The Climate is a look at what's good and what's not so good in the world of sports. After comparing the column to the almighty ShamWow last Monday, ShamWow owner and pitchman extraordinaire Vince Shlomi was arrested for allegedly punching a prostitute repeatedly to get her to stop biting his tongue. This, of course, is a sign that I now have the power to make or break anyone in the public eye, not unlike a young Quincy Jones or Worldwide Wes. If there's anyone you would specifically like to see me wield my considerable power over, don't hesitate to email firstname.lastname@example.org with suggestions.
Hank Haney: The decorated swing coach somehow has Charles Barkley on the road to an above-average golf swing after four episodes of the new Golf Channel show, The Haney Project, proving once and for all that Hank Haney should be put in charge of healing the economy, discovering alternative fuels, and replacing the fourth Idol judge. Also, he got Tiger to somehow make a big putt, so there's that separate miracle too.
The Bronx: The Bronx is one of the boroughs of New York City. If you're from the Bronx and happen to find yourself playing in an Elite 8 game against Missouri, fear not, you'll be able to use that New York City toughness in droves -- just ask Kemba Walker. If that's not enough, just bring up the subject to Jay Bilas, I'm sure he'll figure out a way to talk about the Bronx's Kemba Walker and his New York City toughness. Because there's no toughness like New York City toughness. Nope. Kemba Walker's from the Bronx. Toughness.
Mark Hebert and Alan Cutler: How can you not enjoy a couple of reporters trying to hunt downBilly Gillispie in Lexington as if he were some sort of helpless antelope on the Serengeti? It takes a special breed of reporter to shed all traces of professionalism in order to track down a guy who just got fired for simply not being as good as some of the best college basketball coaches of all time. Surely, Carl Monday is smiling approvingly.
University of Findlay: The school whose name sounds like some sort of sexy Web site to find, uh, professionals, won the Men's Division II Basketball Championship, thanks to a buzzer-beater three from Tyler Evans. This, naturally, is great news for all of us hoping that the basketball team would finally step out of the considerable shadow that we all know the equestrian team (both English and Western style) produces year in and year out. In all seriousness, though, those are some big friggin' onions.
The Guitar Hero Metallica Commercial: There are a lot of great layers to this commercial (as there should be, since the coaches didn't even shoot it together), but clearly the top three questions that arise after viewing the spot a few times are:
1. Why does Rick Pitino need an entire drum kit to hide whatever it is that's under there?2. With those sliding skills, could Bobby Knight win a round at the French Open over an anonymous Slovakian?3. Has there been four people who look more collectively uncomfortable trying to be loose and have fun?
I'm afraid that, just like Stonehenge or crop circles, we may never, ever know. Sad.
Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer: Ah spring, that special time of year when flowers begin to bloom, the chirping of birds fills the air, and Florida's quarterback and head coach catch the sparkle in each others eyes, sending their hearts aflutter. Since winning the championship, they seemed to have missed each other so damn much, missed being with each other, being near each other, missed each other's laugh, scent, and musk. When it all gets sorted out, hopefully they can get an apartment together.
University of Kentucky: After the school swiftly axed Billy Gillispie, it's clear that the school expects nothing but success at the absolute highest level of college basketball and will settle for nothing but the best. Although it seems like all of the country's top coaches are pretty settled into their gigs and Kentucky may be shooting too high for a job with so much pressure, there's no way the 'Cats should settle for anything less than John Wooden. The man just wants a chance to prove that Westwood was no fluke.
The NCAA Selection Committee: Hindsight is always 20/20, but really guys? Arizona? It's not the Wildcats' fault that they're probably 20-40 points worse than Louisville, but it's completely the fault of the committee for giving us that trainwreck of a game.
BCS in Congress: At this point, isn't bringing the BCS issue to Congress sort of like bringing your mess of a car to the producers of Pimp my Ride? Sure, through a lot of work you may get a new paint job, DVD player, and an exercise wheel for your hamster in the bed, but in the end, you're really still driving an '81 Datsun pickup.
Alyssa Milano: Since nobody cares anymore about Alyssa Milano as an actress anymore, she apparently has concluded that we should all care that she's a big enough baseball fan to write a book about herself going to games, sell sports-related clothing to women, and seduce at least three pitchers that have subsequently hit a major wall in their careers after dating her. That said, if you're reading this Alyssa, I did recently hit 53 on the gun. Straight heat.
Dan Rubenstein hosts and produces the SI Tour Guy video series for SI.com and co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast with SI.com's Ty Hildenbrandt.
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