Game of character: our ultimate hockey movie All-Star Team

Presenting a dream team of characters from classic hockey films like Slap Shot and Goon, including a coach, GM and broadcasters.

If hockey movies have taught us anything, it’s that our favorite game is incredibly fast and shockingly violent, that goaltenders are high strung targets who get little help from their defense, and that creative cussing is a skill set as vital as skating and stickhandling.

No wonder we love watching these things, eh?

They’ve also introduced us to a plethora of rich and colorful characters, some of whom seem to play the game pretty well. So that got us to thinking: Which of these guys would make up the best possible team?

We pored over our favorite films and narrowed it down to our list of celluloid First-Team All-Stars. The rules? Only fictional players were eligible (so, no Rocket Richard or Jim Craig). And to spread out the love, we limited our favorite films to four representatives, max.

• Jake Gyllenhaal reveals Mighty Ducks despair

And just because we felt like it, we expanded our list to include the best cinematic coach, GM and broadcaster.

Here then is our take on the the ultimate hockey movie All-Star team. What’s yours?

WARNING: Some clips contain language that can make the devil blush. Best not to watch at work, in a house of worship, or within earshot of urchins.

• GOALIE: Denis Lemieux, Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot)

The skinny: A classic stand-up style netminder, Lemieux battled allergies, an immobile defense and a language barrier to become one of the most feared keepers in the Federal League.

Career highlight: Appearing on Jim Carr's Sports Talk; demanding a trade

Money quote: “You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.”

• DEFENSEMAN: Doug Glatt, Halifax Highlanders(Goon)

The skinny: Despite some weak ankles and a late introduction to the game—he had to wear his brother’s figure skates to his first practice—Glatt established himself as one of the most dreaded enforcers in the game as well as a multi-positional threat who could play up front when the situation dictated.

Career highlight: Scoring his first career goal with his ass; knocking out Ross Rhea

Money quote: “Hey! I’ll light your ass... back up... on fire!”

• DEFENSEMAN: John Biebe, Mystery (Mystery, Alaska)

The skinny: Biebe played in Mystery’s “Saturday Game” for longer than anybody in the town’s history but was cut from the team before being called back into action for the big tilt against the New York Rangers. Though his legs had lost a gear or two, his veteran experience and leadership made him an impact player. He scored a goal and added two assists in the heartbreaking loss to the NHLers.

Career highlight: Wearing the C against the Blueshirts

Money quote: “Nice work, Tree. You killed him.”

• FORWARD: Ned Braden, Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot)

The skinny: A college graduate—he was All-Eastern at Princeton—and an American citizen, Braden was a silky smooth attacker who was as adept at making plays as he was finishing them. He didn’t have much of a physical game, but he partially compensated by leading the Federal League in scoring.

Career highlight: Sealed the Federal League championship by goading Syracuse Bulldogs captain Tim McCracken into punching the referee.

Money quote: “Is the answer Jesus?”

• FORWARD: Ross Rhea, St. John’s Shamrocks (Goon)

The skinny: A legendary brawler, Rhea was banished to the minors after a brutal stick-swinging incident. There, the 40-year-old proved that he was a better hockey player than he gave himself credit for, scoring a couple of beauty goals—he actually had some pretty gross mitts—and making an impact every time he stepped on the ice.

Career highlight: Had his number 3 retired by the Shamrocks while still an active player.

Money quote: “So, Huntsie, I was wonderin” how long it takes you to get your hair like that?”

• FORWARD: Xavier LaFlamme, Halifax Highlanders (Goon)

The skinny: Selected No. 2 by Montreal, LaFlamme could really dance with the puck. He had 100% pure natural skill ... until he lost his nerve after being Shrekked by Ross Rhea. He eventually rediscovered his game in the minors, emboldened by the presence of enforcer Doug Glatt, to become an impact player down the stretch run.

Career highlight: Scoring natural hat trick in final game of the season to send the Highlanders on to the playoffs.

Money quote: “Tabernac, BAM! You f-----g beat him.”

• COACH: Reg Dunlop, Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot)

The skinny: A great veteran who knew how to work the media as well as a locker room, Dunlop was a vocal proponent of old-time hockey. As player/coach, he led a rag-tag band of misfits all the way from the cellar to the pinnacle of the Federal League. He also was regarded as one of the finest chirpers in the game.

Career highlight: Getting hired to coach Minnesota.

Money quote: “Scouts?"

• GM: Joe McGrath, Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot)

The skinny: A well-traveled hockey executive who once worked with Eddie Shore, McGrath was as legendary for pinching pennies as he was for recognizing talent. He was especially proud of getting a good deal on a trio of hard-hitting brothers out of the Iron League after hearing scouts say “they showed a lot of promise.”

