The Screwed Tape Letters: For Love of the Game

Dear Reader,

As always, it is a pleasure to address you. I would wish to send you all the positive energy and vibes I can, so that, as we celebrate this Valentine's Day, you can embrace your significant other, confident in the certainty you are loved, that the flowers and candies and chocolates and wine have done their work, and your romance may survive this winter until death dies with the birth of spring.

Having said that: Valentine's Day sucks.

Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against people spending small fortunes buying their beloved's happiness--I've done it dozens of times, and to increasingly diminishing returns, or reruns as the case may be. But I would like it to be noted that in the 3rd century, when St. Valentine (associated with courtly love, epilepsy, and beekeeping) lived, theologians and philosophers of considerably more primitive scientific understanding equated epilepsy with demonic possession, and as for beekeeping, hydrocortisone had yet to be invented. Thus, the clever fellow who named this day chose for its nominal saint a guy the superstitious appealed to in cases of demonic possession and bee stings. Never deny the divine sense of humor.

Alas, I digress. And to return to the point, some people may find themselves making plans to carry their appreciation for the beloved into the rest of the year. And this being a sports page, I feel I may have some advice for those who are in relationships with sports fanatics. Being a sports ignoramus myself, gradually learning the distinction between court side and sidelines, and that, yes, basketball does have field goals (who knew?), I feel a particular kinship with the fair ladies and weathered gentlemen who may have the misfortune of a romantic partner who once a week or more screams madly at the television while someone chases a ball. So here are a few tips to help you, dear lady or gentleman, find your way into understanding the slings and arrows of outrageous athletic competition.

1. Give up

Stop reading now. You've had a good laugh. Now you can return to reading or Netflix or yoga or whatever gives you a thrill. Sports fanatics are, after all, called fanatics for a reason--they're crazy. Don't bother.

2. Alcohol

Congratulations! You're committed. Seeing the hopelessness of the predicament, you are still interested in finding a way to share your significant other's enthusiasm. The first tip is obvious. Alcohol is necessary. But what to drink? Well, my first thought is anything at hand. However, assuming you have options, I recommend limiting your sugar intake--so no mixed drinks. And no shots. A sportsball competition can last three or four hours. You're going to want something you can sip, something that can alter your consciousness just sufficiently so you can have a good time without leaving evidence in the bathroom. Or worse, on your partner's jersey.

3. Go to the games

There is something undeniably impressive about seeing a live game, an energy that never translates to television, unless of course you've already caught the bug--or the Frog, as the case should be. Sitting in Schollmaier Arena a few weeks back, despite the Horned Frogs' loss, I was amazed at the spectacle. You could practically smell the sweat and feel the leather of the ball as it swept the court, from net to net, like a missile bound to explode that never did. Having said that, while enjoying yourself, mind the advice in Tip #2.

4. Ignore any and all abbreviations and acronyms

Life is too short for them. If your partner uses one, ask for clarification, he or she will tell you, and if you don't know what that means, pretend you do. With time, you'll start to understand. And if you don't, there's nothing wrong with dilettantism--speaking as a professional. And there's always Tip #2.

5. Find a favorite player

This one is inevitable. The more you watch a sports competition, the clearer the individual charisma and personality of each player will become. Just make sure you pick a player on the same team as your significant other. Otherwise, there is always Tip #2.

6. Pick a second favorite team

Share the love. But perhaps not too much. Start by always committing your heart to your beloved's favorite team. Having said that, there's nothing wrong with paying attention to a team of your own--it will give you a sense of independence in your exploration of sports fanaticism. So, say your beloved is, naturally, a Horned Frogs fan. West Virginia would be a great option--again, as a second favorite. Or perhaps Iowa State. Oklahoma State's all right--just ask Rema. UT and Baylor are strictly forbidden. If you are so much as tempted, I would ask that you no longer follow Tip #2 (indubitably to blame for your lapse), and return to Tip #1.

7. Pick a second favorite sport

I owe this one to Tony and Rema. Regardless of the zeal, every fanatic has a sport closest to his or her heart. Because you are at this point an ignoramus, it's advisable that you begin with their passion. But be curious. They might love football, and you might find baseball more congenial. Who knows but that you and your partner will have a new pastime to enjoy and share? Having said that, if all else fails, there is Tip #2.

8. Have fun

Life's too short to take anything shy of death and family too seriously. Remember to have fun. And if your partner, when a game is lost in overtime, appears to be having a stroke, do not worry. They will recover. Remember Tip #2. Having said that, if they are actually having a stroke, you might consider 9-1-1.

9. Find your way

I don't know if I've made this clear, but when it comes to sports, I don't know anything. I've spent a quarter of a century perfecting that gift. So if any of the tips I have provided fail to improve your relationship with the significant other, disregard, and follow the calling of your own heart.

10. Alcohol

Having said that, I'm certain about Tip #2.

There you have it, dear Reader. My gift to you, from one sports ignoramus to another. I dearly hope some of this advice may prove useful as you venture into the wild world of sports fanaticism.

With love,

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