CONTENT WARNING: The content you are about to see may cause serious emotional distress and as such, should be approached with caution. Not for the faint-hearted or those who ever want to look at Cristiano Ronaldo with any amount of respect ever again.
Right, now that's out of the way, whoever's having me on just own up. Just admit that you've somehow superimposed Cristiano Ronaldo into some bizarre kids' TV show and sent it to me specifically, and we can all move on with our lives.
No? No takers? Fine, then we'll try and explain this with logic and reason. If you can bear it, take 30 seconds out of your life to have a look at the following advert for south-east Asian shopping website Shopee, and tell me how you feel.
Watch Ronaldo score his latest victory in our new TV commercial in celebration of Shopee 9.9 Super Shopping Day! 😱Comment below and let us know what's your favourite scene and tag a fan! 😂#ShopeeSGxRonaldo #ShopeeSG99 #Shopee99SuperShoppingDay pic.twitter.com/SzkDMhM7bU— Shopee Singapore (@ShopeeSG) August 16, 2019
Yes, I'm struggling with it. I really am. It's like one of those illusion videos that show a prism imperceptibly changing into a square depending on what angle you look at it from. It just doesn't compute.
For those of you who sensibly heeded the warning and didn't watch it, it starts in fairly normal fashion, with Ronaldo, sporting the number seven on a generic white and black football strip, rattling a free kick into the top left hand corner, before pulling out his signature celebration in front of a packed-out and definitely-not-green-screened stadium.
But then the acid kicks in, apparently, because all-of-a-sudden, children's voices from around the stadium begin to ring out. They're saying one thing, and that one thing will forever be burned into the memory of every fool who observed this accursed video: Shopee.
Then everyone's top turns orange? Then Ronaldo scratches his head, and is handed a booking, before chillingly putting on a demented smile and uttering the phrase himself. Even Ronny has been possessed by the spirit of Shopee, whatever Shopee actually is. The advert doesn't even explain that much.
But that's not even it. His shirt then magically turns Shopee orange, and to the tune of Baby bloody Shark (except the lyrics seem to just be Shopee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-peepee, naturally) starts dancing along with his team-mates while rhythmically tapping his phone.
It ends with him striking a pose and holding up the Shopee logo for all to see, as the jaunty dystopian tune reaches its crescendo (su-per-sho-pping-DAAAAAY). And then we crash-land back into reality, trying and failing to comprehend what on earth we've just watched.
Did Shopeee threaten Ronaldo to get that advert done??— tes (@teslim_olawale) August 16, 2019
How has this happened. What series of events has led to Cristiano Ronaldo, the millionaire megastar and perhaps the most recognisable athlete in Europe, starring in some fever dream straight out of the mind of Charlie Brooker?
I need explanations, but first I need a lie down after watching this video ten times over. It may have brainwashed me.
Download Shopee on all your mobile devices, or Shopee will get you too.