We created a Bachelorette cast full of athletes

Just imagine Russell Westbrook and Rob Gronkowski in a rose ceremony.

Author:
Xandria James and Rohan Nadkarni
Publish date:
May 19, 2016

The latest season of The Bachelorette kicks off Monday night, when JoJo Fletcher will start navigating through a field of heartthrobs and camera hogs with hopes of finding true love.

We here at Extra Mustard can’t wait for the new season, which promises to bring ill-fated trips to the fantasy suite, a fresh round of hometown visits and all sorts of Bachelorette drama. Our interest was especially piqued when we found out Jordan Rodgers—brother of Green Bay Packers star Aaron—would be appearing on the show.

That got us thinking—who are some athletes that would make great Bachelorette contestants? Here’s the list we came up with, taking into account that everyone we selected has to fulfill all the common Bach contestant tropes (jobless, emotional, bad boy—you get the point).

Introducing Extra Mustard’s All-Star Bachelorette Cast:

Russell Westbrook

If this guy could have brought a team of stylist to the mansion with him, he would have. He spends more time getting ready for his one-on-one date than the bachelorette and has two outfits picked out for every possible occasion, you know, just in case.

Ndamukong Suh

Someone who plays by the rules only when he wants to. This show may be his last chance at love because no one has been able to tame him yet.

D’Angelo Russell

Watch what you say around this one. He is always telling the bachelorette that the other guys "aren't here for the right reasons." He'll spill your baggage in a heartbeat to try to get you kicked off the show.

Rob Gronkowski

Did this guy even pack a shirt? In all of the footage shown of him he's doing pushups by the pool, flexing way too hard or trying to tell the other guys about his workout routine.

Elvis Andrus and Adrian Beltre

Forget love, these guys just want to dance. From the first episode on, all they want to do is hang out with each other. You can usually find them in the background of the action, giggling about some inside joke.

Russell Wilson

Unfortunately, this man is a total push-over. He’s perfectly content to let the Bachelorette walk all over him even though she’s clearly interested in the other men. He’s willing to stay up all night to help one of the contestants do well on his date, even if it’s to his own detriment.

Tony Romo

This guy is really afraid to get back out onto the dating scene because "he's been hurt before." He'll eventually open up to the bachelorette, but he'll get his heart broken again anyway.

Sam Hinkie

The guy who quits in the middle of the show because he believes in more new-age methods in how to find his true love. He’s willing to have failed relationship after failed relationship until he finally finds the one, even if it means years of short, awkward and painful relationships.

Phil Jackson

Someone who keeps asking you to read the book he’s carrying around so you can understand his philosophy on life. In an extremely annoying way, he never gets angry, and instead forces you to sit and meditate as opposed to engaging in an argument.

Chandler Parsons

Thought he signed up to be on Real World. He almost always has a drink in his hand and treats every night in the mansion like it's "guys night out."

The Undertaker

Walks out of the limo on night one wearing colored contacts and surrounded by large puffs of smoke. Believes he has a special connection with the dead. He needs to focus more on the task at hand and less on his aesthetic.

Adam Morrison

Doesn't get enough one-on-one time with the bachelorette? Cries. Talks about his past relationships? Cries. Doesn’t get a rose? Producers send him packing with a box of tissues.

Noah Syndergaard

The man who spends more time fixing his hair than every other contestant combined. He freaks out before every date because he’s worried one strand of hair isn’t in place. Arrives at the house with a suitcase filled with varying pomades.

Tim Tebow

This “free spirit” doesn't like job labels (or income). He's an “entrepreneur” who has many “passions” and “knows he'll be successful one day.”

LeBron James

Has all the tools to be a winner. In a normal year, he probably wins with ease. Unfortunately, there’s just someone who’s better than him, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Stephen Curry

The cream of the crop. You see his charming smile for the first time and you know he’s a force to be reckoned with. Don’t be fooled by his soft side—he has a killer instinct.