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Red-hot Mets complete NLCS sweep of Cubs, punch World Series ticket
1:17 | MLB
Red-hot Mets complete NLCS sweep of Cubs, punch World Series ticket
PFT Commenter
Thursday October 22nd, 2015

Please be advised that the following extremely hot takes are intentionally satirical. By reading, you hereby acknowledge and agree that you are doing so at your own risk. All grammatical errors are (most likely) intentional.


Seems like everyone was pulling for the loveable losers last night, and no I’m not talking about Star Wars fans folks.

The Chicago Cubs championship dream fell into a dark pool of despair as Murphy’s stout swing sent a sweet draft through the friendly confines. Ironic that the stadium is called Wrigley’s field when everyone who was there last night left with a bitter taste in there mouths.

Credit where credit is due- The Mets played well led by the courage of Daniel Murphy, Jacob deGrom, and that other guy that looks a whole heck of a lot like Jacob deGrom. However, it seems that no one is talking about the real story: The Chicago Cubs are cursed.

There I said it.

Could it just be a coincidence that the Cubs have been cursed with the most amount of curses? Now I’m not usually a superstitious type guy but even I have to admit that when you look back at the Billy Goat and the Bartman, the Mets and the Murphys, and now the Curse of being Cursed? Tough to overcome.

And well guess what? Theres another curse as well lingering about in the darkness. A real life phantom menace.

The Curse of the Nerd

Theo Epstein was supposed to be the changing of the guard in Chicago. The Cubs management rolled the 20-sided dice and brought in a Zooey Deschanel type computer geek with a spreadsheet and a imaginary girlfriend , a guy whose more used to puffing on a inhaler than a breathalyzer like a real baseball guy. To be frank, all he’s done is acted like a guy whose more concerned with the new Star Wars cast then he is with his own teams starting rotation. Well, I guess he learned the hard way that if you try to put together a team using a calculater all your going to do is end up looking like a 8008. It would be one thing if the Cubs Virgin-Savior actually had a philosophy and stuck to it, but he was more wishy-washy then a laundromat.

Memo to Epstein- its called a Maytag, not an Octobertag.

My understanding is that the theory behind Epsteins beloved Moneyball primarly consists of putting the most timid, wimpiest, Chris Sabo-looking players in the world up to bat and just drawing base on balls until the other pitcher dies from exhaustion. Its a shrewd strategy to be sure, but it only works if your steadfast in your commitment to it. Well the Cubs sure abandoned that strategy in the Divisional series with there Mickey-Mouse theatrics of going for the home run slam every at-bat instead of putting the ball in play or crowding the plate. That might of worked against the Cardinals, but that dog wont hunt against the Evil Empire of the Mets folks.

Maybe Epstein should of spent more time sticking to his Luke Skywalker game-plan and less time thinking about transforming his team into Luke Skyhomerunhitters. Moneyball isnt a effective strategy for the postseason once the games rules change entirely and it becomes completely different sport from the previous 169 games or whatever. The main reason it dosen’t work in October is that you have to narrow down your roster to 25 players for the playoffs, and you cant just sign in a bunch of Ewoks off the street to take advantage of there tiny strike zones. David Eckstein isnt walking through that doggy door.

You cant just start swinging for the fences and hope that your’ force awakens. If your going to do something- do it all the way. Instead, Epstein refused to commit one way or the other, and ended up with this watered-down Moneyball stuff, or what I like to call Light SABR.

So when you try to have your big players play small-ball, the Umpire’s going to Strike Back and your going to stop getting the ball-calls you had counted on to artificially inflate your stats all year. Its a bug in the system, and all those Bs turned into Flys.

You dance with who brung you, even if that means you spend all of prom night waltzing with your mom because your girlfriend lives in Canada and couldnt make it, Mr Epstein. It seemed to work out ok for Michael J Fox and the Cubs in “Back To The Future Two,” but Theo couldnt even stick to his own script folks, and by doing so, has put a new curse on this Cubs franchise. The Curse of the Nerd. Shame on him.

You know I seem to recall Pedro Martinez admitting that after losing heartbreaking series after heartbreaking series to the Bronx Bombers, all he could do was tip his hat and call the Yankees his Daddy. Theo was the general manager of that Red Sox team as well, and now the Mets are the ones telling the Cubs "I am your father."

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