Welcome to Extra Mustard’s weekly Ballers power rankings (click here for last week’s rankings). This week, in Season 2, Episode 2, Spencer tries to steal Terrell Suggs from Andre, Tracy quits her job, Ricky tries to pick a team and Reggie wants money to do absolutely nothing.
1. Spencer Strasmore (last week: 3)
Look, Spencer might be addicted to painkillers, he’s wearing polka dots with stripes (my eyes!), and he saw Terrell Suggs slip out of his hands momentarily. But you know what? He finished the episode on top with one hell of a line. Don’t you ever try to say football players can’t think.
Hey Andre, you’re fired. On behalf of every single football player out there. “You’re f—ing fired.”
Spence, or “The Spence,” as Joe desperately called him, is going right after Andre. That bruise, and Vernon’s destroyed leg, will eventually heal, Ladies’ Home Journal will get its act together and give Spence his magazine, and then you’ll have another thing coming, pal.
2. Terrell Suggs (last week: 5)
Who has it better than The Sizzle? He has two financial advisors competing over him, free burgers and fries, and tickets to “The Open” down in South Beach, whatever the hell that is. Oh, and not to brag, but he has $500,000 hidden behind his bed.
3. Andre (last week: 2)
He still has Terrell Suggs as a client, which means he’s winning the war that Spencer waged with him, but his I’ve-been-in-this-game-twenty-years shtick fell short when he took a major L in that verbal standoff with Spence. It’s only a matter of time before Spence is managing Caroline Wozniacki’s finances, too. Though, I will say this about Andre—that beard pretty much cements him as a top-three character.
4. Tracy (last week: not ranked)
She quit! She told her boss, and that scoundrel Mitch, to get lost. Good for Tracy—she deserves to make, at the very least, the same as Mitch for her work. All she needs to do is drink more wine, start her own Tumblr and scoop her old boss on Ricky Jerret news. That’s a winning lifestyle. And don’t call her “Legs.”
5. Mitch (last week: not ranked)
We don’t even know what Mitch looks like, but we do know he’s killing it.
Look, you can’t hate the player. Hate the game. Mitch didn’t choose to get offered more money than Tracy, and he would have been a fool not to accept. His new job is going swimmingly. Can’t wait to see his character develop.
6. Joe Krutel (last week: 9)
He tells Reggie he’s not worth anything, and helps Spencer get excited for the episode’s biggest scene with a big slap. He’s been a solid role player thus far.
7. Ricky Jerret (last week: 10)
This might have been the most boring episode Ricky Jerret has ever been a part of, but give him this, he looked right at a picture of Bill Belichick and said he didn’t want to play for him. Ricky knows there are more nights in the fun house ahead. If you’re keeping tabs at home on the Ricky Jerret sweepstakes—it looks like it’s down to the Bills and Saints.
8. Charles Greane (last week: not ranked)
I have to admit, I thought Charles was out of the league last week. Now he has an offer to slide over to right tackle. Get the man another beer!
9. Virginia (last week: not ranked)
She’s not your damn assistant, Terrell. Get your own hot sauce.
10. Reggie (last week: not ranked)
If it were up to me, the villain in every single season would be Reggie. He’s the biggest heel this shown has. He goes to Joe and asks to be put on payroll, which Joe and Vernon agree to do at $1,500, but then out of nowhere he asks for $3,000. And when he doesn’t get it, he injures his best friend during paintball. That’s a short-term win, but probably a long-term loss. I hope Reggie has a prominent role in each episode.
Just Missed: Manny Pacquiao’s training regimen... Ladies’ Home Journal... Tennis... ‘The Spence’... Vin Diesel... Tyrod Taylor... Caroline Wozniacki.