Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages! Welcome to the biggest event of this or any other NBA season! Bigger than the All-Star Game! Bigger than the Finals, whatever those are!
It's the 2010 NBA Free-Agency Summit!
LeBron James and the NBA's other top free agents are discussing their futures at an undisclosed, private location in the middle of Times Square. They are joined by their host, Larry King.
Larry King: Thank you for joining me, gentlemen.
LeBron James (motioning to waiter): VitaminWater, please.
Dwyane Wade: LeBron, that's not a waiter, that's Joe Johnson.
LeBron James (motioning to Joe Johnson): VitaminWater, please.
Joe Johnson (pouring VitaminWater for LeBron): Here you are, sir. Hey, guys, thanks for inviting me! Did you guys know I'm going to be a free agent too? Just like you!
Amar'e Stoudemire: Yes, Joe. We know.
Joe Johnson: The last time I was a free agent, I left a championship contender in Phoenix for an awful team in Atlanta because I wanted to be The Man. Now, five years later, Atlanta is a playoff team, which can only mean one thing: time for me to leave again!"
LeBron James: Atlanta. I'm considering Atlanta. That's on my list, Larry.
Larry King: Really? I thought Cleveland had the edge.
LeBron James: Cleveland definitely has the edge. That's home, Larry. This city and these fans have given me a lot. So Cleveland has the edge, but I'm also considering Atlanta, New York, Chicago, New Jersey, Miami, the Clippers, Minnesota, Real Madrid and the Abu Dhabi Fighting Gold Bricks.
Larry King: Lot of rich people in Abu Dhabi.
LeBron James: It's not about the money, Larry. It's about being an entrepreneur, about capitalizing on market situations from the perspective of an economical angle of the situation. Also, it's about the children. I love children.
Larry King: Lot of children in Abu Dhabi.
LeBron James: Dwyane and I could go there together. We could help the Fighting Gold Bricks join the NBA. FGB in the NBA, Larry. We're trying to figure out a way to make the league better.
Dwyane Wade: I don't know about Abu Dhabi. Isn't there, like, a lot of oil there? What about Chicago? I miss Chicago.
LeBron James (to Larry King): I love Chicago.
Barack Obama (High-fives LeBron.)
LeBron James: I also love New York. The whole city is campaigning to sign me. Do you know what that means to a kid from Akron? I'll tell you what it means, Larry. It means I'm awesome.
Dirk Nowitzki (to nobody in particular): I think I'll just re-sign with Dallas. Stick with my team, you know? I'd like to try to lead the only team I've ever known to a title and not make such a big deal about it. Is that weird?
LeBron James: I don't think that's weird at all, Dirk. I'm considering Dallas too.
Chris Bosh: What do you think I should do?
Larry King: Well ...
Chris Bosh: Wait, did I say that out loud? I meant to tweet it.
Amar'e Stoudemire: Where are you going, CB4? I want to play with you. We can both run and score. You can grab a bunch of rebounds. I can watch you.
Dwyane Wade: Naw, Amare, you need to join me in Miami. I just hope the Heat realize that whenever you can give a max contract to a guy who probably isn't a true superstar and has had microfracture surgery, giving him a chance to go back to his home state, where he had a remarkably messed-up childhood, you have to do it.
LeBron James: We're not here to talk about Amar'e's childhood. We're here to talk about me. The MVP. The best player in the league.
Larry King: What about Kobe?
LeBron James: Kobe is a great player. But he's not the chosen one. I'm the chosen one, because I have the Chosen 1 tattoo. Have I shown you my tattoos, Larry?
Larry King: Show me your tattoos!
LeBron James: (Takes off clothes.)
Larry King: Wow. You are a well-defined man.
LeBron James: (Walks over to mirror, flexes, makes kissing noises.)
Dwyane Wade: LeBron, can you please put your clothes back on? We're trying to decide the future of the league here, and I've got somewhere I need to be.
LeBron James: Court appearance?
Dwyane Wade: Two.
Chris Bosh: I'll decide first. I'm going home to Houston.
Dirk Nowitzki: I'm staying in Dallas.
Dwyane Wade: I'm staying in Miami. I actually signed the contract last August. I just figured it would be fun to play along all year and pretend I was going to be a free agent.
Amar'e Stoudemire: I'm also going to Miami. I also signed a contract last August. Wait, what? Never mind.
LeBron James: Guys, guys, GUYS! I was supposed to decide first, remember? I'm the first domino. We are here for me. I am the King. And the King will sign with ...
Larry King: Cleveland?
LeBron James: Nope.
Larry King: Knicks?
LeBron James: Nope.
Larry King: Then who?
LeBron James: The Bulls.
Larry King: A stunning upset! LeBron James will sign a long-term deal with the Bulls.
LeBron James: Who said "long-term," Larry? I'm signing a 10-day deal. I'll see you in a week in a half. Bring your camera crew.