Thurs. PM Clicks: Trishelle Cannatella; Your Team Won't Win Super Bowl

Thursday P.M. Hot Clicks: lovely lady of the day Trishelle Cannatella; Your Team Won't Win Super Bowl

Author:
Andy Gray
Publish date:
Sep 10, 2015

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Why Your Team Won't Win Super Bowl

Why Your Team Won't Win the Super Bowl

Arizona Cardinals

Why won’t they win? You mean besides the facts they have a quarterback that’s too wobbly, no featured back, wide receivers that are too inconsistent and they’re in a division that boasts three above-average defenses? Is it fair to blame CJ2K, even though he just got to Arizona?

Atlanta Falcons

The Dirty Birds finally moved on from The Mike Smith Project, but this offensive line still ranks among the worst in the league. Luckily, they get to dominate during the week when they face their brutally bad defense in practice.

Baltimore Ravens

The Ray Rice suspension is finally behind them, but so is offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak, who helped Justin Forsett lead the NFL with 5.1 yards per carry last year. New OC Marc Trestman has a rookie tight end, and the Ravens’ top wide receiver is 5-foot-9 and 36 years old — and he wants you to get off his lawn.

Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan takes over the reins in Buffalo, but he inherits a quarterback position that is nearly as bad as the one he had with the Jets. Former Ravens QB Tyrod Taylor might be the short-term answer, but he’s not named Russell Wilson, and running quarterbacks don’t lead teams to Super Bowl wins.

Carolina Panthers

The good news is that the Panthers offense gets to face the Buccaneers, Falcons and Saints defenses twice this year. The bad news is it’ll be without Kelvin Benjamin (torn ACL), which means their No. 1 receiver is a former college tight end (Devin Funchess).

Chicago Bears

Jay Cutler catches a lot of flak for being – well, Jay Cutler. But he’s the Bears’ career passing leader! Unfortunately, he lost Marc Trestman, perennial teammate Brandon Marshall and first-round pick Kevin White is recovering from surgery to repair a stress fracture in his shin. Luckily, the Bears’ horrible defense will get most of the headlines.

Cincinnati Bengals

Both the Bengals defense and Andy Dalton took big steps back last year, which makes us question which versions will show up this year. The Red Rifle’s offense endured a lot of injuries in 2014, but now they have one of the toughest schedules in the NFL.

Cleveland Browns

In 11 of the past 12 seasons, the Browns offense has ranked 24th or worse. But don’t worry – they brought in John DeFilippo as their new offensive coordinator. Then again, he’s the sixth Browns offensive coordinator to hold that title over the past six years. Just one away from being the Lucky No. 7!

Dallas Cowboys

Sure, the Cowboys have the best offensive line in the NFL, but they lost the NFL’s leading rusher in DeMarco Murray, and they replaced him on their roster with the NFL’s leading limper (Darren McFadden).

Denver Broncos

John Fox and offensive coordinator Adam Gase have moved on, but the Broncos still have Peyton Manning under center. Sadly, new head coach Gary Kubiak prefers a ground-control offense, which tends to lean on the running game more. Quick, someone strap that plow to that old racehorse’s back!

Detroit Lions

Ameer Abdullah is getting high praise from prospective fantasy football owners, but then again, so did Jahvid Best and pretty much every rookie Lions running back not named Barry or Billy. They also lost the heart of their defense when DT Ndamukong Suh signed with the Dolphins. Nick Fairley and C.J. Mosley are also gone, leaving Haloti Ngata an even bigger hole to fill.

Green Bay Packers

Within about a week, the Packers’ high-powered offense suffered greatly as Jordy Nelson hurt his knee and Randall Cobb hurt his shoulder. Nelson’s out for the season, and while Cobb should be fine, and Davante Adams is ready to step up, that loss is too big to overcome. Nelson averaged just under 11 touchdown catches per season over the past four years

Houston Texans

Head coach Bill O’Brien might act and sound like this generation’s Bill Parcells, but he’ll have to get these Texans into the playoffs before that can be a serious statement. HBO’s “Hard Knocks” has given us some great stories to follow, but Brian Hoyer and Alfred Blue aren’t what you want to hitch your wagons to offensively.

Indianapolis Colts

Former University of Miami assistant coach Chuck Pagano turned Lucas Oil Stadium into the new Orange Bowl this summer, after bringing in former Canes Frank Gore, Andre Johnson and rookie Phillip Dorsett. If only some of those guys played defense …

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars offensive line allowed a league-high 71 sacks last season – 13 more sacks than any other team. Some opposing waterboys were even able to pad their sacks stats. Speaking of sacks – they won’t be getting any from No. 3 overall pick DE Dante Fowler, as he blew his knee out in his very first Jaguars practice.

Kansas City Chiefs

Sure, Jeremy Maclin should solve that pesky problem of the Chiefs not getting any touchdowns from wide receivers last year, but he might have to do it on a lot of long crossing routes, working with Captain Checkdown Alex Smith. The Chiefs’ four passes of 35 yards or more last year gives them a better shot at an Arena Bowl win than a Super Bowl win this year.

Miami Dolphins

The defense gets a shot in the arm, with DT Ndamukong Suh stuffing runners in the middle. But offensively, the Dolphins are resting all of their passing hopes on two very young receivers -- a sophomore (Jarvis Landry) that averaged just 9.0 yards per catch, and a rookie (DeVante Parker), who’s coming off of foot surgery. What could go wrong!?!

Minnesota Vikings

Mix an angry 30-year-old running back, coming of an insane 15-game suspension, with a 22-year-old quarterback and a forever-grumpy wide receiver and you have the basis for an episode of “Ballers” – not a Super Bowl champion. Bridgewater would have to break Big Ben’s record for being the youngest QB to ever win the Super Bowl.

