This week, the website wejustscored.com did mankind a huge favor by posting the goal horns and celebratory songs for all 30 teams. Once we finally tore ourselves away from this veritable rabbit hole of amusement, it seemed only natural to critique and rank them. So here you go. From worst to best, says us!
30. Florida Panthers
Sure, they go with “Rock and Roll Part 2” but wait! They add drops of a panther growl to coincide with “Hey!” And then they start hammering the drop button, apparently just to see how fast they can do it ... or how quickly they can tire fans out on the growl. Come on, guys. There are Junior B teams doing better than this. Click to listen.
29. San Jose Sharks
This might be the manliest goal horn in the league—if Liam Neeson had a boat, this is what it would sound like just before he rammed your ship broadsides. But that Casio version of “Rock and Roll Part 2”? Maybe they'd be better off politely reminding the crowd to applaud after goals. Click to listen.
28. Colorado Avalanche
Forget that it is the single most generic arena song in use today—the rest of the league needs to follow Nashville's lead and ban Gary Glitter's “Rock and Roll Part 2” on principle alone. Morphing it into Locksley's “The Whip” halfway through doesn't help. Click to listen.
27. Carolina Hurricanes
You haven't truly hated “Song 2” until you've heard it loaded with drops from “Star Wars,” “The Simpsons,” “The Flintstones” and half a dozen other sources. A nightmarish cacophony of noise porn. Click to listen (if you dare).
26. Buffalo Sabres
“Song 2” might have been a perfectly viable option in, say, 1999, but it's time to move on. On the plus side, the Sabres are the league's lowest scoring team so we won't have to hear it too often. Like the classic horn, though. Click to listen.
25. Edmonton Oilers
The long, nasally horn sounds like the sweet whispered promises of first love compared to “Don't Stop The Party” by Pitbull. Pitbull, for cryin' out loud! The guy is basically the Edmonton Oilers of musicians .... oh, I get it now. Click to listen.
24. Detroit Red Wings
As a rule, original, team specific goal songs are good. “Hey, Hey Hockeytown” is the exception to that rule. Maybe it's the fact that it has extensive lyrics, like “The Cup is ours for all to drink/It's our time, let's rock this rink!” rather than fan-friendly chants or singalongs. Maybe it's that it's sung by Kid Rock, that back yard balladeer and Chevy pitchman. Whatever. It's just embarrassing. And hasn't Detroit suffered enough? Click to listen.
23. Toronto Maple Leafs
The Leafs, no doubt bowing to some corporate synergy initiative, are mixing it up this season with a few options. The first of these, “Best Day of My Life” by American Authors, should be warmly received by folks who prefer to remain seated and continue talking on their phones after the home team scores. Another, ”Turbulence” by Laidback Luke & Steve Aoki feat. Lil Jon will be huge with the $30,000 millionaires rockin' toques with their suits in their company seats. Click to listen.
22. Ottawa Senators
Maybe if wide-eyed girls in tall furry boots handed out Ring Pops and glow sticks to everyone entering the Canadian Tire Center I'd understand the decision to go with Avicii's “Wake Me Up.” But since they don't ... I don't. Click to listen.
21. New York Islanders
Shredder Joe Satriani is to music what Bret Easton Ellis is to literature. There's a time in your life when it's perfectly reasonable to enjoy it but you probably should get past that phase pretty quickly. Aside from being overused, “Crowd Chant” feels more like a product than a song. Click to listen.
20. Minnesota Wild
See: New York Islanders. The Wild unfortunately use the same song. Click to listen.
19. Vancouver Canucks
Let's see: “Gold On the Ceiling” (a lot of Black Keys this season), “Holiday” by Green Day ... upbeat, familiar and thoroughly lacking in imagination or connection to the team. Click to listen.
18. Tampa Bay Lightning
Listening to “Fluxland” by Fluxland reminds me of how much people smoke in the concourses of Slovakian arenas in between periods. I think some of them might like this song. Click to listen.
17. Philadelphia Flyers
“Booyah” by Showtek feat. We Are Loud & Sonny Wilson is a happy enough little ditty, the sort of song that bored suburban moms might record their toddler dancing to so they have something fresh to put up on Facebook. Or a perfectly reasonable soundtrack for sharing a pitcher of light beer and half-priced apps with co-workers after surviving a round of layoffs. But to celebrate Wayne Simmonds plowing over a hapless defender and going bar dizzle? Seems kinda subdued. Click to listen.
16. Winnipeg Jets
Winnipeg's endless horn/siren combo makes me want to duck and cover, but I'm guessing that there's a lot of energy generated between that and Rev Theory's “Hell Yeah.” Click to listen.
