A Last-Minute Christmas Shopping List for Sports Fans
Matthew Emmons/USA Today Sports
It’s Christmas Eve and you know what that means. It’s time for people to scramble to pick gifts for the hard-to-shop-for people in their lives. It’s also time for sportswriters who don’t feel like working on Christmas Eve to use that scenario to write an edition of their column not tied to the news cycle.
I don’t expect anyone reading this will actually know an MLB owner or Jason Garrett much less know them well enough to be exchanging Christmas gifts, but it’s a good vehicle to make some jokes about sports, so I’m going to roll with it.
An MLB owner
Several million dollars
Despite record revenues, MLB owners always seem hard-up for cash these days. If you happen to know Red Sox owner John Henry, see if you can find $10-20 million stuck in your couch cushions to give him so he doesn’t have to trade Mookie Betts.
Your distraught Alabama fan friend
A ski trip
Sure, Bama fans are beside themselves now that the Tide will miss the College Football Playoff for the first time ever. But you can show the Alabama fan in your life that there are other ways to spend weekends in early January by gifting them a getaway to the great outdoors.
Your Astros fan friend
“The Imitation Game” on DVD
Hey, it’s a great movie. Nominated for a bunch of Oscars. Yeah, it’s about decoding secret signals. So what? Don’t read too much into it.
The guy in your fantasy league who won’t shut up about drafting Lamar Jackson
A crystal ball
Oh, so you’re so good at predicting the future, huh? You knew Jackson was going to be an MVP candidate? Look in here and give me tomorrow’s lottery numbers.
Carmelo Anthony
Nothing (for now)
If his late arrival in Portland is any indication, Melo will be just fine if you wait until about three weeks into the holiday season to give him something.
Jason Garrett
A new set of golf clubs
The Cowboys coach is going to have a lot of free time on his hands pretty soon. If his team is able to sneak into the playoffs at 8–8 (which would require a Giants win over the Eagles and a Dallas win against Washington) he may receive a stay of execution until after the Wild Card round, but odds are he’ll be freshly unemployed on Dec. 30 and he’ll need a hobby to keep him occupied until ESPN hires him in the fall.
Freddie Kitchens
A nice, plain shirt
The Browns coach sure caused a stir with his “Pittsburgh Started It” shirt before Cleveland fell to the Steelers. Maybe Freddie should keep it simple from now on. Plaid is a good, safe bet.
Your Warriors fan friend
The college hoops package on their cable provider
Well, this season is already over for the formerly dynastic Golden State squad. Now that the Warriors look like they’ll be picking in the lottery this June for the first time since 2012, it’s time for fans to get familiar with the college game.
Stocking stuffers
How a Ukrainian folk tune became a Christmas classic. ... A dying Canadian teen will get to meet LeBron James at the Raptors-Lakers game on Christmas. ... Because of the fire in April, there will be no Christmas mass at Paris’s Notre Dame for the first time since 1803.
Here’s the NBA’s promo for its Christmas Day slate
Too cute
How have I never learned this before?
This Mets video is an acid trip
Well damn, it does
Jingle Bells on wrenches
Email dan.gartland@simail.com with any feedback or follow me on Twitter for approximately one half-decent baseball joke per week. Bookmark this page to see previous editions of Hot Clicks and find the newest edition every day. By popular request I’ve made a Spotify playlist of the music featured here. Visit our Extra Mustard page throughout each day for more offbeat sports stories.
