By Andrew Doughty
October 04, 2014

There are times when going to the movies can feel like a bad case of déjà vu. RoboCopAnnie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Godzilla. What's with all the reboots? To paraphrase a movie that was based on a book, everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We can't change Hollywood. But if they're going to keep remaking movies, we have some great ideas for movie reboots starring professional athletes. Hear us out, Mr. Bruckheimer!

The Sandlot

Lindsay Applebaum

The Sandlot remains on the best sports movies of all-time with an incredible ensemble cast, epic storyline and a hefty dose of quirky idiosyncrasies. While it might be difficult to pay appropriate homage to the amusing and debacle-filled 1993 film with a remake using MLB players, the likes of Mike Trout (Benny), Felix Hernandez (Kenny) and Hunter Pence (Yeah-Yeah) could surely produce a marvelous combination of humor, quick wit, admirable grit and many wins on the baseball diamond.

In addition to that trio, the additional delicate roles should be cast by Brian Dozier (Smalls), Bengie Molina (Ham), Dustin Pedroia (Squints), Todd Helton (Bertram Grover Weeks) and Sandy and Roberto Alomar as the Timmons brothers.

Scotty “Smalls”: Brian Dozier

Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez: Mike Trout

Hamilton “Ham” Porter: Bengie Molina

Michael “Squints” Palledorous: Dustin Pedroia

Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan: Hunter Pence

Kenny DeNunez: Felix Hernandez

Bertram Grover Weeks: Todd Helton

Timmy & Tommy Timmons: Sandy & Roberto Alomar

The Hunger Games

Lindsay Applebaum

The bizarrely enticing world of Panem, a fictional country depicted in The Hunger Games, has a firm grasp on the attention of obsessed fans worldwide. The slew of unforgiving environments, unpredictable quips and curiously likeable personalities would be a perfect setting for that of Ronda Rousey and Rory McIlroy. Rousey maintains Katniss Everdeen’s bada** nature while remaining a tantalizing unobtainable object of success. McIlroy will brilliantly star as Peeta Mellark, playing the crowd-pleasing comfortable role as a composed and responsible, yet clever, gentleman.

Katniss Everdeen: Ronda Rousey

Peeta Mellark: Rory McIlroy

The Hangover

Lindsay Applebaum

Despite a couple lackluster sequels, The Hangover remains one of the funniest movies of the 21st century largely to unbelievable writing, hilarious character development and a bevy of inappropriate one-liners. If Director Todd Phillips were to remake the first installment of the trilogy, he might look to Brian Wilson, Peyton Manning and Rob Gronkowski to fill the roles of Alan, Stu and Phil, respectively.

Wilson’s subtle demeanor and resemblance to the character that captured the soft hearts of Americans is perfectly combined with the mild-mannered, yet comical personality, of Manning and Gronk’s eagerness to try just about anything.

Alan: Brian Wilson

Stu: Peyton Manning

Phil: Rob Gronkowski


Lindsay Applebaum

Her is a star-studded Spike Jonze-directed drama loaded with talent including Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams and Chris Pratt, but the only person that matters is the man played by Joaquin Phoenix: Theodore. The lonely, soon-to-be divorced and uncomfortably awkward Theodore falls in love with Samantha, but this beautiful lady has one defining attribute that only one athlete can relate to: She’s not real.

Manti Te’o will play the role of Theodore as he professes his love to a fake being, one that does not exist in life’s truest form, one that does not have real feelings or real hair, and one that catapulted the current Chargers and former Notre Dame linebacker into an inescapable fury of judgment. Scarlet Johansson will still play Samantha because Scarjo.

Theodore: Manti Te’o

Road Trip

Lindsay Applebaum

In many ways, the movie Road Trip helped launch the barrage of new wave comedy movies in the late 20th and early 21st century. The uproarious film in which Josh Parker (Johnny Manziel) dashes to Austin, Massachusetts…Boston, Texas….wait….Austin, Texas to recover a sex tape alongside a perfectly blended entourage of college buddies, ones that should be played by Jordin Tootoo (E.L.), Joakim Noah (Rubin) and Tim Kurkjian (Kyle).

The bizarre snake-obsessed Barry Manilow character is given to the always-entertaining and very eccentric Metta World Peace while the lovely beauties of Maria Sharapova and Anastasia Ashley occupy the roles of Tiffany and Beth, respectively.

Josh Parker: Johnny Manziel

E.L.: Jordin Tootoo

Beth Wagner: Anastasia Ashley

Rubin Carver: Joakim Noah

Kyle Edwards: Tim Kurkjian

Barry Manilow: Metta World Peace

Tiffany Henderson: Maria Sharapova

Andrew Doughty is a writer for Next Impulse Sports

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