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It’s Jonathan Papelbon’s birthday, so here are some suggestions if you’re looking to buy him a gift. 

By Extra Mustard
November 23, 2015

Washington Nationals pitcher Jonathan Papelbon turns 35 Monday. 

It seems like just yesterday a fresh-faced Papelbon was bursting onto the scene with the Boston Red Sox, but it’s now been over 10 years since Papelbon made his major league debut.

Since then, we’ve seen numerous cup adjustments, a few tirades and many, many intense displays of emotion. How do you celebrate a birthday for someone like Papelbon? Extra Mustard has put together a little gift guide of items we think he would love. 

Leather Gloves

Dear Jon,

Heard these gloves have great grip, and won’t leave behind fingerprints.

A Stress Ball

Dear Jon,

Looks like you may want something to hold on to when leaving the mound after a tough outing. This could help the next time you blow a save.

A Dart Board with Bryce Harper’s Face On It

Dear Jon,

You seem to take a lot of league-mandated unpaid vacations during the year, so we figured we’d get you something to help you pass the time. It’ll keep that arm loose, and improve your fastball command.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Hey Jon,

This seems to be a, uh, popular book. No pictures but it could maybe be an interesting read.

A Self-Adjusting Jockstrap

Hey Jon,

Folks seem to take your jockstrap adjustments the wrong way. We got you a new one, so hopefully you won’t have to spend too much time moving it around during games. We can avoid all future misunderstandings this way.

An Olive Garden gift card
Dear Jon,

Treat your teammates to some breadsticks and fettucine alfredo to help build team chemistry. We got you enough money to feed 38 players, because we figured you wouldn’t want to invite Bryce or Drew Storen.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on DVD

Hey Jon,

Thought this would remind you of a better time. Even if that time still wasn’t really that great.

Sleepytime Tea

Hey Jon,

It seems the media has an affection for Bryce Harper. When you’re watching television before bedtime, it might be a good idea to brew some soothing herbal tea. You’ll need it when they discuss his future MVP candidacy.


- Rohan Nadkarni, Kenny Ducey, Brendan Maloy and Dan Gartland

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