We know the holidays can be stressful, which is why we'd like to help make your shopping process as easy as possible. And while knowing what to buy is helpful, sometimes knowing what not to buy is just as important. So as a companion piece to this year's holiday gift guide, we've created this cheat sheet for the stupidest possible sports gifts on the internet. If you were thinking about buying one of these, might we suggest a gift card instead?
FOREST FACE - $19.95
For the lonely hockey fans on your list, why not give them the best gift of all – friendship! Who needs the company of colleagues and acquaintances when you can turn the trees in your backyard into your BFFs. Sure, these items are at best depressing and at worst terrifying, but your new tree friends certainly aren’t going to call you out on it!
NASCAR ROMANCE NOVELS - $5.99
There’s something a little overdramatic about romance novels, and something a little overdramatic about NASCAR, so it makes sense that there’s a whole line of merchandise that combines the two into one literary heap. Although, can you blame the lonely women of the world? Who wouldn’t be seduced by this facial hair:
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS GARTER – 5 POUNDS
Wedding tradition holds that at the reception, the groom crawls under the bride’s dress in front of everyone to remove a functionless garter from her leg in a ritual that seems like it might be fun, but always ends up making everyone uncomfortable. The groom then tosses the garter to his friends, who get excited that they caught a piece of lingerie, but NOT TOO EXCITED, because that’s their friend’s wife. The bride, of course, has to wear this dumb itchy thing on her leg all day for this pointless ceremony. You can make this very stupid tradition more special than ever by incorporating your favorite Premier League team into the mix.
NFL WINE SHOE - $57.99
Looks like mom’s drunk again. I’m no sommelier, but I’m pretty sure this is not the way wine was designed to be showcased. If I came to your house with an expensive bottle of wine and you put it inside a shoe, I wouldn’t just be insulted, I’d also be worried about early-onset dementia. Wine doesn’t go in shoes, Carol. Putting your guests’ wine in a football shoe is a good way to ensure they bring a box of Franzia to your next party.
RED SOX HAND FAN - $10
There’s something about a hand fan that evokes images of the South – sitting on your porch in a rocking chair, drinking sweet tea on a broiling summer day. That’s where fans belong. And that image is a far cry from the bawdy Red Sox fans that inhabit Fenway Park in the summer. Bringing a flimsy bamboo fan to a Red Sox game is a sure way to get your fan broken.
JOHN CENA NUTCRACKER - $24.99
So, just to be clear, this is just a regular nutcracker that says John Cena’s name on it. There’s a logo on his chin and his hat, but… they didn’t even try. It probably would have been pretty easy to make a nutcracker that looks like John Cena, but they didn’t. They just put some Cena decals on a regular nutcracker, so what’s the point? Also, nutcrackers kind of inherently look like Bray Wyatt, so why didn’t they seize that marketing opportunity. Come on, WWE.
MIAMI HEAT ZOMBIE BANK - $17.24
Here’s the thing about zombies. Regardless of your stance on the fast zombies/slow zombies debate, we can all agree that these undead monsters lack the intellectual capability to open a bank vault, and they certainly can’t break into one like a skilled criminal, as this piggy bank seems to imply. There’s a reason Guy Richie has never made a zombie bank heist movie. Also, what does this have to do with the Miami Heat?
NHL Goal Light Pizza Cutter - $23.99
Let’s break this product description down to highlight the myriad flaws:
Make eating your favorite pizza even better
with the Fan Fever ® NHL® Goal Light Pizzza Cutter.
So many ®s
Designed with a durable, steel metal blade, this pizza cutter can glide through the pizza just like the players do on the ice.
Okay, wait. Instead of going with the obvious ice skate blade analogy, you’re going to use that ham-fisted gliding comparison?
With every cut, you’ll set off the goal light buzzer and create the sound you hear whenever your favorite team scores.
Great. Way to turn pizza into a nightmare.