15. Washington Capitals
Not many use the horn/siren combo, but going a little bit over the top seems to fit nicely with this bunch. And I love the decision to go with some deep cut Iron Maiden (“The Wicker Man”). Original and crowd friendly. Click to listen.
14. Columbus Blue Jackets
You know what's fun? Bringing a friend to a Blue Jackets game and not warning them about the goal cannon. Hey, hey, surprise! Perfectly timed into AC/DC's “For Those About To Rock,” it might be the best game presentation bit in the entire league ... but then they slather it with ketchup, sliding into the crass obviousness of Locksley's “The Whip.” So close to greatness, but ... Click to listen.
13. Los Angeles Kings
After a couple of short bursts from that high-pitched train horn and a quick cut from Randy Newman's “I Love L.A.” the Staple Center celebration kicks into gear with a tune that packs all the raw power, the naked emotion and the street cred that you'd expect from a song written by the guy who used to play drums in Cinderella. Not that it's bad—in fact it's perfectly serviceable, with a couple of “heys” and enough time between 'em to pull a swig or two from your beer. But it could be played anywhere—there's nothing that makes it distinctively Los Angeles. Of course, compared to what Detroit trots out that may not be such a bad thing ... Click to listen.
12. Pittsburgh Penguins
First they stole the Bruins colors, then they swiped their goal song. Someone in Boston better keep a close eye on Jack Edwards and Rene Rancourt just in case those Yinzers get any ideas ... Click to listen.
11. Boston Bruins
I'm not a big EDM guy, but even I knew that Zombie Nation's "Kernkraft 400" was just about played out by the time the B's became the first NHL team to use it as their goal song. Now? It's been beaten to death, the most ubiquitous of all jock rock anthems. Doesn't mean it's not fun to “whoa” along with, but it's time for something fresh. Click to listen.
10. Montreal Canadiens
They finally dumped U2's “Vertigo” last season, so it's all gravy for the Habs. The new tune by Loco Locass was written specifically for the team and name checks most of the greats in franchise history but the chorus, the actual goal celebration section, is surprisingly downbeat. It's not bad, it's just hard to imagine it matching the energy level of the buzziest building in the league. Click to listen.
9. Nashville Predators
Superfan Tim McGraw personalized his hit “I Like It, I Love It” for the Preds, which is brilliant. It's familiar, it's catchy and, most important, you know exactly what building you're in when you hear it. Only problem: it's too short. They need to work up an extended mix so they can ditch the segue into “Gold On The Ceiling” by The Black Keys. Sure, they're a local act but they don't scream Music City the way McGraw does. You're special, Nashville. Embrace it. (Oh, and a big plus-1 for ditching Gary Glitter.) Click to listen.
8. Calgary Flames
The immediate response sounds more like a stuck keyboard note than a horn, but they make up for it with the massive “Righteous Smoke” by Monster Truck. Imagine Chris Cornell replacing Lonesome Dave as the singer for Foghat—it's a classic rock revival sound that's ideally suited for rousing rough 'n' tumble Albertans. Click to listen.
7. Arizona Coyotes
Nice horn—multi-layered and higher pitched than most—followed up by the Black Keys' “Howlin' For You.” Get it? The song's a bit of a lo-fi hipster cliché these days, but damned if it's not easy to clap along to. Click to listen.
6. New Jersey Devils
This one's so fresh it's not yet officially out of the oven. “Devils Rule” by local performer Rich Andruska will make its debut at Saturday's home opener ... assuming New Jersey scores, of course. (So far they seem to be doing it a bit more than they did last season.) It's a bit paint-by-numbers, but still hooky enough to engage the crowd with both “whoas” and “Let's go, Devils!” It's not Bruce, but it's not bad at all. Click to listen.
5. Anaheim Ducks
The horn might be the best in the league—a short toot followed by what sounds like crashing glass and a police siren. Hey, anarchy is good. Pennywise's “Bro Hymn” with the Misfits-inspired “whoa-oh-oh-oh” chorus is perfect for the post-celly sing along. Click to listen.
4. New York Rangers
What curse? Maybe the Rangers haven't won the Cup since the song was introduced in 1995, but Bad Apple's “Slap Shot” created the template for every other team-created song that followed. Uptempo but not thrashy, it encourages fans to sing along with the "Whoa-oh-ohs," or chant the "Hey … hey-hey-heys.” Something for everybody! Plus it allowed them to dodge this bullet. Click to listen.
3. St. Louis Blues
I know they still on occasion use Blur's “Song 2”—the “Big Bang Theory” of music—but I'm going to pretend that they always follow up a red light with this organ version of “When The Saints Go Marchin' In.” Because it is Barclay Plager and the Checkerdome and a bunch of Sutters and all kinds of brilliant. Click to listen.
