So, the most amazing thing happened to me the other day. Josh Hamilton asked me to be his agent. I know this seems odd, since I'm not an agent, I have no baseball experience, I have a terrible poker face, I don't even play poker, and I routinely fold when my 6-year-old asks for another cookie. You might even think hiring me is just another bad decision for Hamilton in a life of too many bad decisions, to which I say: Hey, lay off my client.
Now, I'm sure you can see why your team should sign my client. Mr. Hamilton is a special talent, a TRANSCENDENT ballplayer who will play the 2013 season at age 31 ...
He turns 32 in May.
Yes, well, by that time he will be well on his way to another of his five Most Valuable Player awards.
He has won ONE Most Valuable Player award.
I'm projecting. Look at my client's career numbers. They practically jump off the page of this binder I have prepared for you.
Are there women in that binder?
Don't believe everything you read on Deadspin. So anyway, this binder fully details why my client is a Hall of Famer. Don't you want your team's hat on his plaque? He is a career .304 hitter, one point better than Pete Rose, and Rose was the Hit King! He has a career on-base percentage of .363, a slugging percentage of .549 ...
Those numbers are skewed by playing so many games at the Bandbox at Arlington. Look at his career road numbers: .292 average, .354 on-base percentage, .504 slugging percentage. That is a big difference, especially in slugging percentage.
But those are still excellent numbers, especially since my client also plays centerfield, a premium defensive position. He bats lefty, which brings balance to the middle of your lineup, day after day after day.
You're assuming he will be healthy enough to play three days in a row. History tells us otherwise.
Nonsense! Mr. Hamilton played 148 games last year, more than that kid Mike Trout!
Trout wasn't even in the majors until the end of April!
Please don't interrupt me. My client is healthy and ready to lead your team.
What about all the damage he did to his body when he was using drugs?
At least he wasn't playing baseball. His baseball muscles are young. I have another binder here explaining that. You can easily expect my client to be productive until the very end of this six-year contract.
SIX YEARS? Only a fool would go past three years on this contract. It's understood: three years, $40 million, maybe a bit higher, but nobody is going to four years.
Wait, hang on ...
(Turns away, holds cell phone to ear, covers mouth.)
Yup! I have a four-year deal. A VERY ATTRACTIVE four-year deal from a mystery team. The general manager of this mystery team asked me not to name his organization, and I will respect that because I believe in honesty and integrity. But between us, I can tell you this mystery team is in one of baseball's 27 major markets.
You can see why the mystery team is so interested. My client is not just a Hall of Fame talent. He is a proven winner. He led the Rangers to two World Series. Pudge Rodriguez couldn't do that. Neither could Juan Gonzalez, Rafael Palmeiro or Nolan Ryan.
If he is such a winner, why did he drop an easy fly ball against the A's with the season on the line?
He lost it in the glare of his own awesomeness. It happens. Ted Williams did the same thing once in a crucial late-season game against the Yankees, as far as you know. Anyway, I have this VERY ATTRACTIVE four-year offer for my client.
OK, OK. I will go to four years.
I already have a four-year offer. If you want him, you have to go to five.
Five years? Does that include random drug testing?
Yes, of course you can test Mr. Hamilton.
No, I want to test YOU.
Look: I will admit that the five-year, $100 million deal we are currently discussing seems a bit steep. But Albert Pujols got $254 million. Prince Fielder got $214 million. Compared to those guys, Mr. Hamilton is a bargain.
But those contracts are insane.
That is neither here nor there. By the way, I'm sure you understand that when you sign Mr. Hamilton, you are getting more than the best player in baseball. You are getting an American legend, a story that will inspire your fan base. I'm sure your marketing people are aware that your franchise finished dead last in popularity in a recent survey of recovering drug addicts. Mr. Hamilton will change that instantly. That alone is worth a fifth year on a deal.
You want me to pay him extra so we can sell tickets to recovering drug addicts? That is crass.
Don't be insensitive. Recovering drug addicts are people like anybody else, and that means you can pander to them to make money. Your city will love Josh Hamilton. He is the missing piece.
I will think about it. But five years is a huge commitment.
Your fans are lucky to have an owner as committed as yourself. Now, about that sixth year ...