By Sam Page
September 16, 2013

NHL playoffs Washington Capitals vs Boston Bruins

Wanting to avoid past controversy surrounding his Facebook page, Tim Thomas sent me the following post to proofread.

As you've no doubt heard already from the Liberal Media, I have in fact signed with the Florida Panthers. I will explain my reasons for doing so here, so I am do not Feel Compelled to do so in The Future.

I had one prerequisite for my next NHL team, consistent with my Love of Freedom: team colors must include red, white, and blue. The Florida Panthers and Washington Capitals both met my requirements. Not wanting to enter the Belly of the Beast, however, I exercised my right as a Free Citizen and quickly dispatched a 12-page, carefully capitalized letter to Capitals GM George McPhee, saying that I would not be sucked into the Washington Establishment. The Capitals returned with a voicemail to my agent claiming, "We are not interested in Tim's services this time," a Clever Dodge fed to them by the Obama Administration.

Florida will offer me everything I could have wanted. My pay will not be taxed, ensuring my salary will not be funding the Washington Machine or the Russian Machine. Also, thanks to their 175 Florida locations, I will be able to maintain the Chik-Fil-A diet I began last year without having the chicken flown to me daily. My new jersey even features the Color of Gold, the only currency worth using, and a color I've never before worn with red, white, and blue. I won't even need a permit to carry a sword in public.

Additionally, the Panthers have a great young goalie named Jacob Markstrom on their team. I have no interest in mentoring a 6'6" commie from Sweden on how to be a Free Citizen in net. I do know from my Boston days, however, that victories are even sweeter when you can turn to your bench and see a disappointed young back-up, frustrated and eager to replace you.

I leave you with This Quote: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Or that Dale Tallon do something. --George Washington


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