Hey baby, I hear the Power Rankings a-callin',
It's the best football teams in all of Europe.
And maybe you'll be annoyed by the rankings,
Yeah maybe, but I don't even care!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
But I don't know what to do with those teams in Europe's top leagues and 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings.
They're callin' again.
90min's Definitive European Power Rankings all over my face.
What is a boy to do...
Jack and Wilf have left the building.
Following a week in which:
- Serie A started with a BANG.
- Lucas Digne scored a BANGING free-kick.
- And Pusha T dropped a track with Lauryn Hill that BANGED.
We add the greatest sitcom in the history of the world - Frasier - to the ever-expanding DEPR universe, and rank the best teams in Europe using quotes from season four:
15) Atalanta (New Entry)
"Well I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life."
"Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam."
Everybody loves Atalanta.
They're hipster's choice, the neutral's favourite, the underdogs every man, woman, child, cat, dog is rooting for in this season's UEFA Champions League.
And for good reason.
As their enthralling 3-2 win over SPAL exemplified, the Bergamo side are one of the most exciting teams to watch in Europe. They're box office, baybee.
14) Porto (New Entry)
"As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my...oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor."
After their opening day defeat to newly promoted Gil Vicente (who are they? Exactly!), not many people backed Porto to genuinely challenge Benfica for the Primeira Liga title.
Then out of absolutely nowhere, Porto beat Benfica 1-0.
Now, Porto are probably the favourites to win the league. Now, Porto have found their way into 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings. Now, we'd even back Porto to finish a simple Visigoth metaphor:
Hordes of Porto Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of Primeira Liga defences, laying waste to every other team in Portugal.
13) VfL Wolfsburg (-)
"Feel like a new man?"
The lean years are over!
VfL Wolfsburg are great again!
Armed with the best left back in Germany (Jerome Roussillon), a dependable goalscorer (Wout Weghorst) and a quality midfield (which includes Maximilian Arnold and Josuha Guilavogui), oh and THE BEST HOME KIT IN EUROPE, Die Wolfes look set to make a real push for Champions League qualification this season.
12) Atletico Madrid (-)
"I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.”
Diego Simeone doesn't do rhythmic, attacking, or free-flowing football. He wants his teams to fight; not dance.
But in Joao Felix, Simeone has something a bit different; A player willing to publicly display some rhythm.
Last weekend he cha-cha slid Atleti to three points, and he'll probably do the same this weekend.
11) Wolves (-)
"You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?"
There ain't no rest for Wolves this season.
Wolves' European adventure looks set to continue into (at least) December this season, after they made it into the Europa League group stages with a rather impressive win over Torino.
It's all very exciting...but also probably quite tiring.
For playing on Thursday and Sunday will take its toll on this relatively small Wolves squad.
Can they cope?
10) Juventus (New Entry)
"She says I'm too rigid."
The Sarri-ball era began in earnest at Juventus this past weekend, with La Vecchia Signora running out 1-0 winners in Parma.
And although Juve weren't as free-flowing as Sarri would've liked, the early signs were positive.
- Gonzalo Higuain and Cristiano Ronaldo linked up well.
- Miralem Pjanic had 1,000,000,000,000 touches of the ball.
- Douglas Costa impressed.
A positive start Sarri's footballing revolution in Turin.
9) Barcelona (Re-Entry)
"Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?"
"No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team."
"They got there later!"
The headlines over the weekend read:
"Antoine Griezmann thrashes Real Betis in the absence of Lionel Messi."
"Antoine Griezmann single-handedly put Real Betis to the sword at Camp Nou."
"Antoine Griezmann Antoine Griezmann'd Real Betis to give Antoine Griezmann a win at Camp Antoine Griezmann."
But he didn't actually do it alllllllll on his own.
Carles Perez, Frenkie de Jong, Jordi Alba and Sergio Busquets all also played their part in what was a hugely impressive win - in the absence of Luis Suarez and Lionel Messi - over one of the better teams in La Liga.
8) Bayern Munich (New Entry)
"How flattering, they've named a bar after her."
The best number nine in the world.
'But what about Sergio Aguero?'
What about him? Robert Lewandowski is TWICE the player Sergio Aguero could ever hope to be.
He's so good that it's actually pretty surprising that there aren't at least 350 bars named after him in Munich.
7) Ajax (Re-Entry)
"I don't even know who you are!"
Ajax may have sold basically every single player they own this summer, but, somehow, they're still really, really, really good.
UEFA Champions League good.
They won't go as far this season (bet the house on that), but after being drawn in a group with Chelsea, Valencia, and LOSC Lille, the new Ajax young-guns (whoever they are) will fancy their chances of making the round of 16.
6) SSC Napoli (New Entry)
"We're sherry drinkers."
On Saturday night, SSC Napoli started their season with a BANG, beating Fiorentina 4-3 in a surprisingly epic opening day encounter.
Not playing champagne football, but sherry football, I Partenopei were deadly in the offensive third, carving an impressive La Viola open at will.
Game of the season?
5) RB Leipzig (-)
"You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?"
Best player signed a new contract? Check.
Best young manager in Europe? Check.
100% record in the Bundesliga? Check.
It's all gravy at RB Leipzig.
4) Inter (New Entry)
"I hardly need to tell you how the story ends."
"Just tell me when the story ends."
Judging by how high Inter have entered 90min's Definitive European Power Rankings, you can probably guess that Antonio Conte inspired his new team to a pretty impressive start to their 2019/20 Serie A campaign.
And yes, that's a good guess, because it was pretty impressive.
4-0 in front of a near capacity San Siro crowd.
Pretty impressive, eh?
BUT hold your horses, and maybe quell the "OMG Inter are going to win the league" chatter. Because we've seen this story play out so many times over the past few years: hope of a new dawn, painful setbacks, then embarrassing defeats, then the kicker, a fifth place finish.
This season may very well be different...but...you know...it might not be...
3) Manchester City (Up 1)
"He's spent many happy hours observing their play patterns."
'VAR is killing football!'
'Woe is me!'
'We feel hard done by!'
It's a miracle! Manchester City weren't complaining about VAR this week.
Instead, they wiped away the VAR-fuelled tears last weekend, stopped complaining for 90 minutes, and beat Bournemouth last weekend at the Vitality Stadium. Nice one.
2) Borussia Dortmund (-)
"He's practically doin' a polka."
"Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival."
Wilf may disagree, but Jadon Sancho is currently the best player in Europe. He's so good in fact, that Borussia Dortmund fans are probably counting down the days to when their club sell him for 100 billion dollars.
1) Liverpool (-)
"I gotta say: I'm impressed."
I gotta say: Liverpool are the best team in the world.
At Anfield last weekend they proved they were. Qith Mohamed Salah hitting top form and Roberto Firmino showboating, the Reds ripped Arsenal limb from limb. Literally*.
*Maybe not literally.