New England Patriots

Tom Brady won’t be suspended, but now we all know – he can’t win without deflated balls or bad Pete Carroll play calling. OK, he probably can … multiple titles, too. But this defense can’t win a Super Bowl without DT Vince Wilfork. And whatever happened to those studly young wide receivers that were impressing us a few years ago: Kenbrell Thompkins, Aaron Dobson (pictured) and Josh Boyce?

New Orleans Saints

The offense is moving away from the dominant passing game, much like the Broncos, but is that a good thing? Drew Brees lost his woobie security blanket, after the Saints traded Jimmy Graham to Seattle for Max Unger and a pick. So he’ll be able to stand up longer – but he loses his primary red-zone target.

New York Giants

For the start of the 2014 season, Eli Manning only had Victor Cruz, sophomore Rueben Randle and two bad-hands running backs in Rashad Jennings and Andre Williams to throw to, with Hakeem Nicks and Brandon Myers gone. Then Odell Beckham Jr. got healthy, and Larry Donnell emerged as a decent tight end. Once Cruz (knee) is healthy, Manning will have a ton of pass-catching tools, including tailback Shane Vereen. They’ll need to score a lot – in order to make up for a Giants defense that gave up the fourth-most yards from scrimmage last year.

New York Jets

Former Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles takes over for Rex Ryan, but it’s going to be a while before the old gets washed out by the new. Starting quarterback Geno Smith punched a guy in the fist with his jaw in training camp, and he’s out for about the first quarter of the season with said broken jaw. The more things change for the Jets, the more they stay the same.

Oakland Raiders

Not since the days of Rich Gannon has the Raiders offense been consistently good, and while sophomore Derek Carr is expected to make strides, there’s no Silver & Black Super Bowl coming this season. Latavius Murray has to stay healthy, and Amari Cooper has to develop quickly just for them to sniff a .500 season. Let’s tap the brakes on the Aikman-Emmitt-Irvin comparisons for now.

Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles have a mad genius at the helm in Head Coach Chip Kelly, but they also have new starters at quarterback, running back and wide receiver. Take THAT continuity! What are the odds that QB Sam Bradford invents a new ligament to tear in his knee, just to spite fantasy owners?

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers currently own the best running back and wide receiver in fantasy football. But Le’Veon Bell is suspended for a couple games to start the season – and their second-best WR (Martavis Bryant) is suspended for the first four games. Considering only a few teams allowed more passing touchdowns than the Steelers defense (30) last year, head coach Mike Tomlin might wish his defense gets suspended for a few games, too.

San Diego Chargers

San Diego is ready for Melvin Gordon III to recharge this rushing offense now that Ryan Mathews has moved on to Philadelphia. The defense and the road-grading running back from Wisconsin should provide solid production, but the passing game needs some help, especially with Antonio Gates suspended for four games. That’s asking an awful lot from MGIII.

San Francisco 49ers

The Jim Harbaugh Era is over in San Francisco, and things look like they’re going to get a lot worse before they get better by the Bay. It seems like every week, another horrible piece of news comes out that knocks this 49ers defense down another notch.

Seattle Seahawks

One bad playcall away from back-to-back Super Bowl titles, the Seahawks are hellbent on erasing that memory in 2015. Unfortunately, their window is closing, as Marshawn Lynch is fourth among active leaders in career carries. Jimmy Graham is certainly a great add, and this defense is among the best, but … What was the question? Oh yeah, they won’t win the Super Bowl this year because Russell Wilson finally got paid! … and he has two last names. That’s never good.

St. Louis Rams

It’s never a good sign when four of a team’s nine draft picks are spent on offensive linemen – at least that’s not a good sign for the immediate future. Rookie Todd Gurley (knee) might want to wait just a little longer before making his NFL debut, giving this O-line a chance to develop some chemistry.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

No doubt, this offense will be more dynamic with No. 1 overall pick Jameis Winston under center. But the Buccaneers offensive line allowed 3.25 sacks per game last season (30th in the NFL), and then starting right tackle Demar Dotson suffered a sprained MCL early in the preseason.

Tennessee Titans

Will Marcus Mariota be this year’s version of Bishop Sankey: Someone everyone loves -- until Week 2? From Sankey to Justin Hunter, this offense is full of disappointments, and the defense might be even worse. The offense and defense ranked among the worst three teams in points scored and points allowed last year.

Washington Redskins

The RGIII experiment has officially ended – until Kirk Cousins gets hurt. But for now, Cousins takes over under center, Alfred Morris continues to defy logic, and the Redskins defense hopes to not be one of the most-penalized units for the second year in a row. Rather than wondering why Washington won’t win the Super Bowl this season, Redskins fans should start worrying about hearing the phrase, “The Redskins are on the clock” come January.

(Click here for full-size gallery.)

LOL Rex Ryan

The North Shore Animal League America is proud to have Rex Ryan as one of its biggest supporters. Unfortunately, a harmless social media message promoting Ryan's involvement was ruined by a framed photo of his wife's bare feet. That being said, please donate to North Shore. It is a great organization, and the shelter where I got my dog Larry.

Tom Brady Middle School

Seeing that Tom Brady is the most popular person in Massachusetts, it was only a matter of time before he got his own school. Granted it's only temporary, but you tell me what has a better ring: "My child attends Forest Park Middle School" or "My child attends Tom Brady Middle School?"

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End of the World As We Know It

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Bonus R.E.M.

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Click here for previous versions of Hot Clicks, and visit our Extra Mustard Page throughout each day for more offbeat sports stories and the latest Cheerleader of the Week gallery. Also check out the SwimDaily Page for the latest updates and instagram pictures of models who have appeared in our issues.