Following a week in which:
- Pep Guardiola lost his side a Champions League game.
- Evan N'Dicka lost his side a Europa League game.
- Son Heung-min won his side a Champions League game.
- Aaron Ramsey won his side a Europa League game.
90min, using quotes from the incredible filmography of Rob Reiner, rank the top 15 football teams in Europe:
15) Eintracht Frankfurt (Down 3)
"You can't really dust for vomit." (This Is Spinal Tap)
Oh Lord, did they try.
Despite their best efforts however, the frightening combination of the brilliance of Joao Felix and the idiocy of Evan N'Dicka has put Eintracht Frankfurt on the brink of an all too early Europa League exit.
14) Chelsea (Re-Entry)
"It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play." (This Is Spinal Tap)
Eden Hazard? No.
Gonzalo Higuain? No.
Olivier Giroud? No.
Willian? No, of course not, he's terrible.
It was Marcos Alonso - of all people - who popped up with a late winner for Chelsea against Slavia Prague in the Europa League on Thursday night.
13) Real Madrid (-)
"You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance." (When Harry Met Sally)
So Real Madrid won at the weekend.
They beat Eibar 2-1.
I'm guessing no one cares...so I'll move on.
12) Watford (Re-Entry)
"Another day, another dollar, captain." (A Few Good Men)
What. A. Comeback.
What. A. Performance.
What. A. Brace. From. Gerard. Deulofeu.
What. A. Bang. Average. Penalty. That. Should've. Been. Saved. But. Wasn't.
What. A. Win.
11) Benfica (Re-Entry)
"It's like God gave you something, man, all those stories you can make up. And he said, 'This is what we got for ya, kid. Try not to lose it.' Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them." (Stand By Me)
There are four 19/20-year-old footballers that can be classified as potentially generational talents; one of them scored a hat trick in the Europa League on Thursday night.
Joao Felix is the real deal, God gave him something, man.
10) Paris Saint-Germain (Down 1)
"Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding Intravenous Di Milo: 'This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.'
"'That's...that's just nitpicking, isn't it?'" (This Is Spinal Tap)
Ok, so we've all seen THAT Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting miss - aka THE WORST MISS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
But when you saw it you probably thought: "Yeah, terrible miss, but Paris Saint-Germain probably won the game 15-0."
Well, they didn't. THAT miss actually proved costly, as PSG were held to a 2-2 draw by Strasbourg.
9) Arsenal (Down 2)
"It happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of our lives, like busboys in a restaurant." (Stand By Me)
Arsenal's impressive 2-0 win over SSC Napoli was a bittersweet one, because such a win would not have been possible without the influence of Aaron Ramsey...a player set to leave the club this summer.
It's explicitly clear that Aaron Ramsey is the Gunners' best player.
It's also explicitly clear that the Gunners will find it very, very, very, hard to replace him.
8) Borussia Dortmund (Down 6)
"You can't handle the truth!" (A Few Good Men)
For a number of weeks Borussia Dortmund had been lauded for winning closely contested games 'like champions', scoring late goals and mounting astonishing comebacks.
Well, it turns out that BVB weren't winning games 'like champions', they were merely scraping by. And last Saturday at the Allianz Arena, Lucien Favre's men were found out by a rampant Bayern Munich.
The truth hurts.
7) Bayern Munich (Up 3)
"'The numbers all go to 11. Look, right across the board, 11, 11, 11 and...'
"'Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?'
"'Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?'
"'Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
"'I don't know.'
"'Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
"'Put it up to 11.'
"'11. Exactly. One louder."' (This Is Spinal Tap)
Last Saturday, Bayern Munich turned it up to 11.
With the pressure on following a seemingly disastrous draw with Freiburg, FC Hollywood put on a blockbuster performance at the Allianz Arena, thumping BVB 5-0 and proving that they're still the Bundesliga's top dogs.
6) Tottenham Hotspur (Up 5)
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." (When Harry Met Sally)
Tuesday night was a perfect exemplification of why Tottenham Hotspur fans are head-over-heels in love with Mauricio Pochettino.
Written off as no hopers against the ALL MIGHTY Manchester City, Pochettino's tactical masterclass inspired Spurs to a famous 1-0 win at the 'New White Hart Lane'.
While the UEFA Champions League ties isn't over - far from it in fact - Pochettino has given Spurs the opportunity to do something they've never done before: reach the competition's semi finals.
In Poch we trust.
5) Manchester City (Down 4)
"Jesus H. bald-headed Christ!" (Stand By Me)
He did again.
Pep Guardiola did it again.
Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola decided to field a weakened team in his side's biggest game of the season so far; and, of course, he paid for it.
As mentioned previously, the tie is by no means over, but Tuesday night was yet another instance in which Pep Guardiola - in the Champions League at least - made life incredibly hard for himself...for no reason.
4) Juventus (Up 1)
"Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns." (A Few Good Men)
Wednesday night, without their best defender Giorgio Chiellini, Juventus put on a Catenaccio masterclass.
Penned in their defensive third for the majority of the game at the Johan Cruyff Arena, La Vecchia Signora miraculously kept Ajax at bay (for the most part) and even scored what could be a crucial away goal.
Shoutout to Daniele Rugani, in particular, for his fantastic performance (yes, this sentence was an excuse to plug another article).
3) Liverpool (-)
"You can do anything you want, man." (Stand By Me)
On the brink of yet another UEFA Champions League semi final following their 2-0 win over Porto.
On the brink of their first league title in nearly 30 years following their 3-1 win over Southampton.
Jurgen Klopp's Liverpool are on the brink of history.
2) Barcelona (-)
"We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically." (This Is Spinal Tap)
Appearances - 42
Goals - 43
Assists - 15
Appearances - 43
Goals - 23
Assists - 9
As Manchester United and Atletico Madrid found out the hard way this past week, when Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez are on top form, no one can stop them.
1) Ajax (Up 5)
"This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once!" (Stand By Me)
Manchester City have FINALLY been knocked off their perch atop 90min's Definitive European Power rankings.
Despite drawing their Champions League quarter final first leg meeting with Juventus, Ajax top the Definitive European Power Rankings this week for one simple reason: they were a joy to watch on Wednesday night.
Total Football is back.