Career highlight: Organizing fashion shows to promote the Chiefs in the community.

Money quote: “Do you see this quarter? It used to be a nickel!”

• PLAY BY PLAY: Rod McCaudry (Goon)

The skinny: The veteran radio voice of the Highlanders enjoys drinking champagne, spending time with his wife and calling it like he sees it.

Career highlight: Seeing the Highlanders make the playoffs.

Money quote: “Well that was borderline treasonous, and a disgrace to our nation and its proud and storied history. My father didn’t kick the Nazis’ ... and the puck drops!”

GALLERY: Best and Worst Hockey Flicks of All Time

Best and Worst Hockey Flicks of All Time

BEST: #5 — Mystery, Alaska (1999)

Mystery, Alaska is a love letter to the sport from writer David E. Kelley (best known for Boston Legal and the criminally under-appreciated Lake Placid). This little gem packs in a lot of crisp banter, strong performances from Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria and Maury Chaykin while managing to avoid most of the sports movie cliches. Some of the hockey scenes border on the hyperbolic, but that one rough edge is smoothed over by Mike Myers' turn as a Don Cherry manque who utters the memorable line, "If you don't play this game with a big heart and a big bag of knuckles in front of the net, you don't got dinky do."

BEST: #4 — The Rocket (2005)

Rather than belabor the social context of English-French tensions in the 1940s, The Rocket simply immerses you in them as it examines the larger importance of Maurice Richard beyond the rink. Roy Dupuis won a Genie (Canadian Oscar) for capturing Richard and his smoldering intensity. Look for cameos from Vinnie Lecavalier, Sean Avery, Ian Laperriere and several other NHLers.

BEST: #3 — The Deadliest Season (1977)

Haven't seen it? Not surprised. Despite a stellar cast that featured Michael Moriarty, Jill Eikenberry and the first film appearance by Meryl Streep (!), this 1977 made-for-TV drama about a player who embraces hockey's culture of violence to deadly effect has yet to be issued on DVD. A tight script that respectfully captured the evolution the game was experiencing during that period makes it worth the effort to track down a bootleg copy (not that I, ahem, condone bootlegging). Oh, and Dave Eskanazi, the player killed during a game by Moriarty's character? He was played by Paul D'Amato, who gained greater fame as Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken in another little hockey movie that same year.

BEST: #2 — Goon (2011)

I did wrong by this film when I first saw it, dismissing it as a patronizingly earnest Slap Shot pastiche. Glad I gave it a second chance. Goon is that rare unsentimental sports movie that both respects and takes down the game. Get beyond the colorful background characters spouting quotable locker room gold, and you've got some rich work from Seann William Scott and Liev Schrieber. And to its eternal credit, the obligatory love interest (Alison Pill ) may be the most vividly painted character in the entire film. There are rough patches—writer Jay Baruchel 's character is so profane that he derails every scene he's in—but Goon is a small-budget gem.

BEST: #1 — Slap Shot (1977)

One of the happiest days of my life: a first-class flight to Finland that included lobster for dinner, a comely Latvian seatmate and an on-board video selection that included Slap Shot. They almost had to drag me off the plane as I tried to finish off a fourth consecutive viewing.

WORST: #5 — MVP: Most Valuable Primate (2000)

Hard to tell if this debacle is more of a slap in the face to Canadians, the hearing-impaired, or Clyde, the orangutan from Every Which Way But Loose, whose standing as most valuable primate should never be called into question.

WORST: #4 — The Mighty Ducks (film series)

Although I am willing to cut the fourth installment some slack for casting Beverly Hills 90210 alum Ian Ziering as Wild Wing.

WORST: #3 — Youngblood (1986)

I believe the NHLPA got to a point in 2005 where caving in to the NHL's salary cap demands was deemed a small price to pay in order to prevent Versus (now the NBC Sports Network) from running this film three times a week during future lockouts. We all thank you for your sacrifice, gentlemen.

WORST: #2 — Slap Shot 3: The Junior League (2008)

I'm all for the Hansons wringing as much cash out of their legacy as possible, but couldn't they have convinced Todd MacFarlane to put out another series of action figures instead?

WORST: #1 — The Love Guru (2008)

Makes you wish that Myers had grown up a fan of the Blue Jays. If Mystery, Alaska was a love letter, this was like the alcohol-fueled revenge fantasy of a fan who was sick of being mistreated by his team. I am stunned that the league signed off on using their marks for that thing. Did anyone bother to look at the script?