Tell me how my brand taste.

By Jeremy Woo
July 28, 2017

Today’s Friday news dump turned out to be extremely code-red: Shaquille O’Neal released a diss track aimed directly at LaVar Ball.

Earlier this week, Shaq got mad and called himself the original Big Baller. Or something.

Shaq, who has been known to have relatively creative bars at times, did a pretty solid job with this, all things considered, particularly given the fact that you’re reading (and I’m writing) about two 40-plus-year-old men engaging in rap beef, neither of whom are rappers.

But since we are here, here is the song. Shaq swears once or twice, so cover your ears, kids. You can listen to the song here.

Ok, now that you just linked out to listen to it, let’s discuss for two seconds.

There are some things I like about this, especially the fact that Shaq went out of his way to also diss Erick Dampier.

Courtesy of TMZ, here are the lyrics below. For what it’s worth, I just decided to bold the parts that were the best.

Dudes talking loud, I don’t understand
Walking around like they the true Big Baller Brand
How you think that, Im about to spit facts
I walk in Reebok in ’92, I came out with them Shaqs
I’ve been doing this a long time
When you was averaging two points, riding the pine
You see my t shirts, you see my feet work
Big baller brand, that was me first
How many parades did I give them LA streets
How many rings with Kobe, see you thought we had beef
How many accolades, how many ceremonies
I had whatever I want, Tony, Tony, Tony
You beat me? That’s a bunch of bologna
You think you’re Mailman, you ain’t even Jeff Maloney
When did you play, huh, what year
Oh ya you play for Dallas, Erick Dampier
Listen here, they call me Steph Harden
I make the same salary as Steph and James Harden

Two hundred plus, two fourty eight
You do the math man, damn my life is great
You want to battle d’s, you better have endurance
Before you crash man, get that general insurance
Or get some icy hot, rub it on your back
Before you break that f****** around with Shaq
Sit down man, you be doin’ the most
You know you’re your ass is barbeque chicken in the post
First you can beat Mike, then you can beat me
Wake that ass up, you havin’ a dream
And when you wake up, apologize
And bow down to my Staples Center statue hangin’ off the side
Of the building, excuse me, arena
I feel like Martin with the flow, damn, Gina
You’ve been caught up in the rapture
And when you’re watchin’ Zo play, look up in the rafters
You see Magic Johnson, you see Jerry West
You see Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, damn he was the best

Keep lookin’ man, I know you see this
Number 34 next to Gail Goodrich
Big Daddy Kane, no half-steppin
I’m more like Will Smith (why?) I am legend
Penny love me, Kobe hate me
D Wade tell me Pat Riley was gon’ trade me

That ain’t faze me, nothin’ faze me
Jerry Maguire with this flow – pay me
Big Baller Brand trust, I am that
I hope you get the message, by telephone or fax
2 more things I gotta say
You’ve done a great job, I love how your sons play
And lil ‘Melo too, attitude hella cool
Jumper wet wet like two thots in a pool
I learn the game from William Wesley, you can never test me
Cuz when I’m done, they gon’ remember me like Elvis Presley
Watch your mouth, don’t ever step outta line
Shaq O’Neal, bro – greatest of all time
This is a game to me, it’s not a sport
My name aint Shaq, I’m the black Michael Rapaport 

Wait, what?

How will LaVar respond?

I have an idea...

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