Campus Quick Slants
There's about a seven-year gap in every person's life when Halloween stops being a social event -- when the thought of free candy and girls dressed like
But if you're a college coach that wants in on the action, you've got quite a quandary. There you are, smack dab in the middle of everyone else's fun, stuck with one of the most recognizable faces on campus. And ever since
The answer is simple and bulletproof: Dress up as another coach. And since the NCAA would never license the costume rights to any third-party vendor, I'm here to provide all the ingredients and instructions your college coach needs to disguise himself as a peer. Here are five suggestions:
Print out a picture of Luther from the old sitcom
Find the nearest Wal-Mart and purchase several "Go" phones; duct tape to both ears; talk for duration of the evening.
Buy two cantaloupes from the nearest supermarket; fasten between legs; take risks like you're Jack Bauer; fear no repercussions.
Wear cheap Virginia apparel; learn slight-of-hand from a local magician; pull a disappearing act until someone notices.
Without puncturing any vital organs, slowly remove your own spine; buy snake venom off eBay and syringes from Marion Jones; inject venom into salivary glands; do not mix with alcohol.
For those of you keeping score at home, my record is 6-1 this season when predicting the next undefeated team to fall. By no means am I attempting any self-promotion on this front?I'm just as stunned as you. So, while I'm riding the wave, let's whittle the field down a little more...
I can't ever remember being less motivated to watch a "big game" between two top ten teams, can you? Unless you're a Hokies or Eagles fan, it's the kind of game you watch after The Office because there are no better options.
But someone has to win. And Thursday nights haven't been the warmest of settings for ranked teams as of late. So let's go with Virginia Tech on a bizarre special teams play.
On behalf of Idaho fans everywhere,
In other news, Cal is fresh off a horrible, letdown loss to a soft in-state rival (UCLA) and is left with only two real options from here on out: ruin someone else's season or implode like the New York Mets. Provided Cal doesn't fall off the map, this game has all the makings of a blowout victory for the Bears.
As explained in this space several weeks ago, Notre Dame jokes have long died and gone to hell. So has the Irish football season. But indulge me for one last question: Was the decision to don green jerseys in Saturday's clash against USC the sports equivalent of walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th while carrying a black cat? This was a perfect storm of bad karma. Forget the wild notion that honoring the famed "green jersey game" of 30 years ago would summon any positive energy -- Lady Luck was so frightened she scalped her ticket on StubHub.
Simply put, combining the depressed aura of Notre Dame's lackluster start with the jinx of its green jerseys was as treacherous as the original Ghostbusters crossing their proton streams. And it showed. Given the circumstances, a 38-0 final score wasn't just likely, it was a mortal lock.
Ladies and gentlemen, ESPN's
Hardy had a monster game (14 catches for 142 yards and 2 TDs) in his own right, but it was virtually impossible to see past Ware's bias as it blossomed in Bloomington. After a while, you couldn't help but wonder if Hardy was holding Ware's Heisman Trophy and incriminating photos for a ransom of gratuitous comments.
Meanwhile, on a semi-related note, there was an actual game being played, and unranked Indiana took Penn State to the wire. But, eh, who cared about that, right?
You weren't one of the bettors who favored Kentucky (+7) on Saturday evening, were you? Thought ya had it made, huh? Wait! No! (Thump.) AH! Stop hitting me!
Trailing by 14, the Wildcats scored a last-second touchdown to pull within eight points. However, due to Rule 8, Section 3, Article 2, since the extra point(s) had no bearing on the final outcome, Kentucky wasn't even allowed to try. The final score was 45-37, one point shy of a "push." The final result for Kentucky bettors was a punch in the kidney and a middle finger from Vegas odds makers and the NCAA.
Last Friday must've been a slow day over at Hollywood blog JustJared.com. Need proof?
In response to my choice of
I'm glad somebody brought this up. I'm well-aware of
Here's the thing ... there are scenes you can fake and others you cannot. I've resigned myself to the fact that Grylls isn't building all those elaborate contraptions by himself; but when I saw him ring the water out of a pile of ELEPHANT DUNG and then DRINK IT, that was the all-time clincher. Seriously, that can never be topped. If you can do that in the face of dehydration, you've got all my respect.