Sound the alarm, alert the neighbours, and stand to attention, because it's time for another transfer rumours roundup.
We have some stormers for you today, as Newcastle chase £20m for Dwight Gayle, and Gianluigi Buffon is reported to be on the move to the Championship. Unfortunately we're not even joking on either of those.
Newcastle 'Confident' of Getting £20m for Dwight Gayle
Has Dwight Gayle had a stellar season in the Championship? Yes. As a result, is he all of a sudden a reasonably valuable asset to both Newcastle and West Brom, who had him on loan last season? Yes. Is £20m anything other than an absolutely mental price tag for a 28-year-old who has never really made the cut in the Premier League, despite almost 100 appearances in the competition? It decidedly is not.
Either the Northern Echo is broken here, or the transfer market is, because they report that, after scoring 24 goals in 41 appearances in the second tier last season, Newcastle feel they can bring in that sort of fee for Gayle, with Fulham and Stoke interested.
They feel it's a reasonable price to ask for despite refusing to pay West Brom £16.5m to sign Salomon Rondon, who is just one year older, and was a revelation for them last season. You barely have to put two and two together to see where a deal could be done here, although the ongoing shambles with Newcastle's on-off takeover and Rafa Benitez's on-off contract talks probably complicates things.
Celtic Refuse to Sell Callum McGregor to Leicester City
Meanwhile, 150 miles or so north, Celtic are reported to have laughed off Brendan Rodgers' first attempt to raid his former club, as negotiations over midfielder Callum McGregor didn't even get as far as an offer being tabled.
The Scottish champions see the 26-year-old as the heir-apparent to 33-year-old captain and midfield anchor Scott Brown, and the Sunday Mail report (as per the Daily Record) that Rodgers has been given a decisive 'no' after expressing initial interest in luring him to Leicester.
Celtic are believed to be unhappy with the manner in which Rodgers left the club in February, as reports in Scotland at the time suggested the manager didn't take the time to say goodbye properly to his squad, so it is possible the bad blood between the two parties has factored in here.
Meanwhile, the Hoops are also standing strong over left-back Kieran Tierney, who has attracted interest from Arsenal, but it is understood they will only accept a fee close to £25m for the 22-year-old.
West Ham 'Confident' of Beating Everton to Maxime Gonalons
AS Roma midfielder Maxime Gonalons looks set for an exit from the Serie A side this summer, with the Express reporting that there is Premier League interest, in the form of West Ham and Everton, in his signature.
The 30-year-old spent last season on loan with Sevilla, managing just 13 appearances due to a combination of serious injuries, and it is believed new manager Paulo Fonseca will listen to loan offers, in order to give Gonalons the opportunity to earn a permanent move.
West Ham believe they can see off Everton's interest, as Manuel Pellegrini looks to add to his already vast range of midfield options.
Besiktas Take 'Concrete Steps' to Sign Jairo Riedewald
To say Jairo Riedewald is 'out of favour' at Crystal Palace is a bit like saying spending substantially in the transfer market is 'out of favour' at Arsenal. He didn't manage a single Premier League appearance last term, and has only seen his role in the Palace side slide since his move from Ajax in 2017.
Unless he fancies another season on the bench, the 22-year-old looks set to leave the club in the weeks to come, and according to Turkish outlet Aksam, it's Besiktas who are looking like his most realistic option.
They say manager Abdullah Avci is keen on the player, who is keen to add a left-sided centre-back to his ranks this summer. Riedewald fits the bill, while also offering cover elsewhere due to his versatility, and Besiktas have recognised his potential value to their side by taking 'concrete steps' to lure him to the Super Lig.
Gianluigi Buffon Linked With Leeds (No, Seriously)
Rest assured I am trying and failing not to laugh uproariously at this one as I'm typing it, but Gianluigi Buffon has been linked with a move to Championship side Leeds United.
You know the guy I'm on about, the 41-year-old former World Cup winner and nine-time Italian champion who was just released by PSG. Yeah, him. Well the print edition of Italian paper Corrierra della Serra say Leeds are among the clubs, along with Fluminese and Porto, who are keen to offer him a destination for next season.
They don't actually say he is considering it, just that Leeds are interested, but let's be fair - unless Marcelo Bielsa has lost whatever morsels of sanity he had remaining, there is no way this is being discussed as a genuine option behind the scenes at Elland Road. This is real life, not Football Manager.