1. Chicago: Eric Gordon, Indiana, GGordon thought he could spurn Illinois for Indiana and get away with it. Not so fast. The Bulls will make him spend the rest of his career in front of a hostile home crowd.
2. Miami: Dr. Gregory House, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, FIf there's one man who can duct tape Dwyane Wade's body back together, it's House.
3. Boston (from Minnesota): Michael Beasley, Kansas State, FI'm predicting a draft day trade. Tony Allen for the No. 3 pick. Kevin McHale once again improves "his" team.
4. Seattle: Jim Irsay, Indianapolis Colts, GThe way things are going, the Sonics may need to sneak out of Seattle in the middle of the night in order to get to Oklahoma City. The knowledge of Irsay, a veteran of the Baltimore Colts' 1984 move, will come in handy.
5. Memphis: Brook Lopez, Stanford, CThe Grizzlies roster already has a can't-miss, European, big-man bust (Darko) and a can't-miss, high school phenom, big-man bust (Kwame Brown). The only missing piece is a can't-miss, seasoned college veteran big-man bust.
6. New York: Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City, GWould Knicks fans still boo the team with the Pope on the court? Probably.
7. L.A. Clippers: Joe Alexander, West Virginia, FWith Chris Kaman's receding-hairline-mullet and Mike Dunleavy's Tony Kornheiser-esque dome, the Clippers are in need of some serious tonsorial help. Alexander's golden brown curls are just what the doctor ordered.
8. Milwaukee: Anthony Randolph, LSU, FRandolph will team with Yi Jianlian to give Milwaukee a dazzling front court. Sure, the two of them won't make the Bucks competitive, but the excitement of seeing which player will be the first to crack 200 lbs. should keep fans invigorated.
9. Charlotte: Kevin Love, UCLA, CMichael Jordan finally acknowledges he has no front office talent and just follows the advice of the "Who Should the Bobcats Draft?" fan poll on CharlotteBobcats.com.
10. New Jersey: Meg Whitman, eBay, GThe former eBay CEO (and possible California gubernatorial candidate) is an expert at getting the best possible price for aging junk. Vince Carter can think of at least one way that skill will be useful to the Nets.
11. Indiana: Danilo Gallinari, Italy, FThree weeks ago Indiana GM David Morway read a post on a little-known Pacers blog that called Gallinari the "Italian Reggie Miller." At that moment Morway's mind was made up.
12. Sacramento: Rajon Rondo's Offense, Boston, GThe Kings new draft pick will be a huge offensive upgrade over what they got from the point guard position last year.
13. Portland: McGruff the Crime Dog, elementary schools, CThe remake of the Jail Blazers is officially complete.
14. Golden State: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA, FBaron Davis finally has a protégé to mentor on the intricacies of NBA beard growing -- i.e., which cities have the best beard grooming, which post-game moisturizer is the best, etc.
15. Phoenix (from Atlanta): Wayne Ellington, UNC, GInstead of selling off its draft picks (and potentially strengthening a Western Conference rival) as usual, the Suns discover they can simply draft players who decided to go back to college.
16. Philadelphia: John McCain, Arizona, G
The 76ers are a talented young team, but they lack battle-tested experience. According to some recent television commercials, Mr. McCain is chock full of that stuff.
17. Toronto: Alexis Ajinca, France, CThe rumor going around is that the big Frenchman has some sweet YouTube skills that will make him and Chris Bosh an unstoppable viral video duo.
18. Washington: Robin Lopez, Stanford, CGilbert Arenas' mancrush on Nick Young's offensive game is already extremely out of control. The Wizards need somebody who looks so awkward on offense there's no chance Gilbert will skip practice to blog about him.
19. Cleveland: Tim Donaghy, prison, GThe former referee will use his expertise to tell LeBron James which games the refs are fixing in his favor. Knowing what games are easy wins will allow James to save his energy for days when the Cavs must win legitimately.
20. Denver: Zhang Quingpen, Liaoning Hunters, GQuingpen (a point guard from the Chinese National team) will be assigned the duty of making sure Carmelo Anthony stays out of trouble in Beijing. Fortunately for Carmelo, the Chinese police will have more important things to do than fish for drunk drivers (like beating up protesters).
21. New Jersey (from Dallas): Every New York City CelebrityOnce the Nets move to Brooklyn, their courtside seats will become the trendy spot for local celebrities looking to increase their Q ratings. This pick ensures nobody will go to Knicks games anymore.
22. Orlando: One copy of Trajan Langdon's new book "How to be a star at Duke, Fail in the NBA, and Then Become a Superstar in Russia," GJ.J. Redick must read this text and have a book report on Stan Van Gundy's desk by the end of training camp.
23. Utah: Chris Paul, New Orleans, GOh wait. They can't draft him anymore.
24. Seattle (from Phoenix): One Ray Allen Fathead, GThe Fathead will be put up in the locker room so veterans know that if they play hard enough, there's a chance someday they'll be traded to a contender.
25. Houston: Scooter Libby, probation, GLibby protected higher-ups in the Bush administration by taking the blame for the Valerie Plame Affair. The Rockets hope he can protect Tracy McGrady by taking the blame for next season's early playoff exit.
26. San Antonio: Anton Ponkrashov, Russia, GAs usual, the Spurs will make their selection by having Gregg Popovich throw a dart at a chart containing the names of all the draft's foreign prospects. Ponskrashov's long last name gives him a leg up.
27. New Orleans: Swiffer Sweeper X-Large, Target, CThe Hornets already have a young roster ready to compete for a title. What they don't have is something to clean up the piles of drool which collect in front of the press table as broadcasters rave about Chris Paul. The last thing New Orleans needs is for Paul to slip on a drool puddle and tear his ACL.
28. Memphis (from L.A. Lakers): Semih Erden, Turkey, FA piece from the Paul Gasol trade nets the Grizzlies a piece of what Gasol used to bring to the table. Unfortunately, the piece Erden brings to the table is "soft, goofy looking, foreign guy."
29. Detroit --- Indiana Jones, Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, FIndy is the only person who has a chance of finding the long lost midrange jumpshots of Chauncey Billups and Tayshaun Prince. They've been missing since the Conference Finals.
30. Boston: Agent J., Location Unknown, FThe way to ensure a Celtics repeat is to erase Kevin Garnett's memory so he doesn't know he's already won a Championship. Agent J, a veteran "Man in Black" will use his "neuralizer" to get the job done.