Welcome back to the NFL Quarterback Style Power Rankings, where each week we analyze quarterbacks’ statements. All of them. Figurative ones made with their arms and legs, or their podium clothing and accessories, and actual ones made by their mouth during said podium appearances.
Arbitrary points will be awarded for game performance, postgame demeanor, and overall psycho-spiritual appearance. Bonuses can be collected by subtly incorporating team colors into an outfit, appearing to be a time traveler from either the past or future, actually being a time traveler from either the past or future, and likely having seen the abyss. Points will be deducted for visible #Branding, the presence of pocket squares, workout gear, and/or resembling my middle school boyfriend.
Each week, we’ll feature one quarterback from every NFL division, plus two wild-card selections from each conference, for an even dozen. All decisions and results are cumulative, final, biased, and totally unscientific. Let’s begin!
AFC East: Tyrod Taylor, Buffalo Bills
It was a long week, so you might have missed the big news: When he was a child, Tyrod Taylor once pooped a quarter. He ate it, he digested it (sort of), and he expelled it using the tools God gave him. On Sunday, he threw for 242 yards and three touchdowns in a grim 40–32 loss to the New England Patriots that was preceded by a solid week of heckling by the Bills and the broader #BillsMafia. The Bills' defense, meanwhile, gave up the most passing yards in franchise history. But none of that really matters. Tyrod Taylor once pooped a quarter.
-10: The sound of the air being let out of the #BillsMafia, presumably using the pumps the Bills gift shop started selling this week
+0.25: The intact value of the intact expelled quarter
-0.01: What if it wasn’t fully intact, though??! He didn’t say it was intact.
Week 2 Score: -9.76
AFC North: Johnny Manziel, Cleveland Browns
Week 2 Score: 6
AFC South: Blake Bortles, Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars are 1–1 after a 23–20 victory over the Dolphins. Blake Barry Bortles tossed for 273 yards and two TDs on 33 attempts, and tried mightily to lose in the second half. He did not succeed.
+10: BLAKE BORTLES
-3: Ugh, always with stupid backwards hat
Week 2 Score: 7
AFC West: Derek Carr, Oakland Raiders
Week 2 Score: 8
Wild Card: Marcus Mariota, Tennessee Titans
Marcus Mariota went 21-of-37 for 257 yards a 28–14 loss to the Cleveland Browns, a performance that included an interception and two fumbles, one of which saw Mariota lose his helmet, a shoe, and the ball in one go. “It’s just the way the ball bounces sometimes,” are words he said in his press conference. This is true! Sometimes, it bounces this way. Sometimes, it bounces that way. Usually, it bounces away when it is not being held by a quarterback or receiver. Usually into someone else’s hands. The ball bounces sometimes.
-10: No helmet, no shoes, some problems
-2: Milquetoast blaming of gravity
+3: We will have the helmet-shoe-ball-loss gif forever and ever
Week 2 Score: -9
Wild Card: Ryan Mallett, Houston Texans
Week 2 Score: -2
NFC East: Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys
The main story to come out of the Cowboys’ 20–10 victory over the Eagles was that Tony Romo broke his collarbone ... which is a funny way of saying that the Eagles broke his collarbone for him, as they attempted to grind Romo and all available hopes and dreams pertaining to either team into the turf. This was very successful on all counts. Romo gave his postgame press conference in a sling as a sort of proof of life, but will be out for eight weeks. He was replaced by Brandon Weeden, who in August went on record saying, “God forbid I am forced to play.” He will be forced to play! In future weeks, presumably, we will see the man himself, which is great news for people who like sadness or hate the Cowboys. One of these groups, probably, is bigger than the other.
+5: God has forced it
-7: We have to wait seven whole days for the Weeden press conference
+5: Sorry, Romo
Week 2 Score: 3
NFC North: Jimmy Clausen, Chicago Bears
Week 2 Score: 0
NFC South: Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
American hero Cam Newton had a lovely Sunday. He front-flipped into the end zone for a touchdown. He snuggled with a boom mic. He kept the Panthers undefeated, completing 18 of 37 pass attempts for 195 yards and two touchdowns. He was dapper. He was color-coordinated.
+3: Team color coordination
+4: FRONT-FLIP TOUCHDOWN
+10: FRONT-FLIP TOUCHDOWN WHILE SMILING
Week 2 Score: 17
NFC West: Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are 0–2 since they stopped being able to play Future because of Russell Wilson, who went 19-of-30 for 206 yards. He still cleans up nice, though?
-5: Free Future
Week 2 Score: -2
Wild Card: Sam Bradford, Philadelphia Eagles
Week 2 Score: -24
Wild Card: Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers
Week 2 Score: -10