When Kobe Bryant announced he was retiring in November of last year, fans were not only surprised that he was hanging up his sneakers, but that he chose to reveal his decision in a poem directed at the game of basketball. With Peyton Manning announcing his retirement from the NFL, Extra Mustard wondered what it would look like if he, too, wrote a farewell poem to football. This is what we came up with.
From the moment
I started rolling my dad’s tube socks
And throwing them in Eli’s face
I knew one thing:
I wanted to use football to become a successful commercial actor.
Along the way I fell in love with you
And also with delicious Papa Johns Pizza,
and Nationwide Insurance.
I played on fields from Louisiana,
To Tennessee, to Indiana,
Knowing all my losses to Tom Brady
Would one day mean I could
Be in a Gatorade commercial.
The two Super Bowls
And countless passing records,
Have helped to pass the time
In between Mastercard commercials.
My mind is telling me no,
But my body is telling me:
to retire with some ice cold refreshing Budweisers.
And so I will ride off into the sunset,
with the Lombardi Trophy
in the passenger seat of my beautifully appointed Buick.