Inside the mind of Dan Gilbert
Let's jump into the mind of a billionaire who just watched his very expensive basketball toy fall apart.
OK, so Gilbert has established himself as the jilted lover in this scenario. He is bitter, he is disappointed, he is bitterly disappointed, and he doesn't even have the composure to hide it. The man is hurting and he is lashing out.
Since most of the nation seems to agree that ditching Cleveland on ESPN was heartless, we're on board with Gilbert here. We're willing to overlook the fact that Gilbert would have cut off his left ear to keep LeBron. He's jilted. He's been used. We feel his pain.
I am picturing Gilbert bawling and saying "The love of our life just dumped us on national television, and he said we're fat, we're ugly and we're bad in bed, but dammit, I will never, ever, EVER leave you!" then hugging his teddy bear.
I guess we are supposed to give Gilbert credit for not moving the team. OK, fine. Thanks for not moving the team.
The man still has tickets to sell, but more importantly: he has secrets to tell! Everybody in the NBA knows that Cleveland has genuflected before King James for seven years. It started before Gilbert bought the team and got worse as James became older and more emboldened, and Gilbert feared losing him.
Now Gilbert is promising this will get ugly. He is going to tell you about the time LeBron demanded that his teammates wear King James boxers, and the times LeBron was caught licking pictures of himself, and that time that James slept with
YOU TELL 'EM DAN! That's right! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? You want a championship so badly, you don't even need any damn PLAYERS to do it! You're going to win one on ANGER, man!
Clearly, Gilbert has completely lost his senses. Miami might not win next year. Or the year after. But come on, the Cavs have as much chance of beating LeBron to the
Um ... I want to believe, but really now: YOU HAD THE BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE. Wasn't that motivation enough?
Dan's got me back on his side! That's awesome. Alas, I have absolutely no idea what it means. Was LeBron supposed to die this week? Is staying in Cleveland like dying? Somebody, please, help me out here.
Yes, play the Children Card. Because, as we all know, Gilbert bought the Cavs because he cares about children.
Bad things are going to happen to you, LeBron! Baaaaad things! Like, um ... next December, it's going to SNOW in South Beach! Just a light dusting, but still: SNOW in Miami! And bad, bad, baaaad things will keep happening until you do "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, and do you know what that means? Uh, neither do I. LeBron's only value to Cleveland was as a basketball player. What is he supposed to do? Walk around town handing out Ju Ju Bees?
Because I never will again!
How, I have no idea!
... and isn't coming to Cleveland for a long, long time.