According to my sources, LeBron James will sign with ...
According to my source,
"He's going to California," my source told me. "He wants to compete head-to-head with
My source is a mole. Literally. He's a brownish oval, roughly one half-inch in diameter, located on the right side of my stomach. I've been itching to have him removed, but my dermatologist says there's no good reason. Hence, he stays.
Last night, probably around 11:30, the mole -- much like Charlotte the magical spider -- talked to me in my sleep. He told me LeBron is headed for L.A.,
I am breaking this remarkable news because, well, why the heck not? In 2010, this is what some in the sports media business specialize in. Forget actual reporting. Forget actual digging. Forget carving out a story, working the phones, cultivating sources and waiting -- as long as one possibly must -- for the information to be proven irrefutably correct. Nowadays, with an infinite amount of Internet space and air time waiting to be filled, with eight million media outlets fighting for the right to boastfully utter, "Breaking News! We are the first to report that ...," with pressure from bosses who don't understand -- and don't care to understand -- the intricacies of righteous journalism ... well, nowadays everything is messed up.
The frantic race to break any LeBron-Wade-Bosh news has rendered many in the media pathetic. First, because our lives have been reduced to chasing around a bunch of obscenely wealthy youngsters as they decide which team will pay them millions to them toss a round ball through a piece of mesh. Second, because we have abandoned our principles.
Back when I was studying journalism at the University of Delaware in the mid-1990s,
Look at us now. Just as it was with
Talking Head One: "So, gut feeling, where do you think LeBron winds up?"
Talking Head Two: "Well, I haven't talked to LeBron. Or anyone close to LeBron. But I once had a very brief conversation with
Talking Head Three: "I agree. I was in Cleveland two weeks ago, and according to my sources -- LeBron likes pierogi."
Talking Head One: "I've heard that, too."
Talking Head Two: "Me, too."
Talking Head Three: "They are delicious."
My favorite insight from the past week was supplied by
So, Stephen A., you're confirming the story, right? The three are going to Miami?
"I believe it's highly likely," he said. "I would never say anything is a done deal with LeBron James until it's signed."
The truth is, nobody -- probably not even the players -- knows what's about to go down here. Which is fine. Because there are other things happening in the world -- oil spills and Supreme Court nominations, the rise of
I'm sorry, but I have to interrupt this column for breaking news. According to my mole, Chris Bosh just drank a Diet Coke.