses and 'little sisters of the poor' garbage. His advocating for Cincinanti last year really ticked me off." To all of which, I could only reply: "Who in the hell is Kirk Herbstreit?! And what does a convent have to do with it?"

My friends being not so inclined to indulge my ignorance, I was left to my own resources. According to Google, you are a sports analyst, evidently. That makes you my direct opposite. You analyze sports; I despise them. You see, I am a sports ignoramus--I know nothing about sports and pride myself on the fact. But it would seem we are opposites in another way: for all your supposed analytical skills, you are nevertheless always wrong while I am equally always right, having correctly predicted the outcome of every TCU game this season--against Colorado, against Tarleton State, against BYE, against SMU, against OU, against Kansas, and against OSU.

So there.

And now, you seem to be with the impression we will lose to Kansas State, a team that, it must be admitted, has lost once, to some school I've never heard of named Tool Lane. On the other hand, a cursory glance at some of their scores, versus ours, should disabuse you of your Frog-skepticism. They defeated OU by a mere 7 points. TCU wiped the floor with that same school, 55-24. Meanwhile, according to KillerFrogs' Big 12 Power Rankings (which makes zero sense because there are only 10 teams and though it may be true I'm a sports ignoramus, it is also true I can count to 12), the worst team in the Big 12 currently is Iowa State. How did Kansas State fare against the absolute worst team in the conference (at least, as determined thus far)? 10-9. They won by a field goal (though whether the three-pointer or one-pointer is unclear to me, and I've never seen the point in there being a difference in the first place). Further, TCU beat Kansas, ranked No. 5, 38-31. We beat No. 2 OSU (43-40). And, obviously, everyone else we played.

Now it would appear that your analysis, if sound, would be counterfactual. Because the scores and relevant teams, as I have recorded here, make the trajectory pretty clear: TCU has the upper hand. And even I, who admittedly know nothing, can see that.

Having said all that, the comments of Lewis and Tucker are well taken. Please, by all means, continue to choose against us. You may well guarantee us an undefeated season.

Sincerely,

P.S., despite our being opposites, you and I have one thing in common: you are despised by all of Frogdom, while I am despised by the entirety of the KillerFrogs Fan Forum Literary Review Board. Granting that, the people who hate you have justification; you get paid to know what you are talking about and don't. However, I do not get paid not to know anything. Further, it is by no means clear the majority of my haters are capable of reading the words I write, and judging by the quality of their critical prose, almost certainly can't; these are, after all, the kind of people who think quoting Ted Knight from a forty year old film qualifies as funniness. Much as you think your determinations qualify as analysis.

P.P.S., we just won. I, Sports Ignoramus, am now 7-0 on TCU game predictions. Where you at, boss?

Want to join the discussion? Click here to become a member of the Killer Frogs message board community today!

Follow KillerFrogs on Twitter to stay up to date on all the latest TCU news! Follow KillerFrogs on Facebook and Instagram as well. Download the KillerFrogs app on Google Play or in the Apple App Store.