Weekend Primer

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Your guide to the weekend, SIOC style

Naked Bike Ride, University of Vermont, 12 a.m.The customary last-day-of-classes midnight ride was in danger of being shut down for safety reasons, but a recent decision to light the entire event ensured the bike ride will live on. I acknowledge the lights will protect the bikers from some things, but what about the fact that there are a lot of moving chains and spokes that body parts can get caught in if somebody happens to fall? I think if you're going to ride some kind of wheel based machine naked, a Razor scooter is the way to go.

John McCain Speaks at Texas Tech Commencement, 4 p.m.My friends, this is the kind of graduation speaker who can really help Joe College Student. McCain's advice on how to withstand the hardships of a Vietnamese POW camp should be particularly useful as these graduates head out into today's job market. Meanwhile, earlier in the day President Bush (unaware he's still president and already beginning his post-White House speaking tour) will speak at the Texas A&M commencement. Not to be outdone, Governor Sarah Palin will speak at the commencement for the Moose Hunting & Hockey Pants Sewing College in Fairbanks.

NCAA Football All-America Team Announced, ABC, 5 p.m.Players who are depressed about their failure to make the Academic All-America team can take solace in making this relatively meaningless All-America team that's based purely on athletic achievement. The big surprise will reportedly be Taylor Hansbrough being named to the second team without ever playing a game of college football. He's that awesome.

Heisman Trophy Presentation, ESPN, 8 p.m.Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow get to dress up in suits and fantasize about joining the legendary fraternity of Gino Torretta, Rashaan Salaam and ...Tim Tebow. The race should come down to McCoy and Bradford -- Tebow was only invited so he could use his powers to miraculously defeat any giant monsters, evil superheroes, or zombie Nazi war criminals that attack the Athletic Club during the ceremony.

Skyline Chili Crosstown Shootout: No. 9 Xavier at Cincinnati, 8 p.m.How can you not love a game sponsored by a Chili restaurant chain so fine, it's mentioned in a Big & Rich song? These teams have split the last 22 meetings, so if two Cincinnati residents made a "best out of 23" bet in 1986, this is a big game.

NCAA Women's Basketball: No. 9 Cal at No. 5 Oklahoma, 9 p.m.Sooners forward Ashley Paris is one of the season's big early surprises; so far she's outscoring her twin sister Courtney, the likely top pick in the 2009 WNBA draft (according to most WNBA mock drafts ... OK ...the one WNBA mock draft out there. Still, there is one. Although it's probably published by David Stern).

2008 College Cup, 1 p.m.It's an ACC party! St. John's will join Maryland, UNC and defending champions Wake Forest on FC Dallas' pitch, and only one of them will emerge NCAA soccer champions. Cinderella UNC, (ranked No. 24 and only 11-7 entering the tournament) hopes to make history by becoming the worst team to ever win the College Cup.