2. Dallas Stars
“Puck Off” is more than just a goal song. It's a multi-purpose call-to-arms for the team, evoking images of raging Visigoths storming over the boards, monster trucks, Chuck Norris and 'Merica. Plus, this meaty slab of fist-pumping metal was written specifically for the Stars by local heroes Pantera. Tough to top that. Click to listen.
1. Chicago Blackhawks
You can hate the Hawks, but there's no denying The Fratellis and the hook-filled power pop glory of “Chelsea Dagger.” An inherently happy tune, it manages to convey a sense of “Yeah, we're glad we just scored, but we've done it before...and we'll do it again.” Click to listen.
GALLERY: Weirdest Hockey Mascots
Weirdest Hockey Mascots
Harvey: Calgary Flames
You'd think a team with a name like the Flames would employ a fire-themed mascot like the ill-fated Scorch (inset), but Harvey the Hound has been Calgary's alpha dog since 1984. His droopy tongue is the oddest thing about him, and it made an inviting target for Oilers coach Craig MacTavish, who ripped it out of Harvey's mouth during a 2003 game.
Stinger: Columbus Blue Jackets
The Blue Jackets' Civil War connection is not always immediately recognized, so it was fitting that Boomer the Cannon (inset) was often mistaken for a bong, mustachioed male genitalia, or a sausage between two pizza wheels after his introduction in 2010. His plug was quickly pulled, leaving the team with its original mascot, Stinger, who seems to be a play on a yellow jacket except that he's green.
Introduced for the league's 2014 Stadium Series of outdoor games, it's an odd hybrid of a puck and an Angry Bird topped with Groucho Marx eyebrows. All it needs is a cigar and some Marxist zingers like, "Bettman, you have the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
Max: Manchester Monarchs (AHL)
Clearly a kin of Bailey, the L.A. Kings' lion mascot, Max's purple snout summons Marxist images of Groucho's greasepaint mustache. Like HockeyBird, he could also use a nice big cheroot in the corner of his mouth.
Fin: Vancouver Canucks
We get that he's supposed to be an orca like the one on the team's crest, but Fin's uncanny resemblance to the malevolent creature in the Alien movies is a bit unnerving. And he's often seen biting people's heads.
Twister: Cincinnati Cyclones (ECHL)
Whatever it is, it's the stuff of bad dreams ... or an Alien prequel.
Victor E. Green: Dallas Stars
The NHL's newest mascot is an alien with hockey sticks for antennas. The outer space thing does make sense for a team called the Stars, and his name either refers to the club's official colors or, as some have speculated, Norman Green, the former owner who spirited the franchise away from Minnesota in 1993.
Audie: Utica Comets (AHL)
A cross between a big little green man and actor Eugene Levy?
Youppi!: Montreal Canadiens
What is he? The former mascot of the Montreal Expos. Youppi! (French for "Yippee!") was taken in by the storied Habs after the MLB team relocated to Washington for the 2005 season and left him on his own.
Sparky: New York Islanders
What hath a dragon to do with the Islanders? Like Montreal's Youppi!, Sparky was once employed by a team in another sport (in this case Charles Wang's NY Dragons of the Arena Football League). After Wang bought the Isles in 2000, Sparky replaced the shabby, vaguely creepy Nyisles (inset), who was supposed to be seafarer like the fisherman on the team's infamous crest of mid-90s.
Badaboum: Quebec Nordiques
I am the Walrus? The Nordiques' mascot, which must have a sibling named Badabing, was abandoned when the team moved to Colorado, became the Avalanche, and upgraded to Howler the Yeti.
Bernie: Colorado Avalanche
In 2009, the Avs replaced the somewhat scurvy Howler the Yeti (inset), who'd been spotted in the Pepsi Center stands for two years, with Bernie, a St. Bernard with a cask (or is it a football?) attached to its chin.
Spike: Toledo Walleye (ECHL)
A cousin of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Obviously works for scale.
Stormy: Carolina Hurricanes
Granted, finding a suitable mascot for a team named after a meteorological maelstrom is a challenge, but Stormy gives one paws, er, pause. If you're not from the Tar Heel State, you're probably unaware that he's an homage to North Carolina's many hog farms and that Ice Hogs was considered as a name for the former Whalers after they relocated from Hartford in 1997.
Thunderbug: Tampa Bay Lightning
He's a lightning bug (aka a firefly), and that's all well and good. We like him, actually, but he appears to be related to Pac-man.
MeLVin: Lehigh Valley Phantoms (AHL)
Yogi Bear as conceived on an acid trip.
Roscoe: Milwaukee Admirals (AHL)
Aye, and a scurvy vision he be with that somewhat macabre jersey.
Hat Trick: Norfolk Admirals (AHL)
Oh, that demented grin.