November 09, 2007

There are two schools of thought regarding the remaining eight weeks of the NFL season. The first holds that they're like a Jim Harrick Jr. class on the rules of basketball -- you don't really need to do anything except show up for the final exam (in this case, the AFC Championship Game). The second school of thought holds that the last eight weeks are like a Coach K class on leadership -- you won't learn anything that matters, but it's worth showing up because of the countless unforgettable moments that are bound to occur (thank you, Chris Henry). Since I'm firmly entrenched in the latter school (and I hope you are as well) I'm thrilled about the prospects of Week 10. Onward with the picks.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-10): Do you think Derek Anderson ever prank calls Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome and says something like "Hey Ozzie, this is Browns GM Phil Savage. Look, we want to give Brady Quinn the starting job and we're looking to unload Derek Anderson real cheap. I mean real cheap. We'll take anythi--[90 seconds of uncontrollable laughter]-Oh man ... I'm just yanking your chain Ozzie. It's Derek. You shouldn't have cut me....hahahhaha...screw you." I bet he does. Pick: Pittsburgh

St. Louis at New Orleans (-11.5): The Rams have inspired TiVo to release a new feature for St. Louis residents called "Double Check". Whenever somebody attempts to record a Rams game, the TiVo asks 6-8 times if the person is sure that's what they really want to do. Pick: New Orleans

Jacksonville at Tennessee (-4): Roger Goodell met with Pacman Jones earlier this week, but after the meeting the commissioner announced that Pacman's yearlong ban will stand. Goodell did consider shortening the suspension, but Pacman blew it when he paid their lunch bill by "making it rain" on the table. Pick: Tennessee

Minnesota at Green Bay (-6): Tarvaris Jackson has hit on the perfect formula for not allowing people to discover he stinks. The two key ingredients are handing the ball off to a freakishly talented running back and leaving every game early with an injury. Are you listening David Carr? You have the second thing down; you just need some help with the first one. Pick: Green Bay

Denver at Kansas City (-3): After a two-year absence Priest Holmes is back as the Chiefs starting running back. His return gives hope to all the old men with bad backs and artificial hips that they too will someday be able to play NFL football. Pick: Kansas City

Philadelphia at Washington (-3): Clinton Portis' enigmatic alter egos are back. After a 13-month hiatus the Redskins running back has unveiled a new character called Choo-Choo. Portis says he will continue introducing new characters in the hope that their outfits will earn him an invitation to appear on the next season of "Project Runway." Pick: Washington

Buffalo at Miami (+3): Don Shula made headlines this week when he said the Patriots should have an asterisk next to their record if they go 16-0. But does that mean the Dolphins should have an asterisk if they go 0-16 because they were beaten by the cheating Patriots? I would love to hear Shula's thoughts on the asterisk implications of the Dolphins futility. Pick: Buffalo

Detroit at Arizona (-1): If you need the definition of "winded", take a look atShaun Rogers at the end of his 66-yard interception return last week. I wouldn't be surprised if he blacked out at some point (a la Will Ferrell debating James Carville in Old School) and woke up in the endzone not realizing what had happened. Rogers hadn't run that far since the time last year he chased Mike Furrey around the locker room because he thought Furrey was a towel boy who was stealing equipment. Pick: Detroit

Atlanta at Carolina (-4): If you're a fan of aging left footed kickers, this game is your Super Bowl. If you're a fan of anything else ... well ... uh ... this game presents a good opportunity to spend some quality time cleaning out the gutters. Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati at Baltimore (-4.5): After seeing the Steelers get fired up by the introduction of their "all-time team" on Monday night, the Ravens hastily hatched a plan to introduce some old-time Ravens greats before taking on the Bengals. Unfortunately, the best guy they could get was legendary Super Bowl winning punter Kyle Richardson. Prepare to be pumped up. Pick: Cincinnati

Chicago at Oakland (+3): Neither Daunte Culpepper nor Josh McCown are getting the job done, but the Raiders are still hesitant to play JaMarcus Russell. Apparently the team is concerned it will really complicate Russell's health plan if he actually plays in an NFL game. Pick: Chicago

Dallas at New York Giants (+1): Winning isn't the No. 1 thing on Tony Romo's mind this week. All he really wants is to teach Eli Manning to smile ... and for Tank Johnson not to hurt anybody. Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at San Diego (+3.5): After last week's loss Colts safety Antoine Bethea was leaving the RCA Dome parking lot and had a clear path to exit through the security gate. All of the sudden Randy Moss' car approached from behind, blew past Bethea, and got to the gate first. Pick: Indianapolis

San Francisco at Seattle (-10): Tony Kornheiser better bring his "A" game on Monday night. If Seahawks jump out to an early lead he might need to break out his Arnaz Battle and Tully Banta-Cain material before the end of the 1st quarter. Pick: Seattle

Last Week: 5-9Season: 63-58-8

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