Zebras, Horses and the Art of Having a Go: An Alternative Timeline of Transfer Deadline Day
Transfer Deadline Day is like Christmas. It's overhyped, underwhelming, horrendously over-commercialised and rooted in a problematic mythology.
However, amid the ITKs, the car park reporters with one eye on incoming sex toys, ALL THE YELLOW and the occasional actual transfer, there is and indeed was still some fun to be had on this most celebrated of days.
On football Christmas, here are some Easter Eggs hidden away amongst the sea of news throughout to reward the long-suffering.
08:48 - Richard Keys. Truth is he isn't really a key at all.
The Archbishop of Banterbury and Lord of Bantarctica started the day at his best on Twitter with this gem.
So the window 'slams shut' today. Count how many times you hear that said. Truth is it simply 'closes'.— Richard Keys (@richardajkeys) August 31, 2017
Turns out Richard doesn't like non-literal language. Even less than he likes the Faroe Islands apparently.
Here are some of the best ripostes, but honestly you can easily get lost in the replies section to any of his tweets.
Richard, it isn't a real window. It does neither.— Macca (@The_Paris_Angel) August 31, 2017
You'd smash it though, wouldn't you Richard?— Adam Booth (@adam4187) August 31, 2017
Is there some kind of previous between you and Sky?— Miguel Delaney (@MiguelDelaney) August 31, 2017
This is just the kind of insight that the PC brigade at Sky are so badly missing these days...— Nick Parmenter (@nickparmenter) August 31, 2017
10:00 - Sky Sauces...
Sky Sports currently trawling social media accounts for news of activity that might indicate player movement. How much do I pay for this?— kelly_welles (@kelly_welles) August 31, 2017
15:00 - Hope for Syria
Not transfer related, but a truly incredible effort from Syria national men's team, who sit in the playoff place of their World Cup qualifying group with one game to go after beating Qatar 3-1.
Everything for Syria - who even have an outside chance at automatic qualification - now rests on their final group game against the already-qualified Iran, who have yet to concede in nine games.
15:12 - Juventus' Zebra of Terror
Back to transfer frivolity.
Juve's odd mascot turned up as new boy Benedict Howedes signed autographs. Look at its eyes. That thing would rank well amongst the Premier League's hardest mascots.
15:20 - Diafra Sakho's transfer horse
From zebras to horses. West Ham striker Diafra Sakho's (or Diafro as Sky kept calling him) transfer negotiations were apparently held up, as his agent went to Chelmsford to watch his horse come race.
The horse won. Sakho (who stayed in the car park Odemwingie style for the race) ended up staying at West Ham.
1/2 We're told Diafra Sakho is in car park at Chelmsford races. His advisers horse Siege of Boston has just won 3.20 in photo-finish at 9/2— Kaveh Solhekol (@SkyKaveh) August 31, 2017
16:40 - The Premier League = Killjoys
Renato Sanches signed for Swansea on loan and was initially handed the number 85 shirt. However, the Premier League put the kibosh on that pretty sharpish.
16:45 - Simon Jordan rocks up at Sky and is still the absolute roaster you remember
17:11 - Yeovil use that meme you liked last week
10:32 - Total Eclipse of the Merson
This comment shouldn't cause any problems...
11:36 - Obligatory Arsenal FanTV mention...
Troopz arrived at 90min Towers about 45 minutes ago, and he's barely stopped shouting for more than three consecutive seconds— Chris Deeley (@ThatChris1209) August 31, 2017
07:55 - Paul Merson has HAD A GO at grading each team's transfer window...
A few choice highlights from The Magic Man...
Brighton: "I look through the list of signings and I don't really know any of them."
Huddersfield: "Huddersfield have had a go...they are having a good go at it."
Leicester: "They have spent some money...and had a right go."
Newcastle: "I thought Newcastle were going to have a real go."
Stoke: "They have had a go."
West Ham: "I will give them a decent grade because what they have brought in is decent."