The Rules Reconsidered: Targeting The Target
In this story:
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
I was jobbing at Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery 76107 (please, no direct correspondence; all mail will be summarily returned), sipping spirits and Guinness in honor of the dear departed Barry Lewis. In the event you may erroneously think I was on the profitable end of the bar, be assuaged: drinking requires just as much hard work as pouring, as any man or woman with experience of both can tell you.
And I was on Twitter. Which sucks because as we all know Twitter sucks and looking at Twitter when you're in the cups sucks worse than that. Website and booze become a suction cup sapping the brain, precious neuron by precious neuron, and as for what it does to the heart I dare not even conceive.
So I was not exactly in a generous mood upon seeing the title of a shared article "The Three Worst Calls From College Football Week 5."
"What the hell is this?" I asked.
Similarly, around the same time, I received a text from the Barry Lewis, though it could not be he, as he was now deceased, as I made clear in my article on Max Morris.
"They think he did it on purpose," Lewis the imposter announced.
"Who thinks who did what on purpose?" I typed.
"It was a good call," Fearless Leader responded, and the KillerFrogs community text thread was in full motion.
"A good call by the pinstriped pinheads? Impossible!"
"But not deliberate or malicious," she continued. "What's in motion stays in motion and he was already in motion . . ."
"Great physics lesson,” I typed.
". . . to tackle him at the waist . . . until Gabriel changed directions to slide. And the poor kid was obviously shaken by it."
"And how about what they did to our receiver?" The David Tucker added. "How was that not targeting?"
"What's targeting? Who targeted whom?"
Someone in the text thread targeted (or tagged--who knows with terminology such as they are these days) me with an article, video included, of a play in which one of our guys, something Hodgepodge, almost took their guy's head clean off.
"Oh man," I said. "That's going to be the worst of all possible hangovers!"
Then Lewis the Imposter sent me second video, in which one of their guys almost broke our guy's--something Spivey--spine. And it was this play that was among those considered as the three worst in college football from Week Five.
"Oh man! Excuse me for asking, but why are their rules at all in a game like this? It seems like applying an etiquette book to a war zone."
"So we agree that the first hit was a clear example of targeting on our part," Lewis the Imposter continued. "I don't think anyone could say that it was intentional, as Hodge's momentum was such he dove almost exactly when Gabriel started to slide and when sliding Hodge's helmet hit his. Now, I don't think it was necessarily intentional either when Morrison hit Spivey. But if we're going to consider the former an example of targeting, we should also consider the latter. You don't get a free shot at a wide receiver."
"Okay you, answer me this," I wrote, "what's targeting, and why are you using the name of my dear deceased friend?"
"Targeting is when you illegally hit another player with your helmet. It's supposed to make football a safer sport."
"Seems like arming deer hunters with BB guns, if you're asking me," I replied. "Makes the sport safer for both Dick Cheney and his friend, not to mention the otherwise happy deer. But it does seem to spoil the whole point of the sport."
There was a pause.
"Now, why are you pretending to be Barry Lewis?"
"Because I am Barry Lewis."
"Barry Lewis had a heart attack a week ago."
"No. He didn't. I'm Barry Lewis."
"Impossible. Who had the heart attack then?"
"I was out of town for some marketing business involving Queen Elizabeth II and I knew I wouldn't be able to do that and teach you the fundamentals of a sport I've been trying to help you with for ten months."
"Who did I talk to then?"
"You familiar with a fellow named Tyler Brown?"
"Never heard of him."
"He agreed to cover as me for a week so as to field your insane ideas. He's a good friend of Ryann's and mine. Was. Until you killed him. Your stupid, moronic drivel."
"Barry, I'm an admitted ignoramus. One usually follows from the other."
"And what moronic drivel would you like to add to this discussion?"
"The Purple Rule, I think, applies."
"What's the Purple Rule again?"
"If their team does it, it's a penalty; if ours does, it isn't."
Silence on the other end.
"And that's the bottom line."
"Cheers to that!" texted the Derek Lytle, who informed us all he was now jobbing at the taco shop. Poor bastard.
Want to join the discussion? Click here to become a member of the Killer Frogs message board community today!
Follow KillerFrogs on Twitter to stay up to date on all the latest TCU news! Follow KillerFrogs on Facebook and Instagram as well. Download the KillerFrogs app on Google Play or in the Apple App Store.