An ode to kickers

A poet desperate for a segueIs grateful for Raul Allegre.And Vinatieri shilled for Snickers,But no one else loves field-goal kickers. Their teammates, each, are

Steve Rushin | Nov 17, 2010

An ode to kickers /

A poet desperate for a segueIs grateful for Raul Allegre.And Vinatieri shilled for Snickers,But no one else loves field-goal kickers.

Their teammates, each, are huge and freakish,But they're more . . . Ali Haji-Sheikh-ish.They're K-Marts in a world of Gucci.(Where did you go, Dean Biasucci?)

*****

I'm sure the four Zendejas brothersWere each beloved by their mother.Otherwise -- brotherwise -- Canton plaquesWill never be cast for Gogolaks.

And Chester Marcol of the Packers,Olindo Mare and Neil Rackers,Have suffered fortune's slings and arrows,With sundry Skips and Chips and Garos.

*****

Anderson, Andersen: Which one's which?It's Pete, not Peja, Stoyanovich?Del Greco, Daluiso: Which is which?There's Toni Linhart and Toni Fritsch?

That Ace Ventura: Pet DetectiveWas anti-kicker-filled invective.The villain was a sicko kickerWho dressed himself in ladies' knickers.

The movie Gus was even sicker:It cast a jackass as a kicker.A football horse, half-mule, half-man?'Twas Bengal kicker Horst Muhlmann.

*****

Two Bahrs once meant field-goal perfection;Two bars now mean poor phone reception.Two Bahrs incarnate -- bros Chris and Matt -- Wore one-bar facemasks across each hat.

Dramatic Arts -- Ars Dramatica -- As performed by Bill GramaticaMeant leaping, dancing, great emoting -- (An ACL torn while showboating).

*****

They don't deserve your scorn or laughterThis band of men who kick points-after.Kickers and goalposts both, I've found,Are just built up to get torn down.

Seldom is heard on ESPNThat glorious surname: "Septien."A Vikings fan, I'm purple-hazy --My dreams are still Fuad Reveiz-y.

The tank that's named for General PershingIs not as strong as leg of Wersching.In Oslo this man's fans are legion:Jan Stenerud kicked in Norwegian.

*****

Alone among his fellow kickersMike Vanderjagt misspoke while "liquored".Or so his quarterback insisted.Before the kicker got C-listed.

And so my eyes got somewhat mistyWhen gazing on the Bills' Steve Christie.The Raiders' kicker sure likes his food.That Cowboy Buehler's a righteous dude.

Has any avis been more raraThan Dallas great Efren Herrera?The Dow, the Nasdaq and the NikkeiHave fewer points than Igwebuike.

******

You couch-bound slobs, ruled by inertia:Bow down and worship Rolf Benirschke!The Toe (Lou Groza)! The Foot (Fred Cox)!And barefoot freaks wearing single socks!

The opposite of bland was Blanda,Kicked black-and-white, like Kung Fu Panda;And nerves? Jay Feely could not feel 'em,And nor can colleague Jason Elam.

They're shunned and roughed and waiver-wired;One day they're iced, the next they're fired.John Carney still has not expired.Joe Nedney has not yet perspired.

******

The chicks might dig a perfect spiral;Favre's every utterance goes viral.Americans though still revileAll things described as "soccer-style."

But when these fans go meet their makers,If heaven's run by David Akers,He'll cast aside those heathen sinnersWho shunned him when he missed game-winners.

He'll call the roll in Kicker Heaven:"Bironas, Rob!" and "Butler, Kevin!"Dempsey's a Saint, Norwood's a martyr.The Holy Grail's an 80-yarder.

Published Nov 17, 2010

STEVE RUSHIN

Special Contributor, Sports Illustrated Steve Rushin was born in Elmhurst, Ill. on September 22, 1966 and raised in Bloomington, Minn. After graduating from Bloomington Kennedy High School in 1984 and Marquette University in 1988, Rushin joined the staff of Sports Illustrated. He is a Special Contributor to the magazine, for which he writes columns and features. In 25 years at SI, he has filed stories from Greenland, India, Indonesia, Antarctica, the Arctic Circle and other farflung locales, as well as the usual locales to which sportswriters are routinely posted. His first novel, The Pint Man, was published by Doubleday in 2010. The Los Angeles Times called the book "Engaging, clever and often wipe-your-eyes funny." His next book, a work of nonfiction, The 34-Ton Bat, will be published by Little, Brown in 2013. Rushin gave the commencement address at Marquette in 2007 and was awarded an honorary Doctor of Letters for "his unique gift of documenting the human condition through his writing." In 2006 he was named the National Sportswriter of the Year by the National Sportswriters and Sportscasters Association. A collection of his sports and travel writing—The Caddie Was a Reindeer—was published by Grove Atlantic in 2005 and was a semifinalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor. The Denver Post suggested, "If you don't end up dropping The Caddie Was a Reindeerduring fits of uncontrollable merriment, it is likely you need immediate medical attention." A four-time finalist for the National Magazine Award, Rushin has had his work anthologized in The Best American Sports Writing, The Best American Travel Writing and The Best American Magazine Writing collections. His essays have appeared in Time magazine andThe New York Times. He also writes a weekly column for SI.com. His first book, Road Swing, published in 1998, was named one of the "Best Books of the Year" by Publishers Weekly and one of the "Top 100 Sports Books of All Time" by SI. He and his wife, Rebecca Lobo, have four children and live in Connecticut.