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How would John Sterling call the birth of Derek Jeter’s child?

What if John Sterling was right there in the delivery room?

Derek Jeter and his wife, Hannah, announced Monday that they are expecting their first child. What great news for the happy couple! But while Hannah is Jeter’s wife, it’s probably fair to say that she hasn’t witnessed as many of his major life events as John Sterling has. It only makes sense for Sterling to be in the delivery room calling the action, right? (No, it doesn’t, but let’s pretend just for the sake of this joke.) How would the excitable, pun loving Yankees announcer (and his broadcast partner Suzyn Waldman) call the birth of the couple’s first child?

• “Hey, Pedro! Tip your hat and call the Captain a daddy!”

• “He’s the Jeterfamilas!” 

• “You know, Suzyn, it’s only fitting that Mrs. Jeter opted against the epidural here. Derek never needed to pad his performance with drugs.”

• “And Jeter stands… and leaves his chair. Back he goes, to the door… to the hall… he’s… GONE! Jeter’s GONE! Ohhh, how da ya like that. Jeter stood up and left the room to go take a leak. Ya don’t see that every day, Suzyn.”

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• “The 2–2… Here comes the baby! Here comes to the baby to the plate and it is BORN! Born! Only Derek Jeter could be a father! A truly JETERIAN birth!”

• “Oh, and the doctor STUMBLES! He STUMBLES! Jeter...annnnd he CAUGHT IT! HE CAUGHT IT! Ohhhh, what an unBELIEVEable play by Jeter! How da ya like THAT!? He took TWO steps to his right and he made a SENSATIONAL play to save that baby.”

• “Jeter… 1-for-3 today with a couple strikeouts. He’s standing over the vending machine. Ready to choose. Here comes the selection. Jeter hits B… now 2… here comes the coil a-swirling around… annnnd it’s going to be a Hershey’s bar. Well, now two away and— now wait a minute. That—that’s a Snickers! It’s a Snickers! Oh, I’m sorry—I’ve gone and messed this whole thing up. Jeter went for C2 and bought himself a Snickers. You just can’t predict baseball.

• “It’s time for our Indian Point Energy Center power report, and today we’ll be talking about that IV tube. Really working hard over there next to Mrs. Jeter, a very reliable IV tube. I remember back in ’98, a tube like this. It was named Tino Martinez.​”

- Dan Gartland and Kenny Ducey