Wednesday November 28th, 2007

If some of college football's recently "relocated" coaches ran into each other at the airport:

Houston Nutt: Ed, is that you? Ed Orgeron? What on earth are you doing in handcuffs? [To TSA agent:] Why is this man in custody?

Agent: He became belligerent when one of the flight attendants offered him a pillow -- started shouting "Everyone's a comedian!" when the poor man was only trying to do his job. He seems to have cooled off, so we're going to release him. [To Orgeron:] Here's your shirt back, sir.

Nutt: Fancy meeting you here, Ed. Wow, this is really awkward, but I'm actually headed to Oxford. Would you mind if I park in your space?

Orgeron: Not at all, Houston. [Rubbing his wrists:] Ahh, that feels better. You know, that whole mess with the missing pillows and clock radios -- it never woulda gone public if some of those newspaper snoops didn't request a bunch of e-mails between the hotel and Ole Miss. Turns out they're allowed to do that under something called the FOIA. That's the Freedom of Inform--"

Nutt: I'm familiar with it, Ed. [Changing the subject:] So, what's next for you? You think they may take you back at USC? Team hasn't been the same since you left, has it? It's a little sad, actually.

Orgeron: I'll tell you what's sad, Coach Nutt -- them beatin' y'all by a combined score of 120-31 in 2005 and '06. Anyway, if I pay 'em a visit, I'll be sure to tell Mitch Mustain you said hello.

Nutt: No need to get angry, Coach O. I'm just trying to make small talk here. Anyway, I'm sorry they had to let you go. I know those fans were a little rough on you.

Orgeron: They had a field day with my emotional swings, and the way I enunciate. What can I say? I'm an emotional guy. Gotta be ya'self, right? What player wants to go to battle for some coach with all the fire of that mannequin over there?

Nutt: That's not a mannequin, you imbecile, it's Chan Gailey. [To Gailey:] Chan! What a coincidence! I was just consoling Coach O, so let me do the same for you. I'm sure you won't be looking for work long.

Orgeron: Keep your chin up, Chan. Hell, I couldn't beat Georgia, either. You'll get hired in no time. Hey -- look what the cat dragged in. Coach Fran!

Dennis Franchione: I wouldn't waste too much sympathy on Coach Gailey, Ed. He is leaving with a $4 million buyout. [To Gailey:] Takes a little of the sting out of it, wouldn't you say? [They high-five.] Speaking of pricey buyouts, look who I ran into at Starbucks!

Bill Callahan: Heck, I'm only getting $3.1 mill -- that's chump change compared to you guys. I'd say you gigged those ol' boys pretty good, Coach Fran.

Franchione: Amazing how fast things can go sour, isn't it? Was it only three years ago you guys drew 61,000 fans to the Nebraska spring game? That's about how many yards your defense gave up in November, isn't it? No offense, of course.

Callahan: None taken, Dennis. And congratulations, by the way, on that win over the Longhorns. It's even more impressive considering that you guys must've been banged up pretty good. Of course it's been hard to tell how banged up, since they made you stop publishing that newsletter.

Franchione: That's a low blow, Bill. I was just trying to bring a little extra cash to pay for my website, which they made me shut down. That happened right around the time you were dropping your third straight Big 12 game, then had the chutzpah to tell the media, "I've done an excellent job." Reminded me of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. [He pantomimes driving a car in a circle.] "I'm an excellent driver!"

Callahan: Good one, Fran. That's almost as funny as your game plan against Miami last September.

Nutt: You guys might want to think about lowering your voices. We're starting to attract attention.

A small crowd has gathered. A businessman pulling a wheelie slows as he passes. After surveying the gathering, he poses a question:

"Shouldn't Charlie Weis be here?" (Send comments to

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