The Screwed Tape Letters: This Is The Carter
In this story:
For Geoffrey
Dear Dr. Donati,
(I assume Dr. to be the proper honorific; when addressing any member of higher education, if in doubt as to a Mr. or Dr., my philosophy is always to round up)
Dear Dr. Donati,
(I would like to mention incidentally that Jeremiah, your doubtless namesake, is my personal favorite of the prophets--anyone who can earn the the sobriquet Weeping Prophet, among such illustrious company, is my kind of guy)
Doc,
I am writing this letter on behalf of a lawyer, a female lawyer, and an Italian female lawyer at that, so in the event you value your health, I recommend you heed her advice. To get to the point directly: the Carter needs a new theme song. And my lady lawyer friend knows exactly the tune to spice up the soundtrack of our imminent ascendance to the top of the Big 12 (which is really ten, but who's keeping count?)
Please allow me to state at the outset I am hopelessly ignorant in all matters relating to the rap and hip hop genres, and can hardly tell the difference between the two, though I am told there is a distinction of some kind. Rap music (and we will label everything in which people talk in time to beats rap) is about as appealing to me as a root canal proffered by a Baylor-educated dentist in Waco. I know less about rap music than I do sports or diesel engines. Were I to grade my own knowledge, I would not score so much as a zero. I'd be in negative numbers. I have argued that Johnny Cash is a rap artist, for example.
But this is the 21st century, despite my protests, and 2022 at that, for which I protest more, and whether we like it or not, and I don't, rap is the music of our time--I'm more of a Motown kind of guy my own self.
The lady lawyer has alerted me to the fact that one of our anthems is entitled "We Dem Boyz," and objections to spelling aside, I think we might reconsider any song in our repertoire shared by the Dallas Cowboys. For one, they're from Dallas. For two, and more pressingly, I don't know if you've seen a Cowboys game in the last . . . oh . . . twenty years, but one doesn't have to be too superstitious to conclude it might not be in our interest to share a song with a team that consistently plays like that.
Hence, this missive, and recommendation for a new ditty, a bright ditty, with lyrics that cut right to the heart of what it means to be a Horned Frog, and beats that will keep the crowd on their feet in the ninety degree heat as summer bakes away into autumn.
The song in question? "This Is The Carter" by some fellow named Diminutive Wayne--I think that's his name. He's a little guy named Wayne, anyhow. Who's evidently really rich and way smarter than . . . someone. Anyway, the lyrics, as I read them now, unimpeded by the music that out of a kind of masochism I am currently championing to be assaulting my ears for the next three months, could not possibly be more on point.
At the tune's outset, Dimunitive Wayne establishes his ethos, which we in Frogdom share, by stating that he is truly perfect. Who could object?
Then there's some nonsense.
Then the chorus: "Ladies and gentlemen"--and TCU's student body and alumni comprise the ladiest of ladies and gentlest of gentlemen, do we not--"pimps and players"--ditto--"This is the Carter . . ."
Boom, as they say.
Imagine the reception that simple statement will get right after the game begins. The applause will be such no one will be able to hear the rest of the song--and thank God for that!
He continues: "A lot more rich and a whole lot smarter"--and that seems to be the TCU ethos in a nutshell. We are not exactly known as paupers, and presumably it is implicit in the mission statement of creating "ethical leaders in the global community" that these ethical leaders possess, if not wisdom, at least a kind of intelligence that is a precondition to being a leader.
Then there's some more nonsense.
And then the chorus again.
This Is The Carter. We're perfect. We're ladies. We're gentlemen. We're pimps and players. We're a whole lot smarter and a whole lot richer than . . . someone.
I think by now you can see the wisdom in removing "We Dem Boyz" from our current playlist at the Carter and replacing it with Diminutive Wayne's "This Is The Carter"--it's ideal for us. I'm all for it.
Especially the part where people get so pumped I don't have to hear it.
Best,
SI
P.S., Loved how you punked the Red Raiders fans, by the way.
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