When you go to a sporting event, you're bound to hear at least one chant. Chants are the only method we, the crowd, have devised to directly interact with the games we love. We cannot run onto the field, we cannot speak directly with the athletes, but we certainly can chant. It’s the coordination of several thousand people to make a very basic, easy-to-understand point. In war, in peace, and in completely inconsequential stuff like sports, we always need to be heard.
But here’s the thing - not all sports chants are created equal. Some are these momentous, stone-cold traditions that lift everyone up simply through participation. Others are a flaccid waste of time that make the human experience just a little bit worse. You know who you are, and if you don’t, you’re about to find out. We present the official, no-holds-barred, Extra Mustard sports chants power rankings.
16. “Here we go, [team name], here we go! *clap clap*
The literal worst. I’ve heard nursery rhymes more motivational. Specifically reserved for grandmas and people who don’t actually like sports.
15. *sad trumpet* “CHARGE!” *slightly bolder sad trumpet* “CHARGE!”
Um, it’s the 6th inning of a 3-2 baseball game. I can think of nothing less equivalent to the Napoleonic wars than that.
14. “Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!”
Want to know how stupid this is? Try typing out “Ole! Ole! Ole Ole! Ole! Ole!” without feeling like an idiot.
13. “S-E-C, S-E-C!”
Maybe it’s my coastal upbringing but I feel legitimate sadness when I hear the “S-E-C” chant. It seriously sounds like succession.
12. Tomahawk Chop
Forget all the racial overtones, is there anything that sounds lazier than the Tomahawk Chop? It’s the audio equivalent of sinking deeper and deeper into a couch.
11. “Seven Nation Army”
Not intrinsically bad but inherently cheapened do to association of Miami Heat home games. Only a franchise that retired Michael Jordan’s number would co-opt the most obvious song from a Detroit rock band.
10. “MVP! MVP!”
A fine chant that’s been entirely ruined by Lakers fans.
9. “GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED”
Look, we get it. You're drunk. You don't need to hammer the point home.
8. “5! 4! 3! 2! 1!”
Okay yes, you’re right. The shot clock is winding down. You realize that it refreshes every position and is one of the least dramatic mechanics in sports right? Like I know, the number is going down, but that doesn’t always mean that it... oh whatever, do what you want.
7. Any chant that is literally just spelling the team name.
Three words with the power to make a good wrestling match feel like a great one.
5. "I believe that we will win."
This chant is like 40% of the reason that Americans got so into the world cup this year. And frankly, if it's good enough for Whoopi, it's good enough for me.