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The Inescapable Inevitability of Nick Saban's Alabama

Nick Saban and Alabama have drained college football of much of its endgame drama, and there's no telling when (or if?) the Tide will recede anytime soon.

Our friends in Alabama love college football as much as anybody loves anything, so it's ironic that they are destroying the sport. Nick Saban's Crimson Tide are mauling everything in their path. Sports books won't even take bets on Bama's early-season nonconference games anymore. You can only predict the number of casualties.

The Tide beat Ole Miss 66–3 and Arkansas 41–9. They outgained Tennessee and Vanderbilt by a combined yardage of 1,278 to 186, earning Saban all of Tennessee's electoral votes in 2020. Colorado State lost to Alabama by the shockingly close score of 41–23, which ought to lead to new lines in the school's fight song:

Fight on, Rams, and remember when we
Only lost to Alabama 41–23.

That loss should be at the center of Colorado State's recruiting pitch this winter. I see no reason to tell prospects it was 41–10 in the fourth quarter.

All of this will lead to two predictable outcomes: the Tide winning another national championship and Saban angrily denouncing newspapers for reporting that they won another national championship. He recently complained that fawning media coverage was "rat poison" for his players. He is tired of the press acting like Alabama wins the title every year when the truth is that Alabama wins the title only every other year.

Sources say Saban has not experienced true joy since 8:14 a.m. on June 2, 2009, when he cracked open an egg and found a double yolk. He was so disgusted by the feeling that he threw out the egg and fired the chicken.

Asking about the secret to the Tide's success is like asking an elephant for his secret to squashing bugs. They have the best coach and the best players. There is no second sentence. Six of Bama's last seven recruiting classes were ranked No. 1 by The seventh was ranked No. 2. Since the NFL is now holding the draft in a different city every year, may I suggest Tuscaloosa?

Is Alabama invincible? If you argue no, you should show your work. Sure, the Tide lost last year's national title game to Clemson, but we blame that on offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, who left to take the Florida Atlantic job before the final. One rule of college football, going back to Walter Camp: Always blame everything on Lane Kiffin.

We all know the Saban story by this point. He had no interest in seeing the solar eclipse, didn't seem to know or care when Election Day was in 2016 and has a lake house in Georgia that presumably features 17 film rooms and no windows. He watches the Weather Channel every morning, always eats Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies for breakfast and feasts on Filet O' Other Coach every Saturday in the fall.

For other teams in the South, Saban is now like Waffle House: Wherever you go, there he is. His success looms over every coaching decision in the SEC.

Auburn might fire Gus Malzahn for not being Saban. LSU's Les Miles got fired for not beating Saban enough. Texas A&M's Kevin Sumlin might have saved his job by losing to Alabama by only eight points at home. Ole Miss's Hugh Freeze resigned for calling escort services on his university-issued phone, which has nothing to do with Saban but is far too hilarious not to mention. With a salary of almost $5 million per year, Freeze couldn't buy a personal phone? He should blame Lane Kiffin.

Someday Alabama will come back to Earth. Someday so will Halley's Comet, and I'm not waiting around for that, either. The only way to take down the Tide is to feed their players actual rat poison, and even in the SEC nobody would do that except Auburn.

Saban now has an extra week to prepare for LSU's Ed Orgeron, a man who wakes up every morning knowing there is a 10% chance he will lock himself in his car. At the risk of bringing back the SI jinx: I'll take Bama in that one. And the rest, too.