Following Steven Gerrard's shock appointment as first team manager of SPFL club Rangers, 90min have been given exclusive access to the Liverpool legend's diary entries throughout the 2018/19 season.* Below are the entries from August 2018.
*This is a parody
1st August 2018: So I seen I went viral last week. No biggie. It happens all of the time. That skill I pulled off in training was pretty spectacular though it must be said. The way I dummied a volleyed backheel before allowing the ball bounce off the defender and then perfectly into my path: simply glorious.
Sometimes, I even surprise myself.
3rd August 2018: It's just two days until my first ever league game as a professional football manager. I'm feeling good about it - the team is full of great characters and I'm a great manager - so I'm not worried about the game itself. What I am worried about, is how I will manoeuvre around the dugout.
I want to look casual and laid back, but also fiery and passionate because my fans love that side of me.
- Made James Tavernier captain— bet365 (@bet365) August 19, 2018
- Fixed a leaky defense
- Added steel to midfield
- Turned Alfredo Morelos into peak Fernando Torres
- Remained unbeaten through three rounds in Europe, two league games & a Scottish League Cup tie
Steven Gerrard has been in charge for 65 days. pic.twitter.com/fCUt3422aR
I've decided to practice in the living room today. I looked up the measurements of the dugout (on Wikipedia, which is a great website) and put masking tape on the floor to make my own dugout in the living room. It looks great.
There's a few moves I've been working on, they are:
- The point and 'have it!'
- The folded arm 'referee!'
- The smug smirk.
- The double fist pump.
- The single fist pump.
- The knee slide (reserved for last minute winners).
- The Dennis Taylor.
6th August 2018: I absolutely smashed it. Genuinely, I don't think I could've done a better job.
I was in my element out there. I pulled out so many moves I'd been practicing. The point and 'have it!' went done a treat with the fans inside the opening 15 minutes, and that positive reception gave me the confidence to whip out a folded arm 'referee!' and a single fist pump.
It feels great to get that first game out of the way. Now on to the next one!
8th August 2018: Another brilliant joke from me today.
Oviemuno Ejaria was playing brilliantly in training - he must've hit the back of the net at least 52 times - it was truly incredible. After he scored his 46th goal of the day, I said to him: 'Ossie! I'm going to have to learn how to say your name if you keep playing this well'. Everyone laughed. I'm funny.
I'm very excited to go and watch my Liverpool play this weekend. We're playing West Ham at the Mecca, and I expect us to win at least 3-0. I think this is the year we finally do it. We have the best goalkeeper in the world (Alisson), the best midfielder in the world (Naby Keita) and the best footballer in the world (Mohamed Salah). Plus, we have a great net spend.
13th August 2018: What. A. Win.
The boys were brilliant today. Honestly, I can't say enough good words about them; one of the best performances I've seen from any football team this century. I really mean that. They were immense.
It was great being back in Anfield and - as expected - I got a great reception (as per usual).
I think that my presence in the ground probably played a big part in the win actually.
Maybe I'm a good luck charm?
15th August 2018: I literally made Jason Holt, James Tavernier and Andre Halliday LOL in training today.
Alfredo Morelos was practicing penalties, and he couldn't hit the target to save his life. So after he missed one of the pens I said: 'Morelos buddy, the net is over there!' It was so funny. I'm funny.
I'm actually starting to think that I'm not just funny, but professionally funny; funny enough to do stand up. It's something I've always wanted to do, but football always came first. Now that I'm not at Liverpool though, it might be a good time to branch out and give it a go.
I'm going to try and write a few 'bits' (that's what comedians call jokes) over the next few days and maybe go to an open mic night next week.
17th August 2018: I've picked a comedy club that I want to perform in next week, it's called the Rotunda Comedy Club - It looks perfect. they do an open mic night every Thursday. I think I'm going to go next week; I don't have anything else on, so I might as well.
I've already written my set. I wrote it during training yesterday while the lads were playing 'next goal wins'. It took about four hours for someone to finally score, so I had a decent enough amount of time to do it. The goal that won the game was an absolute screamer from Flanno to be fair. I swear, that guy can fairly hit things.
My set is hilarious. I'm going to kill it. Here's a few of my best bits:
- What's black, white and red all over? The Liverpool Echo.
- A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Everton fan walk into a bar. The barman says: 'What is this, some sort of joke!' (This will kill).
- So I was walking down the street the other day when this Everton fan walked up to me and said: 'Excuse me mate, do you know where I can find the nearest fancy dress shop?' I replied: 'Yeah mate it's just over there'. And then I pointed at the Everton official shop across the street!
- How many Everton fans does it take to change a light bulb? 39,000. One to change the lightbulb and 38,999 to celebrate when they win a corner against Liverpool in the derby.
20th August 2018: Another game = another win, and another impressive performance from me on the touchline. I worked every inch of that dugout. I walked from one side to the other with: my hands in my pockets, my arms cross, and - most aptly - my hands outstretched like the messiah.
I. Was. Incredible.
Kilmarnock is a horrible place though, I really didn't enjoy being there. I'm thinking of asking the board if I can just go to the home games. Honestly, I don't see how that would be a problem.
You know - if anything - it might actually be a good thing for us financially. I'm an attraction at the end of the day, and if I'm around less, it'll seem like a bigger deal when I am around.
21st August 2018: I got a surprise call from Kenny Miller today. He asked if he could come back to the club in some capacity. I said that he can come back on one condition: if he tells me what he thinks of my comedy set.
So I invited him to Ibrox and did my set for him. He didn't laugh once. Not once. It was embarrassing.
I told him to never come anywhere near Ibrox stadium ever again, for he is no longer welcome.
24th August 2018: Last night was the big night. The night I was SUPPOSED to make my debut as a professional comedian.
I went to the club wearing a pair of Ray Bans (which I look great in) and a fake moustache. I disguised myself because I decided that it might be best if I am anonymous; just so that the laughs are all authentic and not just because I am the Steven Gerrard.
Before the show was about to start, I was feeling a bit nervous, and decided to go to the bar and get a pint. When I was standing at the bar waiting for my pint, I overheard two cretins talking about football beside me.
One asked the other who was the best Premier League midfielder of all time: Steven Gerrard (me), fat Frank or Paul Scholes. The guy said PAUL SCHOLES. And the guy who asked the question agreed with his answer!
I. Was. Livid.
How can anyone think anyone was ever better than me? It's ridiculous.
I did things that Paul Scholes and fat Frank could only dream of.
Did either of them score a bullet volley against Olympiakos at Anfield? No.
Did either of them score a bullet volley against West Ham United in the last minute of an FA Cup final in 2006? No.
Did either of them single handedly drag Liverpool back from the brink of defeat in the 2005 UEFA Champions League final against AC Milan in Istanbul, before going on to lift the trophy, you know, as the Reds' captain? NO. THEY DID NOT.
In a fit of rage, I turned around to them and screamed: "Paul Scholes had ginger hair and couldn't lace my bloody boots!" Then, I ran out the door.
Now that I think about it, a dingy little pathetic comedy club wasn't a good place for me to start my career as a professional comedian. I started my career as a professional footballer in front of 40,000 adoring fans in the home of world sport. Why should I start my comedy career in front of 25 people in a dark club? It simply doesn't add up. I need to stop underestimating myself.
27th August 2018: Yesterday was exactly what I needed to cheer me up after Thursday's debacle. Another win, and another beautiful performance from me on the touchline.
Next up for us is Celtic and Brendan Rodgers. I can't wait to get one over on that absolute weirdo.