By 90Min
July 03, 2019

FADE IN:

INT. EMIRATES STADIUM, BOARDROOM. DAY. 

Chips Keswick (Arsenal director, old guy) & Stan Kroenke (Majority shareholder, old guy) sit at a long rectangular table, looking up at Unai Emery (Arsenal's manager. Looks a bit like Bela Lugosi), who is nervously pacing in front of a large whiteboard. 

UNAI EMERY

We need to sign some new player. I can not be expected to win games with that useless sack of sh*t Shkodran Mustafi in defence.


CHIPS KESWICK

We understand. Who would you like to sign? 


STAN KROENKE 

[Cutting in] We are giving you £40m to sign players this summer. Remember that.


UNAI EMERY

[Exacerbated] How can I sign the players we need with only £40m? Crystal Palace want £80m for Wilfried Zaha alone. 


STAN KROENKE

Get creative. 


Unai Emery runs out of the boardroom crying hysterically. 

END


This is how we imagine the past few boardroom meetings have gone at Arsenal as the club painfully - and embarrassingly - attempts to stretch £40m to sign the myriad of players that they need this summer.

With the ridiculously stupid offer of £40m in five instalments for Zaha already in the books, we thought we'd speculate over some other bids Arsenals could lodge for Europe's best and brightest this summer: 


Wilfried Zaha

KHALED DESOUKI/GettyImages

Offer: £40 in four instalments (over the next eight years) + one free swing at Piers Morgan (to be used at any time over the next of the next year) + Carl Jenkinson. 

This would be a much improved, and much less embarrassing offer than the one Arsenal have actually lodged. 


Harry Maguire

Catherine Ivill/GettyImages

Offer: £50m in 25 instalments over the course of the next 25 years + one 2019/20 Arsenal replica jersey (home or away) + one life-size cut-out of 'beautiful human being' Joe Allen + a half-eaten pack of strawberry Fruittella + one blu-ray of Brendan Rodgers' choosing from Stan Kroenke's personal (very personal) collection + Carl Jenkinson. 

This deal would depend on one thing: how good Stan Kroenke's blu-ray collection is. 

And possibly Manchester United's ability to match Leicester City's £80m valuation of Harry Maguire - but mainly the strength of that blu-ray collection. 


Nicolas Pepe

JEFF PACHOUD/GettyImages

Offer: £25m + 80 square miles of Stan Kroenke's ranch + 14 signed copies of 'Ian Wright: My Life in Football' + one item of Hector Bellerin's wardrobe (of Bellerin's choosing) + Carl Jenkinson. 

Bellerin's wardrobe is vast and wacky, but it does have a few gems in it. This could be a goer.


Isco

Juan Manuel Serrano Arce/GettyImages

Offer: £10m four-year loan with £30m obligation to buy (triggered if Arsenal qualify for the UEFA Champions League) + one ticket to Idris Elba's next concert + one 'thank you' card + a promise to play Shkodran Mustafi every time they play Real Madrid over the course of the next 12 years (regardless of the player's age or fitness) + Carl Jenkinson.


Promising to play Shkodran Mustafi is a high price to pay, but it could be worth it in the long run if Arsenal were able to get their hands on a player of Isco's calibre. 


Kylian Mbappe

FRANCK FIFE/GettyImages

Offer: £40m (flat fee) + one decade of the rosary + one more decade of the rosary + NFL team Los Angeles Rams + NBA team Denver Nuggets + one more decade of the rosary + big box of Tesco Value wine + two free swings at Piers Morgan per week + Carl Jenkinson.


Despite this monstrous offer, Kylian Mbappe may still be just - just - out of reach for Arsenal. Shame. 


Virgil van Dijk

Catherine Ivill/GettyImages

Offer: £40m + £1 + Public apology for 2013 offer for Luis Suarez + Change club's Twitter avatar to an image of the Anfield scoreboard after Liverpool's 5-1 win over Arsenal for one full year + Carl Jenkinson.


The extra £1 in this case wouldn't be a performance-based incentive. Which is good...I guess. 


Yacine Brahimi 

MIGUEL RIOPA/GettyImages

Offer: £0m + Carl Jenkinson.


£0m + Carl Jenkinson = £0m. 


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