Victoria Milan, a reprehensible website for people in relationships looking to cheat, released the results of a survey conducted among women to determine what they think the sexiest sports are. As Extra Mustard's Certified Woman, I've taken it upon myself to review these sports and figure out what's sexy and not sexy about them.
If you'll pardon the pause in our serious sports discussion, I'll now take a moment to objectify attractive people, which is something Sports Illustrated has never done before:
1. Surfing 23.4%
I mean, it's a sport that gives you huge arm muscles and a tan, and it requires you to have your shirt off all the time. Obviously it's going to be in first place.
2. Football 16.2%
This is tricky, because you've got the super-gorgeous Tom Brady and Russell Wilson, but on the other hand, you have Peyton Manning, who is slowly disappearing into his own forehead.
3. Swimming 12.5%
Again, this is a sport designed to make your body look amazing, so of course it's going to be top three. Ryan Lochte is essentially a perfect man... until he starts talking... and then he becomes markedly less attractive:
4. Baseball 8.9%
Two days ago I Googled "Josh Reddick girlfriend." I GOOGLED IT AND I'M NOT ASHAMED. Who wouldn't want to date someone this sultry?
That being said, baseball also produced the most truly ugly legendary athlete of all time, Yogi Berra. So, there's that.
5. Tennis 8.4%
Tennis players are super fit because they have to sprint to catch up with the ball, plus they make a ton of money at tennis championships, which is a nice bonus. Unfortunately, they lose major sexiness points because this is the face they make when they hit the ball:
6. Motor Sport 7.3
When I saw this, I was confused at first, because I can't think of any NASCAR drivers that I think are particularly (or even a little) sexy. But then I remembered the wonderful, wonderful world of Formula 1, and I began to understand why this one is on the list:
7. Rugby 6.4%
Rugby's sexy appeal should be obvious -- these are giant men made of muscle. Unfortunately, rugby requires its athletes to slam their beautiful bodies into each other, resulting in some very un-sexy face injuries.
8. Basketball 6.3%
Tall men are sexy. That being said, the same genetics that made these athletes grow really tall also kind of made their other body parts grow out of proportion. Between Anthony Davis' teeth and Joakim Noah's neckbeard, 8 was about as good as basketball could hope to place.
9. Golf 6.1%
Look, for every Adam Scott, there are five John Dalies. And even Adam Scott isn't perfect. Have you heard him talk? That guy's voice always sounds like he just finished drinking a big glass of milk.
I'm sorry, but I just can't date a guy with milk-voice. That's uh... the only reason Adam Scott and I aren't dating.
10. Athletics 4.5%
I don't know what sport or sports this is referring to, which is sexy because it's mysterious, but unsexy because it's confusing.
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