17 Delusional and / or Admirable Sports Petitions Submitted to WhiteHouse.gov
Max Scherzer :: J. Meric/Getty Images
Two years ago, the White House began allowing citizens to create petitions intended to spur the executive branch to action. If enough signatures were amassed—the original threshold was 5,000; now that the government understands Reddit, it's 100,000—the president would officially respond.
Being that few groups in America possess the ability to gripe about trivial injustices with as much vigor as sports fans, the White House has been treated to a raft of pleas regarding roster moves, owner coups, and quarterback deportations. The latest petition echoed the growing chorus of voices calling for the elimination of the "win" as a baseball statistic, but Obama's boys removed the request (perhaps in deference to fellow White Sox fan Hawk Harrelson?) before it had the chance to smolder inconsequentially for the duration of its monthlong eligibility. To date, only one petition, a 2011 request to regulate online poker, has achieved even a modicum of success. These ones sure didn't.
Angry Fanbases
Creation date: May 2013
Last reported signature total: 329
"If the Jaguars sign & START Tebow, home games will be sold out, sales will spike, the team will win and the fans will be happy," the petition read. With Tebow once again a free agent, there's still hope.
Petition: Remove Jerry Jones as Cowboys Owner and GM
Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
Creation date: November 2012
Last reported signature total:359
"[Jones'] incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress," wrote the petitioner, justifiably. After all, how many times would Jerry Jones the owner have fired Jerry Jones the general manager by now if that GM was somebody else and had the same track record?
Petition: Remove Auburn Athletic Director Jay Jacobs and Coach Gene Chizik
Wesley Hitt/Getty Images
Creation date: November 2012
Last reported signature total: 3
Though he came up comically short, this petition's author got half of his wish without presidential intervention: Chizik, whose team won the National Championship in early 2011, was fired by Auburn this past November.
Petition: Remove the Ohio State Buckeye Bowl Ban
Creation date: November 2012
Last reported signature total: 1,526
OSU finished last season 12-0, but were banned from the postseason due to prior NCAA violations. "While a punishment for past indiscretions is to be expected, a bowl season ban is too harsh for a few young men trading memorabilia for tattoos and some change," a fan wrote in an uncommonly rational petition.
Petition: Stop the Kansas Jayhawks From Wearing New Adidas Basketball Jerseys
Creation date: February 2013
Last reported signature total: 131
“Adidas has designed uniforms for KU basketball that are stylistically heinous and tarnish a venerated institution,” the author argued after Adidas unveiled jerseys that looked like they were designed in Kid Pix.
Petition: Federally Investigate the NCAA
Creation date: November 2012
Last reported signature total: 300
The petition cited the NCAA's "unbridled power" and called it an "unaccountable monopoly." Although the claims have merit, it should be noted that this petition was a response to appropriately stiff sanctions against Penn State stemming from the football program's role in covering for Jerry Sandusky. So.
Petition: Maintain Rivalry Between Missouri and Kansas
Jamie Squire/Getty Images
Creation date: January 2013
Last reported signature total: 39
A Springfield, MO man wanted to see the "Border War" football rivalry, which had been running since 1891, continue in spite of Missouri's move to the SEC. Mission not accomplished.
Petition: Ask Landon Donovan to re-join the USMNT
Donald Miralle/Getty Images
Creation date: February 2013
Last reported signature total: 36
Someone took our February loss to Honduras in World Cup qualifiers particularly hard.
Hockey Zealots
Petition: Make President Obama Attend a Washington Capitals Game
@dcsportsbog
Creation date: January 2013
Last reported signature total: 10
"Hockey is a great sport, and Washington has an exciting team, but the President has yet to attend a game," the curiously observant petitioner wrote. "After enduring a prolonged lock-out, the NHL and the local businesses that depend on game attendance could use a show of support. Having the President attend his first game would be the kind of publicity that is needed." Still hasn't happened.
Petition: Intervene to Help End NHL Lockout
Donald Miralle/Getty Images
Creation date: November 2012
Last reported signature total: 1
"Obviously a neutral party needs to step up to moderate the negotiations for anything to move forward," the petition read. Once again, order was restored without presidential intervention.
A Genuinely Good Idea
Petition: Make Lawmakers Wear Logos of Their Corporate Sponsors Like Nascar Drivers
Creation date: March 2013
Last reported signature total: 9,378
In case you're trying to figure out what this would actually look like, click through to Policy Mic for a Photoshop of Senator Mitch McConnell donning logos from AIG, Walmart, Pfizer, Shell, and others on his suit. Then resist temptation to re-post this petition. (Or don't. Maybe its time has come.)
Intelligent Suggestions for National Holidays
Petition: Super Bowl Monday
Creation date: January 2013
Last reported signature total: 2,625
"By doing so, the Obama Administration can promote camaraderie among the American people, keep the streets safer for our children on Sunday night and Monday morning, promote a productive workplace when work resumes on Tuesday, and honor the most popular event in modern American culture," the inspired petition read.
Petition: Randy "Macho Man" Savage Day
George Napolitano/FilmMagic
Creation date: March 2013
Last reported signature total: 1,311
"Macho Man Randy Savage was a national treasure loved by everyone who watched him on television or knew him personally," said the writer. "No matter if you knew him from Slim Jim commercials or his wrestling career, you felt a deep connection with Savage. Tragically, the world lost him on May 20, 2011. This petition is to set aside that day every year as a celebration and remembrance of the Macho Man's life and to keep his legacy alive for future generations to appreciate and enjoy."
Wait, What?
Petition: Classify the Cameron Crazies as a Terrorist Organization
Lance King/Getty Images
Creation date: February 2013
Last reported signature total: 82
"While Duke’s student body is made up of many future leaders of our fine country, there is a small contingent that is waging a war against all that is good in our glorious land. The extremist faction of students known as the “Cameron Crazies” publicly organize in crowds topping 5,000 sometimes with the sole mission of verbal and mental harassment of student athletes," the petition said, referring to an occasion in which the Crazies supposedly chanted "How's Your Grandma" to a player whose grandmother had just died.
Petition: Deport A.J. McCarron so Brent Musberger Can Steal His Girlfriend
Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Creation date: January 2013
Last reported signature total: 5
Who knew Brent was so web-savvy?
