Ballers Power Rankings: Episode 1, ‘Face of the Franchise’
Welcome to Extra Mustard’s weekly Ballers power rankings. This week, in the Season 2 premier, Spencer and Terrell Suggs brawl on Jay Glazer’s show, the Dolphins appear to be moving on from Ricky Jarrett, and Ndamukong Suh is a total boss.
1. Jay Glazer
He is the clear winner of this week’s episode. Glazer chats up Spencer’s boss at a party, then chats up Spencer, and books him for his show Glazed and Confused (possibly the worst name of all time). “What’s the worst that can happen?” the video podcast hosts asks.
Look at my man, wheeling and dealing. He baits Spencer in with a simple question, then invites on Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs, who Spencer has a long-standing beef with. Glazer knows how to create some radio fire, like Birdman on The Breakfast Club or Kanye on Sway In The Morning. He asks about the tension between the two. Then he lets the gloves come off, sits back, laughs, and just turns his head back and forth like he's at a tennis match. He’d already gotten his money’s worth, and then Sizzle and Spencer brawl. Glazer’s show is now firmly on the map and the ratings are off the charts. Glory Glaze.
Andre, this season’s heel, had almost as much to do with the incident on Glazer’s show as Glazer did. He’s gotten the best of Spencer before, as we learned, and got the best of him again by dangling an old foe in front of his face. The difference between Glazer and Andre is that one is raking in the cash and the other may have just lost it to a rising super-agent/financial manager.
3. Spencer Strasmore
I was ready to cement Spencer at No. 1 for his “PHD in talking s—” line on Glazer’s show, but then he wound up getting beaten down by Suggs and costing his clients some money. Still, you can’t really front on Spencer. He’s now in a position of power, opened up Ndamukong Suh’s restaurant, made peace with T-Sizzle, and even pledged to steal him away from this season’s new bad guy. This Andre character doesn’t know what’s coming.
4. Ndamukong Suh
Suh rolls up to the opening of his new restaurant, ‘Suh Casa’ (what a freaking name!) just killing it. He has the suit, the boat, the women on the boat, and he doesn’t give a speech, because Ndamukong Suh doesn’t do speeches.
5. Terrell Suggs
Suggs was another huge winner. He got the best of Spencer in a fight, and wore a shirt with his nickname on it. Legend.
6. Alonzo Cooley
Twelve million a year, and a nice stare into the camera and into the soul of Ricky Jarrett after dedicating the contract to his mother. Looks like Alonzo won this battle. Now Ricky has to go play for, like, the Bears or something.
7. Miami Dolphins
Miami seemingly cuts bait with Ricky, who we love because he is unpredictable off the field, in favor of a more stable option at wideout. Plus, the Dolphins might be looking to get younger on the offensive line, hinting to Charles that he may have to go back to selling cars. Power moves.
8. Ricky’s fun house
The fun house will never take an L.
9. Joe Krutel
Didn’t do anything to embarrass himself. Seems like a win to me.
10. Ricky Jarrett
He lost some money, sure, but he ends the episode by taking a SKIL saw to a Dolphins ice sculpture, right in front of Alonzo Cooley. Nice recovery.
Just Missed: Yeezy for President t-shirt... Jarvis Landry... Mark Wahlberg... Mayor Regalato (four more years!)...Jason Taylor