The NBA off-season eclipsed the NBA Finals in record time this year. I don’t even remember who won the championship. Meanwhile, Dwight Howard getting traded five minutes after starting a Twitter Q&A is something I look forward to telling my grandchildren about. It’s been that kind of summer so far, with trades and rumors and pure entropy overtaking the NBA ever since Paul George told the Pacers he’s breaking up with them once their lease ends.
The only sad part about the NBA off-season is the rumors that go unfulfilled. Nothing is worse than when some juicy trade gossip ends up being a useless endeavor because one team gets cold feet or another won’t part with an inconsequential young player. So with that being said, here are the rumors I hope absolutely come to fruition as the draft approaches.
1. Knicks trade Kristaps Porzingis
Wishing a Kristaps trade on Knicks fans is cruel, sure. I know many Knicks fans, and some of them are even decent people. Still, you know how it feels when you almost witness a car accident and you’re kind of sad for a split-second before realizing it’s better no one was physically maimed? That’s what a Kristaps trade would be. It would be like seeing that car accident actually happen, without the guilt caused by human injury.
The Knicks getting rid of Porzingis would be one of the worst moves in franchise history, and this is the same team that once gave Jared Jeffries a five-year contract a season after he averaged 6.4 points per game. New York would never forgive Phil Jackson. I imagine there would be protests outside the Garden every day, which Jackson may or may not pay attention to as he relaxes in Los Angeles.
2. Clippers trade DeAndre Jordan
Continuing with analogies that may or may not be specific only to my life, the Clippers trading DeAndre Jordan would be like if you begged your parents to buy you an Xbox, you played it a lot for one year, not so much the next, and then traded it in for some spare parts. That’s right, the Clippers are reportedly exploring trading Jordan only two years after he was basically held hostage in his own home until he re-signed with the team.
A Jordan trade actually makes sense! He has value right now, and Los Angeles desperately needs to get younger. Trading DeAndre could also help restock the cupboard for a rebuild in the event Chris Paul and Blake Griffin head elsewhere as free agents.
Mostly, though, Doc Rivers trading Jordan after desperately pleading for him to stay would be the icing on the cake of a hilariously awful tenure as general manager. When is Jerry West’s first day?
3. Cavaliers hire Chauncey Billups
The Cavs have reportedly interviewed former Pistons star Chauncey Billups to be their president of basketball operations, and if this happens, I don’t see how Cleveland keeps LeBron next summer. Is James really going to put his future in the hands of a novice? Chauncey definitely has the potential to be great at running an NBA team, but the situation with the Cavs seems way too complicated to bring in someone with no front office experience.
How bad of an owner is Dan Gilbert? He’s never extended the contract of one of his general managers. He’s still paying the salary of Mike Brown, who was an assistant coach on the team that just beat Gilbert in the Finals. And we haven’t even gotten to the predatory lending! Gilbert fell ass-backwards into LeBron not once, but twice, and outside of cutting some checks, he has seemingly done everything he can to mess it up both times. Count me completely in for another summer of LeBron free agency drama next year.
4. Warriors trade for Paul George
Completely made this one up but Golden State’s got to start putting its name out there even if only as like a prank or something.
Rumor that hopefully doesn’t come true
Rockets guard Patrick Beverley started following the Pacers on Twitter, and then basically confirmed himself he could be on the move. Why would the Rockets get rid of one of their best individual defenders and best agitator? Beverley is the type of player who is most fun on a contending team like Houston. If he’s going to get moved, then hopefully it’s to another great team. Otherwise, the Rockets should be trying to run back last year’s squad, perhaps with a couple additions on the wing.
Incredible true thing that already happened
Kawhi Leonard got rid of his braids!
First LeBron goes bald and now this. The NBA off-season loves to watch the world burn.